To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

OP, I had my coil fitted under general anaesthetic, which should be an option for you.

@Sheenais why are you being so nasty?

OP, you don’t sound neurotic at all! You sound extremely responsible and logical! Wish you all the best whatever. You have thought this through with so much more care than people who do have kids - I can’t think of anyone who has thought long and hard about whether they truly have the capacity to be a parent.

@hammie46i I apologise for not reading the full thread, but have read your comments and wanted to wish you well, whatever you decide.

That will be the right decision.

Good luck.

Regarding the actual tubal ligation procedure I have had one myself and it was easy (compared to a caesarean) and there was not any problems or 'syndromes'.
Regarding having DCs or not --What is your family like? Would you have help from relatives or grandparents with them? Because if your family isn't the type to help out EVERYTHING is on you, you cannot do anything without childcare and it's really really hard. If you had a child with health issues or disability would you be on your own or would family step up to help?

Sorry if this has been asked already

@hammie46i - my sister chose to have her tubes tied in her late 20s - she and her dh were absolutely sure that they didn’t want children.

She is now in her 50s, and as far as I know, she has never regretted her decision - their decision. Having raised three children myself, I completely respect her decision. Raising children is hard work, especially when they are young, and even though I wanted every one of my boys, there were times I struggled with parenthood - it would be much harder if you didn’t want children, but had an unwanted pregnancy.

You have clearly thought long and hard reasons for and against this course of action, and whatever you do decide, I am sure you will make the right decision for you.

I always knew I never wanted children, and I never have. Even as a small child, I used to insist I didn't want children and just wanted lots of dogs.

I never did want children, and luckily never had any problems with contraception. You don't sound certain at all OP, so I think you might regret it if you opt for sterilisation.

I wonder if the implant or injection might suit you, or if it would give you the same problems as the pill? Or you could try the good old-fashioned diaphragm. That's what I used for my last 12 years of fertility.

Did you know tubal ligation is not always successful? Unlike a vasectomy there is no test that can be conducted afterwards! I had it done but still feel nervous incase I fall pregnant again

In terms of other methods of contraception, if you know you ovulate regularly could you not just avoid sex around the ovulation period, or the classic pull out method. I know neither are 100% fool proof but may be a temporary option whilst you’re making your mind up.

Just want to say, if you got pregnant and went with midwife lead care, and had a homebirth with midwives, you could birth safely without any invasive or triggering procedures. I've had 3 successive pregnancies/births this way and not had a single pelvic exam/cervix check, and had really positive birth experiences (I'm traumatized by any medical procedures that involve removing clothing, so I sympathize with your anxiety).

So don't say that you can't birth in a way that feels safe for you without being an irresponsible mum, it's not true!

If you're only 75 to 80 percent certain you don't want kids then I would worry about the other 20 - 25 percent of you that does want kids. I think it's one thing when you don't have the choice but I would worry that if you got your tubes tied and the choice was taken away from you, that you then might change your mind and regret the decision.

It's obviously up to you, and you will make the right decision for you OP.

I hope it all works out for you

Here's another thought re hormone free contraception: Have you heard of the Billings Method?

billings.life/en/

It can be used to aid conception as well as to avoid conception. Like any other method of contraception (including tubal ligation) it has a failure rate and is not for everybody but it is hormone free.
It may (MAY, mind you, it might not do this for you at all) also help you make peace with your body if that might be something you struggle with after surviving abuse?? Apologies if I am completely off the mark.

Just to add, I agree with PP, you do not sound neurotic or 'sad' in the least but rather v considerate and conscious of your strengths and limitations.

I said at 13 no kids pestered all through my first marriage finally got done at 37 never regretted it.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but is there any possibility you're allergic to latex?
I had a terrible time for years with condoms, repetitive thrush, swelling, so much discomfort.
I switched to latex free and never had a symptom again

@Pacif1cDogwood

Here's another thought re hormone free contraception: Have you heard of the Billings Method?

billings.life/en/

It can be used to aid conception as well as to avoid conception. Like any other method of contraception (including tubal ligation) it has a failure rate and is not for everybody but it is hormone free.
It may (MAY, mind you, it might not do this for you at all) also help you make peace with your body if that might be something you struggle with after surviving abuse?? Apologies if I am completely off the mark.

Just to add, I agree with PP, you do not sound neurotic or 'sad' in the least but rather v considerate and conscious of your strengths and limitations.

Hi, this is interesting, I will explore further. Thanks. I've been tracking my cycle for years and usually find I know when I am ovulating. However, I've found that men can be quite wary of this method (just paying attention to cycle without the concrete signs like temperature). I'd need to discuss it with him, I'm not sure if he would go for it.

@whatacarryon2018

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but is there any possibility you're allergic to latex? I had a terrible time for years with condoms, repetitive thrush, swelling, so much discomfort. I switched to latex free and never had a symptom again

Yes I talked about this upthread.

@LakieLady

I always knew I never wanted children, and I never have. Even as a small child, I used to insist I didn't want children and just wanted lots of dogs.

I never did want children, and luckily never had any problems with contraception. You don't sound certain at all OP, so I think you might regret it if you opt for sterilisation.

I wonder if the implant or injection might suit you, or if it would give you the same problems as the pill? Or you could try the good old-fashioned diaphragm. That's what I used for my last 12 years of fertility.

I'm against any method, such as the pill or implant, that stops ovulation.

www.larabriden.com/the-secret-powers-of-ovulation/

@Foolsand

Regarding the actual tubal ligation procedure I have had one myself and it was easy (compared to a caesarean) and there was not any problems or 'syndromes'. Regarding having DCs or not --What is your family like? Would you have help from relatives or grandparents with them? Because if your family isn't the type to help out EVERYTHING is on you, you cannot do anything without childcare and it's really really hard. If you had a child with health issues or disability would you be on your own or would family step up to help? Sorry if this has been asked already

This is another one for my con's list - no family help at all. DP's family live 11,000 miles away. I am no contact with my mother.

Thanks everyone. Apart from the couple of judgmental people upthread, this has been very interesting & given me lots of ideas.

I was a child of a mother who didn't want children. It was miserable. I've always wanted children. Desperately. My mum, however, never wanted them - and she made that very clear. She had us because she felt expected to by society and family. She never hid her resentment and openly spoke in front of us kids about how she never wanted children. So I think if you don't want children it's best not to have them. I don't mean if you change your mind but more if you continue to feel like this and feel pressured by your partner or family or friends.

However, I would say it's vital you take out income protection insurance asap especially as you don't yet own a home. If you became too ill to work and your relationship doesn't work out you'll need something to fall back on. There's no real safety net for childless people anymore.

I was sterilised recently late 40s (privately) and I really wish I had done it years ago.

Always known I never wanted children so the decision was easy and I wanted to stop hormonal contraceptives.

A lot of your post makes me wonder if the shadow of abuse is overshadowing any clarity on making the decision to have children
Would you consider seeing a councillor or speaking to someone about the current decision you need to make and see if that throws up some stuff you need to deal with ?

I think fear and trauma come from your post and I wonder if working through that could be healing and allow you to make a decision
It would be an awful shame for you to regret the decision in a few years time and either way might be too late to reverse, you can't give a baby back and it ain't too easy to get one too.

Even if you don't want to talk to a councillor or psychologists that deals with sexual issues just talking through this current decision might help

OP you can have a coil fitted under sedation too. It does not have to be just tubal ligation as your choice. Go see a gynaecologist and ask for a mirena coil to be fit under sedation. You’ll then be covered for 5 years. You can then decide again to have another coil or something else. Also, it gives you the flexibility to change your mind.

You will not be alone in feeling afraid to have the coil fit. As well, some women have tilted uterus that they recommend the coil fit under sedation. You’re not alone there.

@hammie46i have you tried acupuncture for thrush? Definitely worth a try if not! No experience to offer but myself and family members have used it for many other things.

Re tube tying, I think this is a bad idea as it seems your decision is shaped around your childhood trauma (which you could possibly overcome/ make it effect you differently with the right therapy). You may also not end up being with the man you are with now a few years down the line

@scatteredglitter

A lot of your post makes me wonder if the shadow of abuse is overshadowing any clarity on making the decision to have children Would you consider seeing a councillor or speaking to someone about the current decision you need to make and see if that throws up some stuff you need to deal with ?

I think fear and trauma come from your post and I wonder if working through that could be healing and allow you to make a decision
It would be an awful shame for you to regret the decision in a few years time and either way might be too late to reverse, you can't give a baby back and it ain't too easy to get one too.

Even if you don't want to talk to a councillor or psychologists that deals with sexual issues just talking through this current decision might help

I've already had years of counselling/psychotherapy for the horrors of my childhood. I don't think any more will help. I do actually mention this in the post, for some reason people are not seeing it.