To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

I think unless you’re 100% sure having a virtually non reversible surgery with massive effect wouldn’t be a good move. If you were willing to pay you can have a coil fitted under GA in extreme circumstances.

I'm childfree and past a stage where I'd be able to have children.

What would worry me on your list is - saying you were thrilled when you thought you might be pregnant, and that you feel urges to procreate when you ovulate. Also, you mention you love children - that in itself is fine, but you are clearly linking a love of children to becoming a parent, since you go on to say that people have said you'd make a great parent.

In short - I am the last person to say 'you'll change your mind' and I never did, but I don't think you are ready for the drastic step of sterilisation. You do need to be 100% sure and that means no urges here and there, no speculation about the what a good parent you'd make, no worries about your biological clock.

@Napqueen1234

I think unless you’re 100% sure having a virtually non reversible surgery with massive effect wouldn’t be a good move. If you were willing to pay you can have a coil fitted under GA in extreme circumstances.

I'm starting to think that might be the solution. Didn't even occur to me to ask for GA or sedation.

Try a coil under general anaesthetic or sedation. I’m just about to have baby number 2 and I thinknthe coil will be my choice until we decide to have another or not. I react badly to hormonal contraceptives and have suffered long term thrush. It was loo roll that I found to be my trigger eventually so I have to pick a soft brand carefully now!

Has your partner also been treated for thrush? It could be that he doesn't have symptoms and keeps passing it back to you.

Your reaction to the pregnancy test is very telling. Lots of people feel like they don't want kids when it's in the abstract (except for those who needed IVF, most people I know were very 'leave it to fate' rather than actively trying because they were sure they wanted one). The arguments against having them always make a lot of sense, but at the end of the day it's not a logical thing. You have too many doubts to shut down the options and as a PP said, there's some subtext suggesting that you might actually want them despite all the downsides. Try the sedation / coil and other solutions to the thrush (sounds awful, really sympathise, but also feels like there's got to be a cure and thrush shouldn't force you down this route), and see how things go with your partner. If he's a keeper and down the line decides he doesn't want more, then he could get the snip. I wouldn't tie my tubes with a partner of 6mo no matter how great he was, especially if I was as unsure about kids as you sound here.

weren't sure if they wanted one

@user1471457751

Has your partner also been treated for thrush? It could be that he doesn't have symptoms and keeps passing it back to you.

We only have sex with condoms, so don't think it's that.

But with a previous partner we had unprotected sex, and I didn't get thrush. We did with condoms tho. So I thought it was the condoms that were causing it.

OP I think you need to get some a lot of counselling/therapy for the abuse you've experienced.

Smears etc are generally quite grim for most women, and I think most mothers would agree that during pregnancy and labour/birth/postpartum their bodies aren't quite their own. Yet this shouldn't be a barrier to having a baby.

You've got many valid reasons for not having kids, every woman should have the choice, and not have her reasons questioned.

But you also mention a few things which give me the feeling you're not against the idea entirely. DON'T under any circumstances have kids because your dp of 6 months says he might like another - the person who doesn't want them should trump to other in a relationship.

As for contraception, explore everything. BOTH of you need treatment for thrush - then try different brands of condoms. Coil can be great but I don't think you're ready for maternity care if you can't get your head around getting it fitted. Plus - a few minutes physical discomfort vs weeks of recovery from surgery doesn't make sense (abuse aside).

Your current preferred contraceptive choice (ie ligation) is final. You should have lots of open discussion with your dp, gp, counsellor about how that decision might affect you in the future.

Please, don't use 'but my dp said he might want another dc' as a reason to have one. He might not be around forever, but you would be a mum forever.

Have you considered the implant?

I think the issue here is that despite everything you're not 100% sure.

It's entirely different feeling choosing not to have children than knowing that you can't, especially if it's something you've done on purpose.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that I think you’re really brave for talking about what happened to you. That takes a lot of courage.

In terms of getting your tubes tied, I’d maybe wait until you were 99-100% sure it’s what you want, just in case. I think exploring whether you could have a coil fitted under general anaesthetic is a good idea though. Maybe you could suggest that they do a smear at the same time and then it gets both things done safely without you having to go through them. I hope it works out for you ❤️.

I have children, but as you say, you can have a happy life without them. It’s just different. I think more and more women are choosing not to now for some of the reasons you have outlined.
There are solutions to some of your ‘cons’ but not to others. If you are pregnant and expecting a baby, you will lose some of the control that you have been accustomed to having over your life. You are responsible 100% for another human being and certain medical interventions may become necessary. You don’t have to breast feed if you choose not to, but you can’t set your hopes on a home delivery with no one present. It’s too dangerous for you and the baby. But clearly you know that by the way you write your post.
You would 100% lose out on sleep with a new baby and there is always a risk to any new mother that mental health can deteriorate. It’s whether you can accept those risks and go ahead or that you would rather not put yourself in that position.
It’s so tricky. One way to look at it is this.. if the biological clock was not an issue and you had all the time in the world, how would you feel then? Would you want a child at 38/9 or would you keep putting off the decision?
Good luck in whatever you decide.

I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result

I’m going to ignore the rest of your post OP and just focus on this as I was in this exact situation. I was sexually abused as a teen. Any medical situation where things are inserted into my vagina causes severe distress and lots of tears.

I knew DH and I couldn’t live childless, unlike you I had very strong maternal instincts. It was still awful, it really was. I found the process of giving birth traumatic and triggering in every way. DS was 3 months before I went a day without crying! I had panic attacks in my sleep.

For me it was worth it because we wanted DS SOOOO much. I will probably do it again too.

But it is REALLY hard and unpleasant

@Muppetry76

OP I think you need to get some a lot of counselling/therapy for the abuse you've experienced.

Smears etc are generally quite grim for most women, and I think most mothers would agree that during pregnancy and labour/birth/postpartum their bodies aren't quite their own. Yet this shouldn't be a barrier to having a baby.

You've got many valid reasons for not having kids, every woman should have the choice, and not have her reasons questioned.

But you also mention a few things which give me the feeling you're not against the idea entirely. DON'T under any circumstances have kids because your dp of 6 months says he might like another - the person who doesn't want them should trump to other in a relationship.

As for contraception, explore everything. BOTH of you need treatment for thrush - then try different brands of condoms. Coil can be great but I don't think you're ready for maternity care if you can't get your head around getting it fitted. Plus - a few minutes physical discomfort vs weeks of recovery from surgery doesn't make sense (abuse aside).

Your current preferred contraceptive choice (ie ligation) is final. You should have lots of open discussion with your dp, gp, counsellor about how that decision might affect you in the future.

Please, don't use 'but my dp said he might want another dc' as a reason to have one. He might not be around forever, but you would be a mum forever.

Thanks for taking the time to advise. Not sure if you missed it, but I mentioned in my post, no suggestions of therapy please. I've already had a ton of counselling/psychotherapy... I've spent a large amount of money on it, and don't want to do anymore. I would perhaps be open to trying something trauma focused like EMDR though. Maybe that's my next step.

@Pumpertrumper

I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result

I’m going to ignore the rest of your post OP and just focus on this as I was in this exact situation. I was sexually abused as a teen. Any medical situation where things are inserted into my vagina causes severe distress and lots of tears.

I knew DH and I couldn’t live childless, unlike you I had very strong maternal instincts. It was still awful, it really was. I found the process of giving birth traumatic and triggering in every way. DS was 3 months before I went a day without crying! I had panic attacks in my sleep.

For me it was worth it because we wanted DS SOOOO much. I will probably do it again too.

But it is REALLY hard and unpleasant

Yeah, I think this is how it would be for me. But without actually having that strong desire to have any kids so it doesn't seem worth it right now.

I also think if I did get pregnant I'd opt for an elective caesarian.

Why don't you try the apps that highlight your fertile and non fertile days? When used properly they offer very good protection and if you can consider a week or so without sex per month then it's a hormone free contraception.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Have you considered the implant?

I think the issue here is that despite everything you're not 100% sure.

It's entirely different feeling choosing not to have children than knowing that you can't, especially if it's something you've done on purpose.

I don't like any kind of hormonal contraception, I've tried a few different types and they gave me bad side effects. I didn't feel like myself. But thanks for your suggestion.

There’s a 20-25% chance to do want children so ligation is not the correct decision for you right now.

I absolutely agree about asking for a coil fitting under sedation.

I suffered from recurrent thrush and solved it by using this approach:

10 days of Cannestan pessaries (I think 200mg- it was a long time ago)
Use of cannestan cream to external genitals throughout.

Then long term use of Cannestan 500 every 2 weeks.

It completely solved a period of misery.

Many people are treated for thrush with short term methods which might work for many but if there is a deep seated growth of candida it will keep flaring up.

Best wishes, your situation sounds difficult to negotiate.

@1940s

Why don't you try the apps that highlight your fertile and non fertile days? When used properly they offer very good protection and if you can consider a week or so without sex per month then it's a hormone free contraception.

Tried them, too. Only issue is, you have to wake up at the same time each day to take your temperature and have the app be accurate. My wake time is inconsistent so we gave up after about a month.

I'm 44 - I've been wanting to get my tubes tied for years - they still won't do it. Before long it will be pointless.

ii've been 100% certain ever since I was a kid I didn't want kids. (except as an only child married to an older man in rare moments of introspection when I thought about who is going to visit me when I'm old - which is never a good reason for kids)

BTW forgot to mention that in the U.K. you’d be able to have a Csection after appropriate discussions with the medical team.

Hi OP, I’m childfree.

What really stands out to me about your post is your reaction to the incorrect pregnancy test. You were thrilled, which does suggest there’s some part of you that would like children? For me personally, I would be absolutely horrified and the thought of accidentally getting pregnant fills me with pure dread.

Since you seem a bit on the fence, I probably wouldn’t suggest getting the surgery. I know first hand how annoying it is being told ‘you’ll change your mind’, but in your case you do have a very long list of cons.

I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

OP some interesting g thoughts about this issue here.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-worry-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

@Leodot

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that I think you’re really brave for talking about what happened to you. That takes a lot of courage.

In terms of getting your tubes tied, I’d maybe wait until you were 99-100% sure it’s what you want, just in case. I think exploring whether you could have a coil fitted under general anaesthetic is a good idea though. Maybe you could suggest that they do a smear at the same time and then it gets both things done safely without you having to go through them. I hope it works out for you ❤️.

Thanks.

I actually had a smear 12 months ago with borderline abnormal results but I never went back for the next step. I think they needed to explore further in a hospital setting. No fricking way. So maybe having them do the smear and coil fitting at the same time under GA would be a possible.

A doctor talked me into the smear that time, but I wish I had never had it. I had PTSD symptoms for a while afterwards.