To get sterilised and not have any kids - what would you do in my place?

[hammie46i]

I know this is a funny thing to post on Mumsnet, which is a parenting website, but I need some advice from people with kids (and people without them.)

I am age 36 and about 75-80% certain I don't want children, however I am coming to the point where it looks like tubal ligation is the most suitable form of contraception for me and I need to make a decision or find an alternative.

I am interested in hearing from people about whether you think I will regret this. It would be great to hear from people with kids (including those who never really wanted them but got pregnant anyway) and also longtime childfree people.

I am mid thirties and in a good, 6 month long relationship. He says he's 55-60% certain he wants another child (he has a child from another relationship) but basically he can take it or leave it.

I react badly to contraceptive pill, I am too scared to get a coil fitted (apparently it is very painful for nulliparous women) and condoms give me thrush. I am sick of the constant thrush and we can't have sex anymore because of it. The thrush has been an issue for the last 2.5 years (ever since I took a morning after pill it's been chronic).

Other reasons for getting tubal ligation

• I've never really wanted children. I love my nieces and nephews but I am not that maternal. When I think about having a child, it seems like a massive burden of responsibility that might not be right for me.

• I love my sleep and regularly sleep 9 hours + per night. My mental health goes downhill when I get less than 5 hrs per night.

• I have a history of mild to moderate depression

• I was sexually abused and don't get smear tests because it triggers my PTSD for about a week afterwards. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I can't imagine being in a situation (like giving birth) where I would be that vulnerable. I think if I went into labour I would give birth at home on my own and not tell anyone until afterwards. I know that sounds very selfish & immature because what if my child needed medical attention and it suggests I'm not fit to be a mother as a result.

• I don't want to be pregnant or carry another human inside me

• I don't own a home and this is my goal over next few years. If I have a child any time soon it will scupper my goal of saving a deposit. DP owns his home but I want a jointly owned home. I wouldn't want to live in his home.

• I don't want my successful career to be affected. DP works full time. I have a flexible career and I think the bulk of the child rearing would be left to me.

• I'm 36 and don't want to conceive after the age of about 38-39, mainly because DP is 8 years older than me and already has one autistic child (apparently the chances of having an autistic child increase when the dad gets into his 40s.)

• I had a bad childhood and don't want to be reminded of that at any point. Seeing my nieces and nephews does remind me and make me sad.

• The situation with covid doesn't make me feel very positive about bringing a child into this world.

• Many of my female friends who are mums have had bad experiences with childbirth. Two nearly died and one has PTSD as a result. Another has issues with prolapse and incontinence. Another mum I know, her eyesight became really bad after giving birth. I also don't like the mental health changes I've seen in my friends...all bar one have had some version/degree of PND or anxiety. Plus all have had to downgrade their own careers as a result while partners careers are going well. Seems a bit unfair?

• Don't want my child to have access to my breasts for feeding.

Reasons not to go ahead with tubal ligation

• My nieces and nephews bring me great joy and I love kids. People have often commented that I'd make a great parent.

• I do worry I will regret it when I'm older, and that my life will be empty, yet when I look at the list above, it doesn't seem likely. I have a full life and I expect I will when I'm older, too

• I have a very flexible career and can make money by working a few hours per day.

• I do have a biological clock and the only time it seems really good idea to have a child is when I'm ovulating.

• I had a false positive pregnancy test two years ago in another relationship and I was terrified but also absolutely thrilled. Turns out it was a faulty test though.

If we ended up having one we'd wait another year or two.

What would you do in my position. My heart says no kids but my head suggests I'll regret it in a couple of years.

I know this post makes me sound neurotic, but please don't suggest psychotherapy for my issues as I was in and out of therapy for years and I don't want to do any more of it.

YANBU - get the tubal ligation & forget about kids

YABU - reconsider and give it more time.

@hammie46i

A doctor talked me into the smear that time, but I wish I had never had it. I had PTSD symptoms for a while afterwards.

If you had abnormal results, that could indicate something sinister. Not following up n that can have devastating consequences. If your fear of having further investigations is stopping you, you need to tell your GP about this to see what they can recommend. In the meantime, a short term implant may be the solution.

Give it more time, you are still young and have at least 10 years of child bearing years left.

The OP is 36. I would say she has 8 years at the most, before things could get difficult. But I agree she should perhaps leave it a couple of years.

@SerenDippitty

Give it more time, you are still young and have at least 10 years of child bearing years left.

The OP is 36. I would say she has 8 years at the most, before things could get difficult. But I agree she should perhaps leave it a couple of years.

I definitely wouldn't want to reproduce after the age of 40. DP would be 48 then. I think it'd be too old, for our situation anyway, seeing as he's not exactly full of energy and has one autistic child already. So I have about 3-4 years left to decide.

The relationship with DP has only been going 6 months but we knew each other before that and corresponded for a couple of years prior while we were separated by distance. So it's not like we only just met, if that helps to give some context. We now live in the same city.

Your not 100% certain so no I wouldn't

Can't tell you how many stories I've heard of 36 old women who said they didn't want children then changed their minds late 30s and early 40s and bitterly regretted it

I have (and would recommend) a copper coil, if you can find a way to get it fitted without triggering PTSD. My periods are a bit heavier, but the flip side is a smoother hormonal cycle and the knowledge I will not get pregnant for a decade.

The way you described your reaction to the false positive pregnancy test was interesting - it's spot on how I felt with my first (wanted) pregnancy. Babies are a massive life change and if you are not apprehensive when you first find out, you either have a home staff or you are glossing over the hurdles.

Here's a thought experiment: if I could hand you an egg, with a beautiful human child inside - would you take it? No triggers, no birth trauma: just your baby.

If the answer is "yes," then it's likely your abuse is the main barrier and your mind is protecting you, as best it can. That does not mean you have to have a baby, but you can explore some of the options suggested (esp. an elective c-section) to see if they are viable, for you.

At the end of the day, you don't need a reason to say "no, I don't want a child." If you want to stay child-free but enjoy time with them, there's your nieces and nephews, plus mentoring or volunteering through organisations.

@Soontobe60 - the cervical screening also showed that I had a strain of HPV which is known to cause cervical cancer. So this has been on my mind for about a year, but I researched it and there can be false positives (and the finding was borderline abnormal cell changes, which means they're not sure if it's anything at all but just want to check.)

I worked out that statistically I'm more likely to die from any number of other ways than through cervical cancer and decided at the time that I'd rather take my chances. Has been on my mind though.

@WyrdSister1

I have (and would recommend) a copper coil, if you can find a way to get it fitted without triggering PTSD. My periods are a bit heavier, but the flip side is a smoother hormonal cycle and the knowledge I will not get pregnant for a decade.

The way you described your reaction to the false positive pregnancy test was interesting - it's spot on how I felt with my first (wanted) pregnancy. Babies are a massive life change and if you are not apprehensive when you first find out, you either have a home staff or you are glossing over the hurdles.

Here's a thought experiment: if I could hand you an egg, with a beautiful human child inside - would you take it? No triggers, no birth trauma: just your baby.

If the answer is "yes," then it's likely your abuse is the main barrier and your mind is protecting you, as best it can. That does not mean you have to have a baby, but you can explore some of the options suggested (esp. an elective c-section) to see if they are viable, for you.

At the end of the day, you don't need a reason to say "no, I don't want a child." If you want to stay child-free but enjoy time with them, there's your nieces and nephews, plus mentoring or volunteering through organisations.

That's an interesting question. Yes I would take it. I know this sounds silly but it occured to me once that I wouldn't mind if someone left an unwanted child/baby on my doorstep to raise.

But I wouldn't want to go through the whole process of adopting one because I know someone who went through that and you have to really want it. There's so many hurdles to go through, I'd fall at the first one. But if someone handed it to me on a plate then yes I'd take it.

You asked about ovulation tests. I’m using them at the moment - to try and get pregnant. The clearblue ones give you five days when you might get pregnant and then when you’re about to ovulate. They’re v accurate. You just pee on a stick in the morning. It would be a faff for you, but it would avoid getting pregnant and might be an option.

@Paperairplane

You asked about ovulation tests. I’m using them at the moment - to try and get pregnant. The clearblue ones give you five days when you might get pregnant and then when you’re about to ovulate. They’re v accurate. You just pee on a stick in the morning. It would be a faff for you, but it would avoid getting pregnant and might be an option.

Thank you... I will look into that.

Coil was the best decision I ever made - it’s fine.

My sister was very much like you never wanted children. At the age of 40 in a stable relationship it’s now all she wants but sadly so far no luck and due to Covid investigations are delayed to find out why.
It has really taken us all but surprise as we never expected her to change her mind as she was so adamant before. (Sounded very much like you, if I’d read this a year ago I’d think it was her)

Like you OP, I wasn't 100% sure I didn't want kids, but my reasons for considering a tubal ligation were very similar to yours (except I have never suffered abuse, thankfully).

I went ahead and had it done when I was mid thirties. I'm now 66 and have not regretted it as a life choice. I will admit that there have been times when I have wondered what motherhood would have been like or what my "kids" would have looked like and turned into. But overall it was a good decision for me. But I'm me ..... and you are you, and only you know you own feelings. I will say though, that your relationship is quite in its early days - 6 months isn't long. When I had my procedure, I had been in a stable marriage for three years to a man I had been with for 2 years before that, so felt I was on solid ground.

I think you should look into the risks involved in tubal ligation. What affects it has on the female body, does it cause more complications in the future that will require more intervention later down the line etc.
I only know of two women, both now have thyroid issues and struggle with losing weight, one has severe pelvic and lower back pain that is so debilitating, she has regular time off work. But I only know two - and there could be 1000s of women who have no problems.
Also, you can be a parent without being biologically related to your children.

@T00FarT0Travel

You would probably need to pay to have it done privately. I don't think you would get it on NHS if you have no children. If you are in UK

You're wrong.

Coil or mirena reversible but just as effective as contraception. I take on board not wanting to have an intimate vaginal examination but you could have one inserted under sedation. Sterilisation has more risk attached as a procedure and long term, does not add to protection from unwanted pregnancy and is not reversible .

Everything you have said about your smear test results is worrying. I wonder if that could be your prompt to looking into how you could start to overcome problems with being examined. Do you have a nice, female GP or could you ask locally for recommendations? Start there for a conversation about your reproductive health and your mental health linked to this if you possibly can?

My sister was so adamant for so long that she did not want kids that I was shocked when she changed her mind. She was never maternal and wanted a career. She has (and still is) the main bread winner in her family

I think telling women that you should feel broody or maternal is doing a real disservice. I never felt broody or maternal, but actually having children is something totally different.

I’d also say that feeling maternal or broody is no indication of how you’d adapt to motherhood. Have known a few that were very, very broody and ended up regretting it ...

Having read your reasons, I'm not sure you should have a child. You don't sound as if you're willing/able to make much available to a child. I think you'd need an attitude change and be doing to work through a lot of things and you don't sound as if you want to, which is fine providing you don't have a child.

if someone handed it to me on a plate then yes I'd take it.

I have to say, I hate your attitude.

You have to really want a child because a child deserves to be really wanted. Not because you have to be motivated to get through an adoption process. Likewise, 'not minding' to have a child is a pretty poor way to think about offering unconditional love. Like "Meh, I guess I'd take a freebie if it was delivered".

I sincerely hope you don't change your mind as this is just horrible.

OP the decision to be child free is really one that only you can make - it sounds to me like you have given it lots of thought but are still on the fence, so maybe waiting would be the best course of action. Being sterilized is a very drastic course of action.

Whilst we can chew over whether or not we want to have children our primal urge to reproduce is still there - it's genetically programmed into us. Of course we have a rational choice to make, but the two basic instincts of self preservation and survival of the species are present whether we like it or not.

@Jihhery you've deliberately missed the context of that post. It's not a simple case of "meh" for OP.

OP to me you sound like you probably do want DC but your past trauma is getting in the way.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT so don’t know if it has come up but I would have a look at post tubal ligation syndrome. Yet another situation where many women report disturbingly similar responses to a procedure and medical science ignores them. Personally I would not have a tubal ligation for this reason above everything else.

@Savingshoes this is precisely what I’m talking about - I’m sorry your friends have gone through this

Hi op

I’m 40, childfree and will be having a tubal ligation in a few weeks. It’s all booked. I CANNOT wait!

When I went to discuss it with the consultant, he we’ve through the procedure, the risks etc and then he simply asked me “When did you decide?”. “Decide I wanted the procedure?” I replied, “no, decide you didn’t want children” he clarified. And I said that honestly, it was never a decision I had to make. I simply have never wanted children, like I have never wanted to run away with the circus, of own a giraffe or do any number of things. I never had to do a pros and cons list, I just know that I don’t want children. I simply don’t have any desire to have them or the remotest interest in doing so. Of course, I’ve thought about the pros and cons but in a kind of abstract way, rather than it informing my decision, if that makes sense.
Anyway, when I told the consultant that, he was thrilled as he said it showed him that I was 100% certain this was what I wanted.
Your reaction to your pregnancy test and to the question about if a child magically appeared, shows me you are far from certain. So don’t undergo a procedure that’s considered irreversible, as you may end up with regrets.

My friend had a C section under general due to similar reasons you’ve mentioned.

Also having the coil fitted under general as well.

It could be worth talking through options with your GP.