To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women oh ffs, but you are not too scared to get major surgery?

Personally you don't seem certain enough to take such drastic steps. I'd try the coil. I've got kids but never had a labour and the fitting of the coil was fine. One small pinch feeling. Obviously I see you don't have smears but maybe just try getting a coil once and see if you manage. I've had no periods, no cramps, no trouble since the coil

You would probably need to pay to have it done privately. I don't think you would get it on NHS if you have no children. If you are in UK

Also, don’t have kids.

@Sheenais

I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women oh ffs, but you are not too scared to get major surgery?

Getting a coil fitted would also put me in the same position my abuser had me in, physically. Getting the surgery wouldn't trigger me in the same way. Please be kind, it is actually quite hard talking about the abuse.

If you have any doubts about getting it done then don't get it done just yet, delay it for a year or so and see if you still feel the same. It's easier to delay and then not change your mind and get it done a year from now than it is to get it done, change your mind and try get it reversed.

@T00FarT0Travel

You would probably need to pay to have it done privately. I don't think you would get it on NHS if you have no children. If you are in UK

Can get it done quickly and quite cheaply in the country I live in.

Ignore Sheenais, every thread has a goady fucker and when is apparently the one for your thread.

*she

Depending on procedures in your country, you could always ask for the coil to be fitted under sedation on mental health grounds?

Also, if you did ever decide to get pregnant, you don't have to labour and could have a caesarean if you preferred.

My sister never wanted children. Even as small children she made it clear to me that she did not want children. My mum was devestated when my sister had her tubes tied in her 20s. But I knew that she had always said she didn’t want kids so I was not worried. But then my sister met someone late 30s and changed her mind. They tried unsuccessfully to untie her tubes and ended up removing them. My sister was devestated but had ivf successfully. After she had her son she had 6-8 more ivfs to provide a sibling but it never happened.
My sister was so adamant for so long that she did not want kids that I was shocked when she changed her mind. She was never maternal and wanted a career. She has (and still is) the main bread winner in her family - her husband gave up work to be a stay at home dad as that’s what he wanted to do.

I think it is interesting that you say you're heart says no kids and your head says you may regret it. On reading what you have put I would have assumed the other way round.

Personally I never wanted children. I was convinced if I had children I'd wish to adopt only. I too wanted to be steralised at one point but opted for a copper coil instead. Yes it is uncomfortable the fitting but it was fine over all. However, I have not had your childhood and from what you have said the fitting would cause you a great deal of distress.

I'm 32 years old and I had my first 8 months ago. He is the light of my life and I now cannot imagine life without him. However, I do miss my spontaneous freedom, I hate being a stay at home mum (I go back to work in November) but over all I'd rather be a mum. Not everyone feels like this though, that I do understand.

I think being steralised is incredibly final. I'd say if you're not in the 99% bracket of sure I wouldn't have it done.

I was petrified of giving birth and I had a consultant who discussed it all with me. I opted for induction and epidural before they started the hormones. I was in hospital with just myself and the midwives and it was a very positive experience. You can have an element of control over birth in hospital if you decided you did want a baby.

My friend had a coil fitted under general anaesthetic for similar reasons to those you describe. You could ask for that?

I am 38 & childfree, as in I 100% do not want children. Am not on any hormonal contraception, I use condoms.

Am confused why you are too scared to get a coil due to pain but considering invasive surgery? You know a tubal is not the same as a vasectomy, right? It’s a lot more invasive.

Your reasons for not wanting children are valid - I note we have common reasons including sleep, mental health (due to lack of sleep it would trigger a bipolar episode for me) and also trauma due to sexual history which makes getting poked around down there unpleasant. I do not want to experience birth trauma or have my body destroyed by pregnancy. Everyone says “oh you’ll bounce back!” But we all know some women are left permanently incontinent or prolapse, awful tears post preganancy... I do not cope with pain well & have enough existing health issues which cause me pain.

I do think you need counselling to help reconcile your trauma, not getting Pap smears isn’t great.... if you can’t even get a Pap smear no way would I be having a child, you will feel very invaded with a doctor’s arm up you, or pelvic ultrasounds....

But if you think a trauma is clouding your judgement, it might be worthwhile to explore that possibility.

You need to focus on how you feel & if you want kids or not - your boyfriend of 6 months’ opinions on kids should not factor into this decision. It’s too important.

@KittyFantastico

Depending on procedures in your country, you could always ask for the coil to be fitted under sedation on mental health grounds?

Also, if you did ever decide to get pregnant, you don't have to labour and could have a caesarean if you preferred.

The sedation is something that didn't occur to me...worth asking about. Thanks.

Also, have you asked for treatment for the thrush? Google treatment of recurrent thrush and you’ll see there’s a recommended regimen of oral medication to try longer-term. I had to do this but it did work.

Your 'cons' list is way too long to think that this is a good idea for you.

@THTX

I think it is interesting that you say you're heart says no kids and your head says you may regret it. On reading what you have put I would have assumed the other way round.

Personally I never wanted children. I was convinced if I had children I'd wish to adopt only. I too wanted to be steralised at one point but opted for a copper coil instead. Yes it is uncomfortable the fitting but it was fine over all. However, I have not had your childhood and from what you have said the fitting would cause you a great deal of distress.

I'm 32 years old and I had my first 8 months ago. He is the light of my life and I now cannot imagine life without him. However, I do miss my spontaneous freedom, I hate being a stay at home mum (I go back to work in November) but over all I'd rather be a mum. Not everyone feels like this though, that I do understand.

I think being steralised is incredibly final. I'd say if you're not in the 99% bracket of sure I wouldn't have it done.

I was petrified of giving birth and I had a consultant who discussed it all with me. I opted for induction and epidural before they started the hormones. I was in hospital with just myself and the midwives and it was a very positive experience. You can have an element of control over birth in hospital if you decided you did want a baby.

Thanks for sharing. I think my DP would be a bit upset he'd be left out of the delivery room as he loved being present for his kid's birth. But then in that situation it isn't about what he wants.

Also to answer your question no doctor is going to give you a tubal unless you are 100% sure & advocate for yourself (ie push for it) especially as you don’t have children - they will fob you off, it’s hard enough for hardcore childfree women to get a tubal, let alone someone who isn’t sure.

Just wait on it, you sound like you’re letting fear & trauma guide you, not actual decision making.

You have listed some excellent reasons to go ahead with the tubal ligation but have also stated that neither you, nor your partner are 100% sure that you don't want children. Based on this, you shouldn't opt for permanent contraception, and I don't think they would give it to you anyway as you're not totally sure.

I was always convinced that I would never have children after the age of 30. I had my first child in my early 20s and was sure for many years that I only wanted that one and no more. I changed my mind and then had another in my early 30s. It was being settled in a good, long term relationship that changed my mind (I changed, no pressure from him); so I would also say that 6 months isn't long enough in a relationship to make such a permanent decision.

Your situation with contraceptives sounds tricky though; could you discuss options with your GP? I never got on with the pill but was ok with the implant, even though it is similar hormones. Might be worth a try.

Also you sound like you kind of do want kids, talking about how your DP will feel in the delivery room... you don’t sound child free. On the fence, yes. But not child free.

@Hungrypuffin

Also, have you asked for treatment for the thrush? Google treatment of recurrent thrush and you’ll see there’s a recommended regimen of oral medication to try longer-term. I had to do this but it did work.

Yes. I've been on anti-fungals long term. It doesn't really help. The pessaries help when it gets really bad but it comes back a few days later. I think I get thrush because I'm allergic to the spermicide on the condoms but I can't find a brand without it.

I've also reduced sugar and alcohol and had my blood sugar tested to make sure I'm not diabetic. Dr told me some women are troubled with long term thrush and it's not known why.

This is a really tricky situation for people to advise I think OP. Imo peoples own feelings about having children will often work their way into the replies.

However, based purely on what you've said here. If you are not 100% sure then I would delay until you are. Perhaps speak to your doctor about contraception that may be possible for you (what about an implant?) and as a PP suggested, perhaps about having coil fitted under sedation? Not sure if it's a thing but I'd have the conversation. My mum reluctantly had the coil fitted due to issues she was having with periods a while back and she says it was the best decision she made! No problems at all. Although I appreciate the MH side for you due to the abuse.

I have witnessed a couple I am friends with go through this, with him having had the snip prior to meeting my friend and now they are desperate for a child together but have so far been unsuccessful in reversing it. That is not to suggest that you will definitely change your mind, you may not but just to show it can happen and if you are already not sure now then I'd wait a while longer.

And for what it's worth I definitely think you can have a full and happy life without children

I never wanted children. Then suddenly something changed almost overnight and the desire was overwhelming. Fortunately I fell pregnant very quickly as that overwhelming desire for months/years of trying to conceive would have driven me mad. I think it's the most powerful thing I've ever felt, second only to the love I have for my child.

Speak to your local sexual health clinic about contraceptive options. They're far more knowledgeable than GP practice staff. I had a coil prior to pregnancy, I had it fitted pre child and it was fine, although I appreciate your previous trauma raises a separate issue. I was referred for a coil to be fitted in the gynecology dept of my local hospital (for unrelated medical reasons it couldn't be fitted in the clinic as had been done previously) after my baby was born, until covid happened anyway! One of the options was to have it fitted under sedation and they were surprised that I declined sedation, they said they have a lot of referrals for coil fitting purely for the sedative element. It was definitely the best contraceptive option I've ever used personally.

@hammie46i I would like to think he would be understanding but I can see why he would be upset. I didn't want anyone with me. I didn't have the head space to be thinking of anyone else but my baby.