To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

EMDR is amazing for trauma

I never wanted children, I've never felt my biological clock ticking and I've never taken the time or effort to make pros and cons lists, it was always something I knew I wouldn't regret.
I'm 51 now and love having a child-free life.
Ultimately no one can advise you one way or the other, it's something that you need to be sure about.

Please get your follow up to abnormal smear done as well as coil fitted with sedation!

I think sterilisation is the right thing for you, and can't see that you'd have any problems. I believe it's performed under a local anaesthetic so you might want to prepare yourself for that as you will be awake but won't feel anything. The only thing I'd say is that your relationship is still very young and I think your OH would be reasonable to say he wanted to move on under the circumstances.

I don't think you should.

I never ever wanted children. Didn't particularly like them at all. I got pregnant and eventually decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and it's the best thing I've ever done. I won't lie and say it hasn't been hard at times because it has but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted more DC straight away and I'm years later I currently pregnancy with DC2 and have two DSC.

You don't sound 100% sure of your decision and it's a huge life changing decision

If you're not totally sure that you don't want children then sterilisation isn't the best choice for right now. There are many different contraceptive options though, it might be worth spending some time looking into them - the implant, the injection etc.

Your list of cons is compelling, but really you don't have to justify your choices to anybody - "I don't want to be pregnant" is enough on its own.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi OP,
I am 35 and 100% certain I don't want children. I enquired about sterilization when I was in my 20's and was rudely dismissed. I do not react well to hormonal contraceptive which means the pill and implant are out. My partner and I are just very very careful but I would definitely consider a tubal if we were't - there's always that horrible anxious wait for my period to start and I resent that.

Even though I never wanted children, I have weighed up the pros and cons at various points in my life, maybe to "test" my feelings. And tbh I've never even come close to changing my mind. I have been able to focus on my career, which I love, and then my time outside that is 100% mine. My partner and I are big gamers. (frowned upon on MN I know!) We are very active in a gaming community and this is very time consuming - children wouldn't fit into that and I would deeply resent being forced to cut down on this hobby, and others.

Also, like you, I had a less than ideal childhood and I know this has influenced my decision massively. Beyond DP and I, family life is not something I ever want. I don't want to be a mother because sometimes I can see traits in my own mother inside me, and I don't like it. Pregnancy and the thought of carrying a human inside me repels me. (I don't feel this way about others' pregnancies btw!)

I am by no means some kind of child hater or someone who sneers at parents. I am a teacher of many years and am very warm and caring of my pupils - they are the light of my working day!

I hope you come to a decision, OP. Personally, I find the pressure on women to have children is immense and I've had to be very abrupt with people who keep insisting I'll change my mind or going "ooooooh - getting broody?!" when I fuss a beautiful baby at work. Best of luck to you.

I don’t think you should get your tubes tied, as you are not sure.

But I also really don’t think you should have children for as long as you continue to feel the way you do now. I think you would need to develop a strong desire to have a child, in order to make it the right thing for you, and you’re not there. The urge may come or it may not.

The only couple I know that did this (obviously there may be more who don't talk about it) regretted it in late 30s and had them untied unsuccessfully.

They didn't talk about it until many years later and still were clearly upset by it.

Just wanted to add that having children is hard. There are lots of posts on how they are the light of folk's lives and it's wonderful. As a mother of two wonderful kids, I will say that having them has probably done me a bit of both mental and physical harm. I love them dearly and would do anything for them but in the interests of a balanced view, I don't believe I would have yearned for them had I never had any. I never had an overwhelming maternal urge and just kind of got on with it. I do the absolute very best I can for them but it takes every bit of me to do so. Some women are wired better for motherhood than others and I think that should be recognised more so we can make educated and informed choices. It sometimes feels that there is an overwhelming societal pressure into having kids because it's almost expected that we should procreate.

Would also add, that it's a weird and wonderful world we live in and I truly fear for our children's future.

The thing is, your 'con' list can be as long as your arm, with many compelling reasons not to. But, if there's a nagging doubt, it probably won't go away. So having a permanent medical procedure isn't the best idea.

From my experience, I was always on the fence about having kids. Put it off for years, finally had one and the main reason for doing so was that I didn't want to regret it in the future. I won't lie, it's bloody hard work, sleep deprivation really affects me badly too, post natal depression, completely lost myself for about 4 yrs.

BUT, it got better and I'm so glad I had him.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, childfree has many benefits too.

In the short term yes I'd definitely go for the coil with sedation whilst you decide what you want to do. 6 months with your new partner is way too early to contemplate kids anyway.

How does your DP feel about never having children with you?
There are other forms of contraception, have you considered the implant in your arm? Or the injection?
If your mind is really made up, then maybe talk to your doctor about it, I'm sure you are aware that it is irreversible, so if you did change your mind, it would be too late. The reasons you list about not wanting to be pregnant or give birth are fully reasonable reasons, and , if in the future, you decide that you do actually want to become a mother, you could always look into adopting/fostering?

I doubt your GP would allow you to be sterilised the GP wouldn’t refer you, I have two children, don’t want anymore but they wouldn’t let me I’m apparently too young and I’m around the same age as you.

It's human nature that the moment you can't have something it becomes the thing you most want in the world. I was sterilised in my early 20's for medical reasons after having children. It was the right decision as another pregnancy would have killed me but jeez the longing after it was done took a long time to get over and that's with already having children.
If you were adament then I'd say maybe but you are not even 90% convinced, a good doctor wouldn't do the Op under those circumstances.
Def agree with coil being fitted under sedation

I would agree with other posters that you don't sounds sure enough to have your tubes tied. I'm a similar age to you and about 90% sure I don't want kids. I had a pregnancy scare last year and felt sick with anxiety that I could be pregnant. I think the fact that you were thrilled with a positive test result is quite telling.

OP in regards to my suggestion for the apps that track your cycle, you can buy pretty fancy temp tracking devices that you wear that records your temp whilst you sleep. So no concerns about waking up at the same time every morning. I use this method to get pregnant and I don't temp at the same time every morning, I just do it the moment I wake up - sometimes 5am sometimes 8am.

Sounds a bit odd, but could you do ovulation tests every month? So a sort of hardcore version of the rhythm method? Then just avoid sex on the risky days? If you did that for the next couple of years, then you might be clearer about whether or not you want to get your tubes tied? It would cost about £10 a month, but I think you could be fairly sure you wouldn’t get pregnant, but keeps all options open.

@AnotherMarshmallow

I would agree with other posters that you don't sounds sure enough to have your tubes tied. I'm a similar age to you and about 90% sure I don't want kids. I had a pregnancy scare last year and felt sick with anxiety that I could be pregnant. I think the fact that you were thrilled with a positive test result is quite telling.

It was an odd mixture of being thrilled and also being horribly anxious at the same time, if that makes sense?

@1940s

OP in regards to my suggestion for the apps that track your cycle, you can buy pretty fancy temp tracking devices that you wear that records your temp whilst you sleep. So no concerns about waking up at the same time every morning. I use this method to get pregnant and I don't temp at the same time every morning, I just do it the moment I wake up - sometimes 5am sometimes 8am.

@1940s - really? I've not heard of this. Do you know any brands to Google?

@Paperairplane

Sounds a bit odd, but could you do ovulation tests every month? So a sort of hardcore version of the rhythm method? Then just avoid sex on the risky days? If you did that for the next couple of years, then you might be clearer about whether or not you want to get your tubes tied? It would cost about £10 a month, but I think you could be fairly sure you wouldn’t get pregnant, but keeps all options open.

What's an ovulation test?

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone

I think that anything permanent (or usually/potentially permanent) should only be done if you are 100% sure. You aren't 100% sure, so I wouldn't do it.

You said that when you thought you might be pregnant, you were both terrified and thrilled. That isn't unusual. The fact that part of you was thrilled tells me you shouldn't be taking away any chance that it might happen in the future.

What does your GP say about contraception options? And please get the smear, there must be a way to mitigate the impact of the PTSD sufficiently to allow you to be screened.

Hi OP. I think you’re being super sensible on one hand looking at the options in a dispassionate way but a bit mad on the other hand for reaching an extreme conclusion.
I had a copper coil put in under GA. I’ve also known of one be put in under heavy sedation (Iv Valium). Neither of us remember a thing but did need to put in a peasary to soften the cervix while awake. Sounds like that would be ok for you.
Good luck. X

@Onekidnoclue

Hi OP. I think you’re being super sensible on one hand looking at the options in a dispassionate way but a bit mad on the other hand for reaching an extreme conclusion. I had a copper coil put in under GA. I’ve also known of one be put in under heavy sedation (Iv Valium). Neither of us remember a thing but did need to put in a peasary to soften the cervix while awake. Sounds like that would be ok for you. Good luck. X

A pessary would only be OK if I could do it myself. I would never go there again (ie. cervical smear situation), unless I was under GA or heavily sedated.

Thanks.

A friend of mine had the coil fitted under GA......and that was on the NHS in the UK. So worth exploring that.