Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

if you're not sure if you'd go do you consider yourself close enough to the bride to be a day guest?

That doesn't seem at all that difficult to show your support.

You're looking for excuses not to go.

Your two tier comment is irritating. Weddings have had evening dos since the beginning of time. You've said you're not close friends. Why would you expect to be in the ceremony?

It sounds like you're making excuses not to go. So just don't go.

There's nothing weird about this invitation, and it's not difficult to get to. It's only an hour away, you drive and have your own transportation, and you have access to free overnight accommodation an easy-ish taxi ride away.

Go or don't go, as you prefer.

I get married next April. The only people who are coming to the day bit who are not related to me or DP are my bridesmaids and their partners/children and my DPs best man and his partner. Everyone else is related. The evening guests are all of our friends, we couldn't afford to pay for everyone for the day. I hope none of my guests feel like this other wise it will be an empty evening!

You say she is not a close friend so why would you expect an invite to the whole thing? I have been on hen nights with friends, seen the ceremony, gone off and done my own thing for a few hours and attended an evening do. That is normal among my friends.

When I got married we had 30 to the day at 100 at night. We had a great time. A few relatives I never see were offended Not to be invited to the whole day and didn’t come but they weren’t missed. Others came who I hadn’t seen in years, Friends from work and the pub. Friends we hadn’t seen recently. It was lovely.

Re presents, I wouldn’t expect a gift from an evening guest but I would take one. Vouchers or wine if you don’t know what to buy.

It sound possible for you to go. I am not really sure of your problem.

Well TBF OP, the threads where evening invites are frowned upon do usually involve slightly more CFery, like the wedding is in Barbados or the poster’s DD is bridesmaid earlier in the day but she’s still not allowed to come to the ceremony.

Yours is essentially a nice party at a convenient location on a none school night where you might have to get a taxi afterwards.

I dislike evening invites so wouldn’t go. The vows make the wedding, party so if not important enough to be there for them then I don’t see the point personally. Other than to make a large party and extra gifts.

For the comment about Wedding receptions being called off by Boris, this is for a wedding in March 2021.

Yeah, I think the only mutual friends I share with this person are all going to the full day, so I guess my nose was out of joint a bit, selfishly. I have till October to respond though so enough time to get my head out my arse

It’s a Friday night out? It sounds completely reasonable but it’s kinda like you don’t like her or like her enough to go.

I'm generally quite happy to receive an evening invite. The time I turned one down was because it was a 6-8 hour round trip, which would have been worth it for a whole day event, but not for a couple of hours (at most) in the evening. Just an hour away is fine for an evening do. I'd happily do that.

If you're in a bad mood, it's a shame receiving an invite to a celebration didn't cheer you up!

I've always had full day invites from family, and close friends, and then evening invites from friends who I am not super close too. Most people I imagine cant afford to have their entire friendship group at a whole day event. I got married at 4pm so that I didn't have to have an all day event, we went straight into an evening do.

And yes you should take a gift....

If you want to go and you think you'll enjoy it then go. If you don't want to, then don't.

The 'tiered' invites have never bothered me. I had a very small wedding with my XH and we had a lot more guests (colleagues, wider circle of friends) just come for the evening and it was perfect, they brought a new breath of life into a group that were starting to flag after a long day.

Likewise I've been to evening receptions where I've been delighted to be invited but might have found it awkward to be there all day, when it's been a couple I'm friendly with but haven't known very long for example.

I’m grabbing popcorn, these threads soon get heated 😂

But to add my opinion, 2nd tier? First I’ve heard it called that but it’s usually due to cost, you’ve already admitted you are not best friends, you have accommodation nearby so that’s not really an issue, if you don’t want to go, don’t go.
Just be honest!

I didnt realise it was last year. Tbh with everything going on she may have restricted who she invited. Youre not particularly close as you stated and I think you're invitation reflexes that. I was made to feel bad inviting a friend who I wasn't close with to but within the friendship group the evening do so invited her to the day do she proceeded to get smashed after drinking alcohol she smuggled in and polished the wine off the tables and stumbling all over I caught her. I should have kept to the evening do. Sometimes people are close and closer to others.

You’re over thinking this and making excuses not to go.

Lots of people who have an evening invite are still just as important, it may simply be that the daytime/ceremony can not accommodate large numbers.

Next*

Don't go, the bride doesn't need to see you with a face on. She invited you because she'd like you to share the evening with her, not to make you feel like shit and then for you to make her feel like shit for having the wedding she chose.

I understand where you’re coming from and had a similar thing last year. In my case also I felt a bit duped 😂 because my friend told me over dinner about the wedding plans and the date and asked if we were free, told me all about the ceremony and the reception plans, then at the end of the evening said something about it only being an evening invite for us. I’d already said we were free so couldn’t really back out 😂 even thought it meant getting a babysitter and a fairly long drive. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t go with particularly good grace and was feeling a bit bitter about the whole thing! We had drifted a bit but were best friends at university.
I knew I wouldn’t know hardly anyone at the reception and that she would likely be too busy/tired/pissed to speak to us in the evening.

Anyway, in the end we went and was so glad we did. She was really touched we’d made the effort, and it became clear that it was only family and very close friends for the main reception - about 30.

Maybe it's evening only because of COVID restrictions/concerns for elderly relatives at the ceremony??

Check this first.

full day guests were taken up with required extended family! So I wouldn’t take it as a statement on the state of your friendship

Sums it up perfectly

BF s getting married, she has 6 brothers and sisters, their families and children.
He has 4 brothers their wives and children
They have their own children.
Plus parents and grandparents

Looking at over 60 people before friends!

It’s the expectation to invite all close relatives and this is without aunts, uncles and cousins!!

I’m happy with an evening party!!

Not really sure what the issue is here?

You're not best friends so have been invited to the evening only (most weddings have two parts to a wedding - day / evening invites).

You have family in the area so can have a drink, get a taxi and stay at there house.

It's on a Friday, yes you've been working but are off the following day. Or book the Friday off work - you've got 8 months before the wedding!

What is the old mn expression, it’s an invite not a summons.
If it’s taking this much thought then I think you don’t want to go.
Is this your first ever invite to an evening only wedding?

Sounds like a perfect invitation. It’s a friday, so you get a nice night out to celebrate their wedding without having to take time off work to go to a wedding of people that aren’t your v close friends or family. Evening invitations are usual in Scotland, never known anyone to be offended at getting one. Normally we would go to the church then out for tea ourselves then show for the party if possible. If not, just turn up and party at night. What’s not to love!