Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

Urgh, I hate evening do's.

An hour's drive either way would be about my limit for attending as well. I'm not really a drinker, so that doesn't bother me, I'm happy with soft drinks.
As for a gift, as an evening guest I wouldn't go out of my way. I might do a couple of nice bottles of wine if I know they like wine. Or a gift voucher for somewhere or other. £20-£30 is around how much I spend. Towards the lower end if I only know one half of the couple, or they are a work colleague, and towards the higher end if I know them both and/or have an "out of work" friendship.

In all honesty though, you have to decide for yourself if you actually want to go, or not. In my experience, at the tail-end of a wedding the bride and groom don't really notice, or care, who actually turns up for the evening do anyway. At that point they are tired, over-stimulated and in a time-warp. If you want to decline, do so in plenty of time and send them a pretty card on the day, wishing them well, and pop a cheque or gift voucher in there if you feel guilty.

YABU. Just don't go if you're going to think of every excuse in the world not to go. You sound really childish

I dont see an issue with this. It is a friday night out. I would be more likely to go to this in this circumstance, than a friday day wedding when i would lose a day’s pay.

Surely as it is so far away your dp could Arrange not to Work that night,

Of course you take a gift

You clearly don't want to go, so don't!

@zingally thank you, this type of response is really helpful. You've give me some proper perspective unlike Loobyloo1234 who just threw an insult out.

Saying you sound childish really is the kindest thing I could think to say OP

The whole ‘second tier’ invite thing really pisses me off!

Sorry but there are people you are close enough to enjoy a dance, drink and buffet with but not close enough to fork out £200+ per head entire day and sit down fancy meal.

(Yes you don’t have to have a fancy sit down meal but if that’s what you want you shouldn’t offend your office mates or friends you see on a semi yearly basis by just inviting them to a night do! As long as food and a couple of drinks are provided they’re still getting a good deal!)

I wouldn’t drive an hour to not drink & eat shite food probably bought in bulk from Bookers freezer section.

I umm'd and ahh'd about evening only guests for my wedding because I know (on here) it's often frowned upon, but ultimately I couldn't afford £150 a head for all my work colleagues, but would have loved them to have been a part of my day. Evening only invites work perfectly in this instance. Also there were some people that we knew would more likely come if it was evening only.

If I received an evening only invite I'd be upset if I was what I considered to be a "close" friend, but otherwise would simply realise there were more important people to spend money on that me. Their wedding gift would have been a little cheaper though than if I were a full day guest!

I wouldn't feel it was a "last minute" thing. I got a full day invite once where I was clearly on the "reserve" list as the RSVP date had already long gone! There was no covering that one up! I still went though as I knew it would be a nice day out.

I wouldn't go if you are going to feel bitter, I wouldn't have wanted someone at my reception who didn't want to be there.

However I know how you feel, a friend from childhood who I was very close too but had lost a bit of contact with invited me on my own for her evening reception. I lied and said I would be away with my partner, I felt it was a bit inconsiderate to invite me on my own when I didn't know anyone else going apart from her mum and brother.

Just don't be like my friend's ex friend who wasn't invited to her wedding as they hadn't spoken or seen each other for five years, and then posted passive aggressive comments on the hen night pictures on Facebook!

Loobyloo1234 okay, you do you, I'm not overly bothered what you wanted to say (probably more insults rather than constructive advice) to me based on an opinion you have of me from a few mumsnet posts. I wont be engaging any further

Thank you everyone else for the actual advice, I think these type of weddings are less common in my culture , so it's a good learning curve :)

I don’t understand the problem.

Evening invites are a standard thing. Either go or don’t go, depending on your circumstances at the time and whether you actually want to. That’s it 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s absolutely nothing else here to make anything out of; this is just a typical, every day social invitation.

If you really think that you are second class citizen when it comes to the wedding, which seems to be the case here, why are you even considering going? You clearly don’t want to go, so don’t. But I think that people who look down their noses at ‘evening only invites’ are just plain rude, and to use MN parlance, entitled!

Icecreamsoda, wow that's really poor etiquette from the friend making the passive aggressive comments there. She probably didnt end up coming off very well from that

For me it would depend mainly on logistics and whether I wanted to go but also on how big the main reception was and how I knew the couple. Work friends all going to the evening - fine; all my other friends going to the main thing and just me for the evening-only, not keen. Huge wedding - might feel miffed not to be invited to the whole thing if a friend; small wedding, less bothered.

I don't really like evening things though as I felt a bit of a spare part at the ones I've been to - remember the one where the day guests (not unreasonably!) had seats and the evening guests had to fill in any gaps after Great Uncle Walter had left.......

We had two tiers too, my dad and dhs dad wanted to invite their family, the mothers wanted to invite some neighbours. The people in the evening were people we really wanted there but couldn't have. You do sound like you're looking not to go but those are the nights you end up having the best nights at, I'd say go for the staying with family and getting taxi back and enjoy!

@Giraffey1 not entitled, just different cultures...

If i were sent an "Invite?" I would refuse on principle.

@BluebellsGreenbells pure selfishness - my down time is precious the only people I want to spend my weekends with are close friends and family who are all folk I’d be at the day do with anyway.

We never attend evening only wedding invites, if we are not close enough or imprortant enough to the bride and groom to be invited to the whole event we dont need to attend.
Attending weddings is expensive, even just to the evening do with travel, hotel, new outfit, present etc and we feel if you are only invited to the evening do you are like a 2nd tier invitee.
So if we're not good enough for the whole day we dont need to be there at all.
I stick to this rule and have explained my stance when questioned why I have declined invites in the past.

I think you are annoyed as you thought you were a better friend than an evening invite. Is that right?

Our wedding has evening guests- there is enough room in the venue for 100 for a seated meal and to watch the ceremony. Then there is room for another 100 in the evening for drinking and dancing and pizzas. So we are inviting our family and closer friends to the whole day and inviting in the evening friends who we don’t see as much, work friends, friends from the past who don’t know us as a couple but one of us was very close to etc. We want them there to celebrate with us, there is absolutely no reason for them to be offended. The alternative is not inviting them at all. We will take no offence if they don’t come, we won’t expect a present and they can drink and eat as much as they like at our expense.

@dilemmaaday The bride was super embarrassed, we think the woman was probably drunk, just a very odd thing to do! Wasn't implying you would do anything like that but I know from personal experience that it can be hard not to let resentment show (especially if you are having to make an effort to get there, pay out for taxis etc which might piss you off on the day) so might be best to make your excuses and have a comfy night in at home!

Same as many posters in this thread I had never known there was such angst about receiving an evening invite until I read MN

Completely normal and I have never been at a wedding where there wasn’t a split. As someone who has been both first and second tier guest it has never occurred to me to be offended

It sounds like a really easy set-up for you, but I think you're hoping we'll tell you not to bother?

What do you mean two tier invites you don’t get? Weddings are expensive. I couldn’t afford to feed the faces of everyone I wanted at my wedding so had to do a split day... this is totally normal. What’s wrong with you? You’ve been invited to help share the happiness of the occasion with someone who may only be able to afford to feed immediate family only, and your immediate response is to work out how much travelling you need to do and is it worth it? If you want to go, go. If you don’t, stop looking for excuses. We can’t all be in the top table you know. No wonder you’re not besties....