To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

I had my coil fitted under general anethetic due to vulvadynia that meant anything down there was very painful (an issue i've since had physio for). There's also the implant that goes in your arm if that's better for you?

It sounds like you're very unsure. I'd also reccomend some councelling for you to deal with what sounds like some very unresolved PTSD concerns

I considered a tubal ligation age 35 but after looking into side effects carried on using a copper coil. I’m 43 now so the most recent coil can stay in until after menopause, no matter how long that might be.

I already had children but still, the procedure wasn’t worth the associated risk to me:

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6230257/

Can DP get the snip instead?

I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

I was in agreement with you, until you said this.
i think that says you are not absolutely ready.

I think you said you had had an abnormal smear?
You really do need to follow up on that.
You are probably going to need to ask for sedation or GA for follow up treatment, but please don't leave this and not follow up.

How good is your GP? Are they sympathetic? You need to get them on side to get the treatment you need with the sedation etc that you need.

You are very brave to share as you have done, well done OP.

I am not one to say "you'll change your mind" or try to convince anyone to have children, deciding to be child free is great. But it really doesn't sound like you are sure.

You say if you did decide to TTC, it would be in the next 1-2 years. Why not at least wait that length of time.

I didn't get on with the pill either but I've found the implant fine.

I've had 2 coils fitted under general anaesthetic.

Have you considered the implant for contraception? Its fitted under local anaesthetic into the skin in your arm and lasts for three years. I had two in my early 30's and they were 100% effective and also stopped my periods as well which was a nice side effect for me! Removal is just as easy, local anaesthetic and a small stitch when they take it out.

With an implant if you do decide children are something you want then the effects wear off very quickly once it comes out. I was pregnant within 6 months of my second one being removed (planned pregnancy)

I am so sorry to read about women who have such awful experiences of sexual abuse and then have the pain of being forced to work through it through therapy with the focus on how they fix themselves and deal with it rather than heal from it. I don't know the answer but I know that many many women suffer appallingly and that talking therapies which can be useful for depression are often woefully unsuited to trauma. Yes the story needs to be shared and heard and listen to but this doesn't always help the victim to heal.

I think the thrush could well be related as in the words of someone else, our bodies hold the score.

Having said that, I also know that diet can help thrush significantly and I know many women who have suffered from thrush had left hormonal contraception behind and improved their body flora through diet. (Alcohol, sugar, dairy, gluten, yeast out and in with lots of leafy greens and some people find probiotics useful.) It's not a quick fix as the problem has been going on for some time, it takes time for the body to rebalance its bacteria but it is a profound fix which topical and oral treatments are not always.

I have children, always wanted them and wouldn’t change it. BUT they have taken every ounce of energy I have and more. Having them shaped every single part of my life. It’s not the same as other areas of life. It’s a massive seismic change. It was never a question for me but all the downsides are very real and if I hadn’t been absolutely sure I wanted them. I’m not sure I could have coped. I love my children but I wouldn’t recommend having them if you aren’t sure.

@Serendipity79

Have you considered the implant for contraception? Its fitted under local anaesthetic into the skin in your arm and lasts for three years. I had two in my early 30's and they were 100% effective and also stopped my periods as well which was a nice side effect for me! Removal is just as easy, local anaesthetic and a small stitch when they take it out.

With an implant if you do decide children are something you want then the effects wear off very quickly once it comes out. I was pregnant within 6 months of my second one being removed (planned pregnancy)

People keep suggesting hormonal solutions on this thread but I mentioned in my original post I'm not willing to take anything that stops me ovulating or interferes with hormones.

I wouldn't have considered tubal ligation if I could happily take the pill. I had a rough ride on the pill mental health wise and I'm reluctant to do anything along those lines again.

I would say no you shouldn't. You also seem to be taking account of your partners circumstances quite a lot in this decision but you have only been with him 6 months, which is no time at all.

It might be worth contacting an org that works with women in trauma recovery - not necessarily for more counselling but for practical advice on dealing with health concerns and intimate examinations. They may well know of a specific sexual health clinic that can has specially trained staff and/or sedation options where you can be referred for smears and contraception etc?

Seems like you wouldn’t have come to the tubal ligation answer if some other options weren’t automatically ruled out as too traumatic.

@ChateauMargaux

I am so sorry to read about women who have such awful experiences of sexual abuse and then have the pain of being forced to work through it through therapy with the focus on how they fix themselves and deal with it rather than heal from it. I don't know the answer but I know that many many women suffer appallingly and that talking therapies which can be useful for depression are often woefully unsuited to trauma. Yes the story needs to be shared and heard and listen to but this doesn't always help the victim to heal.

I think the thrush could well be related as in the words of someone else, our bodies hold the score.

Having said that, I also know that diet can help thrush significantly and I know many women who have suffered from thrush had left hormonal contraception behind and improved their body flora through diet. (Alcohol, sugar, dairy, gluten, yeast out and in with lots of leafy greens and some people find probiotics useful.) It's not a quick fix as the problem has been going on for some time, it takes time for the body to rebalance its bacteria but it is a profound fix which topical and oral treatments are not always.

I'm interested in natural remedies too and have gone down this route. I take two types of probiotic including one that is specifically for vaginal flora. And have reduced sugar, alcohol and simple carbs. I haven't had dairy or gluten for years as I get eczema and both make that worse. It's a bit of mystery as to why nothing I've done so far makes any difference. I wonder if it's stress affecting my immunity either that or a condom allergy, which is my suspicion.

When I had my coil fitted it was quicker than a smear. I didn't feel a thing. Was very surprised after all the bad press they get.

hammie, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so many difficult issues

Having or not having children is one of those situations where there simply is NO compromise or half way house possible. This is why i don't think that anybody on this thread or in RL could advise you one way or another. Whatever you decide to do is a leap of faith, takes strength and fortitude and may cause you regrets in the future.

Fwiw, I have 4 DCs.
I have never been broody for a day in my life.
I do not particularly like looking after babies and don't get me started on insane toddlers!
I had all my kids between the ages of 37 and 44, I also had 4 MCs, my H is a couple of years young than me, but we are now separated/divorce is pending.

Do I have regrets? Yes.
Are there aspects of my life that would be easier/better without kids or at least less kids? Yes.

For me it was always a long game - I felt the need to be part of something 'bigger' than me. It helped my accepting my own mortality to have had kids but also on a more practical level they keep me engaged in what goes on in the world by what goes on in their lives. Keeps me on my toes - not always what I want, but is probably good for me

I can completely see how a childfree life can be a good one, worthwhile and with value. I am in no way suggesting I did it 'right' and a childfree person is 'missing out' or 'being selfish' or whatever all the twats say. But it was not for me and I knew that even when I was dreading having to look after babies.

Re smears/coils etc - do please ask for sedation. Coils are v v suitable for women who have not delivered vaginally and v safe method of contraception.

V best of luck whatever you decide

Oh, and v good point about your DP having a vasectomy - would he consider that?

From the experiences you've mentioned I think coil could be very difficult (also can't do smear test but contractions and a c section was fine for me )

I'm afraid I dont have any answers, except I think it sounds like kids are very much not for you (not a bad thing!) Even if you are desperately broody and want to give up everything in their place, it is extremely difficult. Logically, no reason to do it! It's something you WANT. Very biological IF you get those feelings.

I can't really comment much, but I think it's great that you're considering so thoroughly about whether or not to bring children into this world. I wish I had had the same foresight myself!

We have teens with autism (my DH was 40 when we had our first, he has autistic traits too) and it is not easy parenting kids with extra needs. Also, having kids takes a tremendous amount of energy and I would worry that (if it were me) having kids at/ around 40 years old would be absolutely exhausting, I had my kids at 30 and even then I found it physically difficult.

One of our teens also suffers from depression, as do I. They say they have been "hit with a double whammy of depression and autism" - whatever the hereditary links and likelihood, I do think that we parents have passed on these traits and I truly wish we hadn't.

Beyond any doubt I love my children, without limits. But if I were in the position as you are, I would have the same concerns and I would likely choose not to have children. Having kids is ultimately a selfish act and I can't say that I would want to bring kids into this world or inflict the pain on myself of raising children (even if it deprived me of the love).

I support your choice for a tubal, but I second the sedation for a coil suggestion too.

I had a rather painful insertion of a coil (at the time had an undiagnosed bicornuate uterus), and before it got to the point of no return the consultant running the procedure asked me if I wanted to reschedule and go under general.

I was 18 and had a chip on my shoulder so I told her I'm no wuss, and to get it over and done with. Obviously that backfired when it turned out my uterus wasn't favourable and I wound up in agony, and even pregnant.

If my uterus was favourable I'd have the coil again (but can't now), but I wouldn't be a smug smart-ass like 18 year old me, and would probably welcome the suggestion of GA.

This was also on the NHS, so if any one reads this, it GA is offered on the trust.

@Cecily75

I can't really comment much, but I think it's great that you're considering so thoroughly about whether or not to bring children into this world. I wish I had had the same foresight myself!

We have teens with autism (my DH was 40 when we had our first, he has autistic traits too) and it is not easy parenting kids with extra needs. Also, having kids takes a tremendous amount of energy and I would worry that (if it were me) having kids at/ around 40 years old would be absolutely exhausting, I had my kids at 30 and even then I found it physically difficult.

One of our teens also suffers from depression, as do I. They say they have been "hit with a double whammy of depression and autism" - whatever the hereditary links and likelihood, I do think that we parents have passed on these traits and I truly wish we hadn't.

Beyond any doubt I love my children, without limits. But if I were in the position as you are, I would have the same concerns and I would likely choose not to have children. Having kids is ultimately a selfish act and I can't say that I would want to bring kids into this world or inflict the pain on myself of raising children (even if it deprived me of the love).

Thanks for sharing @Cecily75. DP also has autistic traits which is a worry, and has already had one autistic child. He's not getting any younger (and neither am I). So that would be a worry.

I would encourage you to be sensible and not have DC after everything you have posted but if you can get a coil fitted under sedation (and your smear issues checked - nag nag nag) that would give you a few more years to be 100% sure.

To me it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you don’t want a baby. Else you wouldn’t post here asking for strangers to tell you to have it done.
Give it more time, you are still young and have at least 10 years of child bearing years left. If you go ahead with the surgery in 5 years you may realise you made a mistake. Try different contraceptions available. I know they’re not all nice options but it’s temporary pain for long term gain. Don’t make such a rash decision based on a check list.
Fwiw I have been through a lot of the things you have and I went ahead and had 2 children. I’ve enjoyed every moment and love being a mum.

@Pacif1cDogwood

Oh, and v good point about your DP having a vasectomy - would he consider that?

No. He's not 100% certain he won't want another child.

You have lots of good reasons in favour of not wanting to have children. Just because you are female doesn’t remain you should have children or even want to have children.

But - taking an irreversible step is a huge huge decision and you have to know you don’t want children, really know that you really don’t. And that is allowed. You are allowed to not want your own kids whilst loving nieces and nephews etc. Being a fun and kind auntie is a lovely way to interact with children without any of the downsides that you’ve identified for yourself. But you can’t decide on sterilisation whilst you’re still undecided about whether you really would like a child.

I also think you should focus on what you want as being worthy, wanting your own house and career is heart, not head. Those things are perfectly acceptable emotional goals as well as practical ones. Mental state is also important. Children are exhausting, relentless, time consuming and messy. They take over your life. You would undoubtedly love any child you have, but you could also simultaneously regret the loss of all the other things in your life that are important to you.

I struggled with oral contraceptives and the injection, both gave me bad reactions weight gain and mood swings. I’ve had the implant, and it’s worked brilliantly for me. No side effects. It’s also statistically more effective than female sterilisation.

I’m 40 and never wanted children, and the older I get the happier I am with that decision. Good luck with whatever you decide OP.