To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

Also had counselling for this issue a while back as I've been wanting to get a tubal ligation for about 2 years. Therapy is very expensive, I paid for it all privately.

I think it's absolutely understandable why you're nervous about the coil (and ignore the brain dead idiots who gave you a hard time about this).

Your list of cons, and your feeling of being 75%/80% sure that you don't want kids, suggests to me that you don't have any real desire to have them. I think the posters saying you do want them deep down are subconsciously projecting their own feelings. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's human nature. But it's also ok to not want children.

I think having a difficult childhood can make us very unsure of ourselves and cause us to really question our feelings and decisions, and to seek reassurance. Especially when we go against societal norms. I'm wondering if you're genuinely on the fence, or if you're having trouble accepting your true feelings. Your post almost sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you're allowed to feel how you do.

I don't think you need to take drastic action now. As PPs have said, getting the coil fitted under anasthetic gives you the option to change your mind in the future, if you want to.

i think it sounds like youve gt great reasons to remain childfree.
Ive had my tubes tied and its been fine, Im glad I dont get to change my mind.
I have had children though, but I know so many happy childfree people and they seem to have so much more freedom and headspace than me in many ways. The ones that are childfree because of circumstance rather than choice seem to get dogs and be absolutely happy with that.

also for recurrent thrush, it is more likely that youre not getting rid of it properly. You need to put a thrush pessary every week for a month to 6 week, whether you feel like you need it or not. That was how I finally cleared mine up

I've already had years of counselling/psychotherapy for the horrors of my childhood. I don't think any more will help. I do actually mention this in the post, for some reason people are not seeing it.

We have seen it, but we also see that you are still so affected by the horrors of your childhood that trying more/different counselling/therapy would continue to be useful. Especially as it is clouding such a life-changing decision as to whether or not to have kids.

Its not that big a deal to not want kids. Its quite a big deal to not want kids yet be all fertile and sorting out contraception constantly when it doesnt suit you