To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

I had an elective C-section and it was great. Woman-only team, all behind a curtain, your sex organs are not involved and I felt no discomfort at all. Not a bit.

You do not sound to me like someone who doesn't want children. You sound like someone who actually kind of does want them but has very understandable and relatable concerns about it, some of which I think all women share to a greater or lesser extent and some of which are specific to the abuse that you experienced.

I would go for coil under sedation.

I have the mirena coil and its fitted under a ga as I go into cervical shock, so it is possible to have it done. I'd also recommend EMDR for your trauma. It's helped me enormously.

Hi op, sorry to hear your troubles. I'd echo what pp said that 80% sure is not enough to make permanent decisions.

I've had both the contraceptive implant (which goes in your arm) and injection, which were both great for me, so might be worth looking into? I had different reasons though (too scatty to take the pill, and don't like the idea of foreign objects "up there").

I've already had a ton of counselling/psychotherapy... I've spent a large amount of money on it

But you still have a terrifying level of trauma which is affecting a significant amount of your life and playing a huge part in limiting your life choices.

Kids are expensive and time consuming. I'd invest in the right sort of therapy (of whatever kind, and keep going until I found what worked for me) to put me in a place where I could see beyond the horror of the abuse to enable me to envisage a future not decided by the horrors of my past.

Even if you then decide not to have kids

I totally get you with the smear thing. I was not abused but I had a diabolical experience with a gynecologist who had her nurse pin me down to perform a very rough and painful smear. I do have them now but I missed them for ages because it was so awful and although nurses are incredibly kind and gentle at my surgery it really takes a lot to get through them. I did not have a single intimate examination during my pregnancy which I think may be to do with an elective section.

You don’t sound certain enough to me so no, don’t do it.

I think maybe you should opt for some counselling sessions to try and reconcile in your own head where you stand and where you see yourself going. To me you sound seriously confused and still very traumatised by your previous abuse.

OP, have you considered/talked to your GP about a prescription for weekly fluconazole for the thrush? I ask this as someone who never had thrush before then bam, it became regular after the first time I had it. It REALLY helped. I was on it for 1 year.

I originally was on it for 6 months and came off to see how it went, then went back on for another 6 after another case a few weeks after coming off. Since then, I've had it at most once a year. My GP said after the 6 months when I got it again, that sometimes it takes the body a while to 'flush' it out of your system.

If that would enable you to use condoms, I'd say give it a go!

Have you thought about adoption? I'm in my late 20s and also of the mind that I do not want children, I don't want to carry them, I don't want to give birth and I don't want to look after a baby or toddler, so I've come to the conclusion that more likely than not I will be adopting when I'm older if I change my mind.

So I always wanted two children but after having DD, I felt not only did I not want anymore, if I had my time again and I was going to get pregnant with any child other than DD I wouldn’t do it. She is the only one I would do it for. I would rather have my life.

I had severe depression a few years before Dd and then pnd with suicidal tendencies and anxiety.

Having said this, if an accidentally pregnancy happened I wouldn’t terminate. I have looked into hysterectomies due to horrendous periods and cervical cysts but I would wait until it was all I wanted to do it. It was at one point on the cards for a medical reason so I had fully prepared myself for that future.

It’s a very complicated thing.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil

I totally get you with the smear thing. I was not abused but I had a diabolical experience with a gynecologist who had her nurse pin me down to perform a very rough and painful smear. I do have them now but I missed them for ages because it was so awful and although nurses are incredibly kind and gentle at my surgery it really takes a lot to get through them. I did not have a single intimate examination during my pregnancy which I think may be to do with an elective section.

Ugh. Really sorry that happened to you. What the fuck is wrong with those medical staff? The person who abused me was in the medical profession too which adds another layer to not wanting to go anywhere near any kind of medical setting.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I think maybe you should opt for some counselling sessions to try and reconcile in your own head where you stand and where you see yourself going. To me you sound seriously confused and still very traumatised by your previous abuse.

I've done masses of counselling (mention it in my post). It was helpful for other issues but didn't help me with the abuse trauma.

How about the contraceptive implant? Have you tried that? X

Sorry I missed the bit where you said you don't want any more therapy. I have no other advice I'm afraid...

OK well thanks all you have given me some ideas. I'm going to postpone the tubal ligation and talk to the Dr about the coil and why I want it done under GA or sedation.

And I'm going to look into EMDR for the trauma.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

OP, have you considered/talked to your GP about a prescription for weekly fluconazole for the thrush? I ask this as someone who never had thrush before then bam, it became regular after the first time I had it. It REALLY helped. I was on it for 1 year.

I originally was on it for 6 months and came off to see how it went, then went back on for another 6 after another case a few weeks after coming off. Since then, I've had it at most once a year. My GP said after the 6 months when I got it again, that sometimes it takes the body a while to 'flush' it out of your system.

If that would enable you to use condoms, I'd say give it a go!

Yes been taking itracanozole for several months but haven't seen any results yet. The thrush only clears up once I stop using condoms. That's why I think I'm dealing with an allergy.

Sorry I didn't have time to reply to everyone but appreciate all the posts x

@Sheenais
FFS - did you not also read I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards.

Perhaps engage your brain before acting like a bitch to abuse victims on the internet.

OP it sounds like you've got a lot to think about, regardless it's unlikely that you'd get a tubal ligation anytime soon, it often takes years for women to get his procedure.

I had a similar issue with condoms, and it turned out to be the latex that was the issue. Skyn condoms are non latex, and I can use them without difficulties, although you would need to get the thrush cleared up before you tried them, as the thrush will make you raw and sore and anything will aggravate it.

[quote Veterinari]@Sheenais
FFS - did you not also read I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards.

Perhaps engage your brain before acting like a bitch to abuse victims on the internet.

OP it sounds like you've got a lot to think about, regardless it's unlikely that you'd get a tubal ligation anytime soon, it often takes years for women to get his procedure. [/quote]
If I got one at some point, I'd go private which is quite cheap in my country. I know someone who had it done here and you don't have to advocate as hard for yourself if you're paying for it yourself.

I was sterilised on the NHS at 34. I'd been absolutely sure for many years that I didn't want kids of my own and sick of all the different problems contraception gave me. My GP and the gynaecologist were fine with my decision; I was absolutely clear in my mind and made this clear to them.

The chances of a reversal working are incredibly slim so you have to be 100%. Making pro and con lists makes me think you're not there yet so, while you think about it further, maybe you could ask about having a coil fitted under sedation.

Do it, not everyone has to have kids. It's your life.

@AltogetherAndrews

I had a similar issue with condoms, and it turned out to be the latex that was the issue. Skyn condoms are non latex, and I can use them without difficulties, although you would need to get the thrush cleared up before you tried them, as the thrush will make you raw and sore and anything will aggravate it.

It's funny you mention that because I'm allergic to latex too. The only brand I can use is Skyn because it's polyisoprene but these are the ones that are giving me troubles. I think it's the spermicide. There is no other alternative tho, so??! A bit tricky.

Contraceptive implant or injections?

[quote Veterinari]@Sheenais
FFS - did you not also read I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards.

Perhaps engage your brain before acting like a bitch to abuse victims on the internet.

OP it sounds like you've got a lot to think about, regardless it's unlikely that you'd get a tubal ligation anytime soon, it often takes years for women to get his procedure. [/quote]
That was the first response on my post too. I nearly emailed Mumsnet to take the thread down as I didn't think it would be safe discussing this here. But thankfully other posters have been more compassionate.