Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

take a small gift. I have been to evening dos before and there has been no hospitality at all for evening guests, pay bar, no buffet etc. We left early to get some food (was post work too on a week day)

I probably won't go to evening do's now unless its local and no travel or maybe a cousins one where i can stay at parents and meet up with wider family.

I also love an evening only invite - all the fun without the hassle. As already noted, many of my 'evening only' guests were my favourite people as we had a small day list and it was mostly taken up with family and people we 'had' to invite. The present is your choice but you sound oddly offended instead of grateful for the invite?

I wouldn’t bother going to that effort personally for an evening do.

Evening only invitations can make people feel a bit shit though. An old school friend of mine got married when she was 23. I was single and living at home. Most of my other friends were in relationships. I was the only one who wasn't invited all day. Totally made me feel like a spare part. To make it worse, my parents who were friends with the bride's parents were invited to the whole thing. So the 3 of us went together to the ceremony, then they gave me a lift home where I watched a bit of telly and had a ready meal, then got a cab to the party. Totally depressing.

If you don't want to go then don't go.

With the amount of weddings that have had to be cancelled and re-scheduled I think people who get irked at the "two-tier" invitations may see a rise in a that kind of set up. I know a few people who are planning small ceremonies next year as the risk of cancellation is much smaller.

It's only on Mumsnet I see disdain for evening invites. In real life they happen all the time.

In real life the disdain normally occurs if the guest thinks they should have had a day invite. Is that the case here OP?

The whole situation sounds fine to me, I agree it sounds like you don't want to go.
An hour each way isn't too out of the way at all, of your DP is going (I can't remember if you said he was) he could drive while you have a drink, since it's your friends celebration?

I never realised the significance of an evening wedding invite until I read all the angry threads on here! Surely it’s just an invite to party with friends? I don’t get it?!

Being second tier or B list doesn’t bother me. Some of my best ever nights have been last minute ones when I was clearly squeezed in at the last minute because Aunty X or Cousin Y cancelled. Most events, even those in the home, have a numbers limit of some sort so there will nearly always be people you would to invite but can’t accommodate. I’m having a over for a socially distanced do on Friday. Current regs mean I can only invite 5 but that doesn’t mean I like the people I couldn’t invite less!

Go if you think you will have fun OP. Don’t cut your own nose off out of pique at not making the day list. If (for any reason whatsoever) you don’t want to go, decline politely and send a nice card and think no more about it. There’s no need for explanations or excuses.

Also - yes you should give some money I a card. Amount is up to you.

I wouldn’t bother going to that effort personally for an evening do

Why? You just need a standard evening/party dress - no small talk with general relatives, avoid the hours of photography, speeches and dry chicken dinner and some odd pudding!

You get to go to the food bit and mix with people you like.

I don't see the problem either. Unless she's having a vast daytime event and everyone else has been invited to that, then why are you offended?

If you consider her to be a friend, then go and take a gift. So you can't drink a lot and drive home. Alcohol is not a requirement to have an enjoyable evening! If you must drink, then get a taxi and stay with your relatives. Easy.

It's hardly a last minute thought if they have already sent out the invitations for next March!

They have asked you to spend part of the day with them, if you want to go go, an hours drive isn't that far, you have somewhere you could stay if you didn't fancy the drive home , you don't sound bothered about going on your own if your DH is working,so I am assuming you will know plenty of other guests. You can still enjoy yourself without alcohol. If you don't fancy it then send regrets.

Unless there is history between you and the groom(do tell) or a weird and demanding dress code (also tell) it sounds like a completely normal invitation.

I have decided I’ll only attend evening only invites if either they are within taxi distance (1 hour) or I can stay somewhere for free with a friend or family nearby. This was after a horrible experience where we were clearly only invited to the evening at all because we’d invited them to our wedding (the whole day as we only did whole day invitations), and when we showed up the speeches were still going on, so everyone was sat down at the dinner tables, it transpired that we were among only about five people to be invited for evening only and we all stood there like lemons while the speeches finished. It was mortifying. And we’d spent hundreds between DH and I on trains, taxis, accommodation and the present. And they didn’t even give us a free drink on arrival... wished I hadn’t gone, and I’m going to be much more careful with evening invites in future. I do think they’re a lazy way of avoiding making a decision about who your real friends are.

I don't consider an hour a long way to go for an evening reception, especially if you have family to stay with nearby. Would a family member be willing to drop you off / pick you up?

Go if you want to, don’t be offended by it being evening only. Unless the couple are prepared to spend £20K on their wedding, people keep the numbers down for the formal part as it often works out at about £100+ per head. However if you do go, check out the food arrangements - last time I went to an evening do we got cheese and crackers - beautifully presented but still cheese & crackers, we were starving & in the middle of nowhere. At least I eat cheese, some don’t.

@Waveysnail

If you would enjoy it go, if not then dont. Drive up, stay with family and get taxi to venue then taxi back to relatives.

That.

It's really up to you whether or not you go. People don't expect everyone they invite to go to their wedding but if you decide not to, make a tactful excuse.

However it's an opportunity for a good night out, hopefully and the journey/arrangements don't sound too arduous.

Evening invites make you feel a bit of a last minute thought

*his is for a wedding in March 2021....I have till October to respond"

Hardly a last minute afterthought then!!!

Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t these days with wedding invites. If you’d of been invited to the day this likely would’ve been about not wanting to take the day off work.

I thought weddings were still restricted re the number of people who can be invited. So its not really an insult is it - to be invited to the evening do. In any case, I wouldn't be deciding things on the basis of what the majority of people on Mumsnet say. They're anonymous people who talk a good talk.

Sounds like it might be fun - why not go? Anything to brighten up these boring times. If you think it meets social distancing rules.

We have a big family. My sister's wedding day list was 70 people with just family.

They had just family + bridesmaids and ushers at the day, as they couldn't afford more than that, and a massive party in the evening. It was so much fun.

I don't think being invited to evening only is the snub mumsnet thinks it is.

Weddings are expensive, and it's not a bad thing to want a big one - that's often demonised on here. Loads of people (on mumsnet ironically!) hate going to weddings so surely being invited to the evening only is win-win?

When I got married we had guests we invited to the evening only similarly we have had weddings we’ve attended as evening guests. It’s not a snub.

I'm not so sure what you want OP, it's an hour journey (most places are a commute), you have somewhere to stay with the option of a taxi if you want to drink and accessible by car if you don't. You're not at work the next day, you class the person as an old friend who you don't see regularly - so an evening invite is fine in that circumstance.

Do you just not want to go? That's ok if you don't, just say no. But don't pick fault with the set up; it sounds like a great set up to me!

WTF? Evening invites are completely normal where I am. They're for people who arent immediate family or best/close friends. We're inviting work colleagues, friends who we see in extended social situations but arent our best friends. I wouldnt expect a present from anyone attending our wedding so the present thing is a non issue.

Diemme just read your post - that’s horrible, I can’t believe anyone would do that, I’m surprised you went, I would have been really pissed off, how unkind.

I'd go, taking a present - I love a party. I agree with others to check out the food situation and whatever it is I'd eat first.