To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister.

YABVU to try and compromise with something as precious as your daughter's self-esteem. And your poor husband, how do you think trying to make room for racists in your life makes him feel?

I am sure a lot of us wish our parents were different. Sadly we can't. Protecting our children is the best we can do - against such awful people is necessary..
Your beautiful babies have you and your dh. That is more than enough.
Sorry you are dealing with this.

YANBU, that is vile. I wouldn't want that horrible attitude anywhere near my family And I wouldn't blame your husband either!

She wouldn't be seeing either of them again if they were mine.

I'm appalled at your mother's behaviour!
Honestly in your shoes I would concentrate on my family of choice.

Break off all contact with your mum. Its sad that even now people can be so bigoted. Love your daughters they are the most beautiful children ever, because they are yours.

I'm so sorry, but I don't see how you can allow that to happen around your daughter, so the only option is not to see your mum.

YANBU. Cut her out and don't look back. That level of unkindness and spite will eat away at you all and cause so much harm. Either she's Grandparent to both or to neither.

It sounds very difficult, but your loyalty here has to be with your DD. You need to be her biggest fan, to fill her with self-love and self-esteem, the one who teaches her to love her skin, to love who she is, to feel powerful and strong. To do that, you need to protect her from your Mother because the damage your Mother will do could last a lifetime.

Her comments and behaviour are disgusting. Go no contact for your poor daughters sake. I cant believe an adult would bully their own grandchild

You know the answer, yes cut her out.

Under no circumstances can you allow your mother or your sister for that matter to have any continued involvement in your children's lives. This if allowed to continue will cause immense amounts of problems for your daughter's emotional and mental well-being.

I can't add any more to the excellent advice above, except to say that I wish you the strength to do what you have to do.

I wouldn't let her see either child and go completely no contact with them.

What a vile creature you're mother is and your sister too. Go no contact and protect your DDs and husband.

This is awful OP. . Does your youngest know sh feels like this about her own granddaughter. Keep her well away from both as it sends the most terrible message.

Why the angst? You can either choose your mother, or you can choose your children and husband? Easy!

I would divorce you too if you allowed your mother to make one of the children feel less worthy than the other. As sad as it is with her being your mum, your dh and daughters are more important. She might change her ways, she might not. The greather importance is that your dh and kids feel valued and loved by you.

I'm very sorry you're in this position, but you need to protect your children and your family.

That sort of behaviour is toxic, and abusive, as well as racist.

If your Mother is 'destroyed' by not having contact with your eldest - well, she has destroyed herself. Her actions, her consequences.

Sorry op but your mother and sister are, see you next Tuesdays

Youre completely right to protect your daughter.

I'm mixed but with black and Asian. In the Asian community me and my sister being lightskin were "okay" but our cousins who were dark got treated like they shouldn't be there. It was horrible to see.

I would cut them off they sound vile.

I have a mixed race son and I wouldn't allow anyone in my family to make him feel like there's something wrong with him.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Have they always been so racist?

She doesnt deserve to see your beautiful children.
You need to set the bar and show your children that you will stand up for them.
Tell these racists if they make one more remark like this they will never see the children or you again.
I know it's upsetting but your children are more important and your Mum should know this.

OMG your mother is cruel - very very cruel.

YANBU - keep her away from your beautiful girl.

As someone who has dealt with racism against my own child, please cut them off completely. Your husband is in the right if he left you over this. Do the right thing and stick by your children.

There is just no way that both children wouldn't be negatively impacted by continued contact with your mother and sister. To be exposed to that overt, aggressive, hostile racism, by their grandmother and aunty - as children, whether it's witnessing the hostility and contempt and poor treatment of your sister, or experiencing the hostility, contempt, and poor treatment, while your sister is treated differently because her skin is slightly lighter.

Your mother may be old - that's not an ambulance pass for being abusive towards your family and your children, and you not protecting them from it. Old doesn't equal immune.