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Original poster

To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

244 replies

Nederlands · 03/08/2020 18:48

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

  • She looks adopted
  • You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
  • Get her out of the sun she will be darker
  • Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 03/08/2020 21:02

I would not let her see any of the children. Totally toxic and vile as is your sister.

ajs88 · 03/08/2020 21:03

You must protect your children OP and not let your daughter ingest their racism

I was going to say no to the thread title as my grandmother was racist and my mother used it to teach me that not everyone says nice or the right things, and later what racism, fascism etc. is (she was every 'ism' you can imagine). And then when I was 12 I made my own choices that I didn't want to see her (for other reasons as well, she was not a nice woman) and my Mum respected that and didn't let me be bullied into seeing her

But this is different as it is your child that she is being racist about

Lollypop4 · 03/08/2020 21:04

I would never speak to my mother or sister again, after they had said these things the 1st time!!

I don't understand why you would either tbh.
Cut them out your life completely

Original poster
Nederlands · 03/08/2020 21:04

Thank you everyone. I feel so much better and less guilty and seeing my husband playing with my daughter right now. I feel happy.

My mother is 70.

I am sorry for those who I annoy. The comment when she was 2 were just : Oh she's so dark hahaha with smiles , I didn't know she was talking to her behind my back. The comments started getting nastier this year.

OP posts:
Londonmamabychance · 03/08/2020 21:05

Absolutely call your mum out on her awful racism, perhaps send her some educational material about what racism is - not that she sounds like there’s any hope for her, but still, always worth a shot - and then cut contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2020 21:06

How can you even want to see these people who have insulted your child? Who would happily never see her again whilst lavishing love and attention on her sister?

Your first loyalty is to your children, both of them. And letting DD1 see her grandmother whilst DD2 is not allowed to will damage both of them and their relationship with each other.

Your feelings or 'need' for your mother must come after your children's wellbeing. And if I were your husband I'd divorce you too if you put your mother before your own children.

DianasLasso · 03/08/2020 21:07

That text is terrible! There is no way back from that I'm afraid. Stick with your DH and DDs. Your mum and sister have forced you to take sides- and that's on them, not you - and your DH and DDs have to be the side you choose.

How do I get rid of this desire to still have my mother by my side ?

As a PP put it, think about it more in terms of the fact that your DDs need you to be by their sides, and equally importantly, on their side. You have a desire (understandably, she's your mum) but they have the same desire and also a need, because they're children. You have to put them first.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2020 21:09

Old age is no excuse for racism or racist behaviour.

People regardless of age know when they're behaving out of order...it's just that being racist was legal and acceptable ...but the perpetrators still knew it was wrong.

Please protect your DD before she is damaged by your mother who clearly thinks being closer to white is better.

Your husband is right to not want your mum over....I wouldn't trust her and I wouldn't believe if she said she wouldn't say anything like that again.

81Byerley · 03/08/2020 21:09

Your husband is being a lot fairer than a lot of people would be, by only saying his children can't see your mother. He is absolutely right. You both need to protect your daughters from this blatant racism.

sociallydistained · 03/08/2020 21:11

Those comments are awful and are breaking my heart! Your daughters skin is gorgeous, how dare they!

netflixismysidehustle · 03/08/2020 21:11

Of course you need to keep your girls and husband away from that kind of vile racism. I'm surprised that you want anything to do with her tbh

ArnoJambonsBike · 03/08/2020 21:12

This reply has been deleted

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frumpety · 03/08/2020 21:12

DD2 has darker skin pigmentation than DD1, that's it , that is the only difference. They are both your children and they are both your Mother's grandchildren. Her deciding one deserves more love than the other because of something neither had any choice in, is beyond ridiculous, bordering on weird, and absolutely cruel.
Cruel Grandparents should never be encouraged or faciliatated . Ever !

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 03/08/2020 21:14

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister

Vile racist bitches the pair of them. I'd never see or speak to either of them ever again and I would tell EVERYONE why.

So sorry OP Thanks

Nursejackie1 · 03/08/2020 21:15

Eurgh. Sorry but you have no choice but to tell her to fuck off and cut her out of your lives. There’s enough shit in the world for you lovely child to deal with without hearing this sort of pathetic shit from her own Grandmother. Surround your kids with people that genuinely love them.

Mittens030869 · 03/08/2020 21:17

The OP isn't defending her mother, she's just devastated because she didn't realise that she was being racist before. She's realised it now and accepts it. It's understandable that she's upset about it. If she continues to refuse to accept it, you would be right to revile her on here. But that doesn't appear to be the case.

moresugarpls · 03/08/2020 21:18

You need to grow a backbone here, op. Your focus should be on protecting both your daughters and nothing else.

Your DH is not preventing you from seeing your mother, he just doesn’t want your daughters to be around the toxic cow. He’s being more than reasonable and I can see why he’d want a divorce if you didn’t agree.

You’re underestimating how damaging racist abuse is, and the lifelong effect it can have on a person. I’m with your husband all the way.

Giraffey1 · 03/08/2020 21:18

This is nothing to do with age. Plenty of older people are not racist.
Nor is it to do with illness. That’s just a poor excuse for inexcusable behaviour..

Your choice is clear and you must surely know which is the right thing to do? Put your children and your husband first, please! Go and see your mum without them if you must, but why would you want to spend time with someone who holds such abhorrent views? It’s a no brainier for me.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 03/08/2020 21:19

It’s not an age thing unless a miracle of science and was born in 1520. She and your sister are horrible racists and should never be allowed near your children again.

Original poster
Nederlands · 03/08/2020 21:24

Mittens030869

Thank you for your understanding. Of course I want to protect my child , when I got pregnant I got prepared for the fact that I'd have to raise black children in a white town. I never expected my mother and sister to be their first challenges though. I stopped talking to my mother and sister. They keep ringing me. My sister keepts texting my husband , sending him facebook messages , knocking on our door.

I do feel guilty sometimes because my mother is sick and despite the fact that I'd want a relationship with her , it will never be at the expenses of my children.

I guess I just needed someone to tell me " You're doing the right thing".

OP posts:
jayd03 · 03/08/2020 21:25

Both mother and sister are racist and now trying to minimalise the behaviour. Age is no excuse and how your DH managed to keep his composure during the text/call from your sister i'll never know. He is trying to be fair by saying you can visit without the girls but in all honesty I think he wants you to realise and love them enough to cut contact. you should be furious and disgusted on your children/dh's behalf. continuing to interact with them implies that its ok with you on some level. If the vile language as directed at you, would you still go visit?

As painful as it may be (wouldnt mean shit to me tbh) you need to pick your children and dh by going nc. Theres no excuse, your nuclear family may rightly resent you and leave if you dont make the right choice. Even if you visited alone, id make him right to divorce you for continuing contact. You chose a black man, you chose mixed children, you should be their biggest supporter. theres no room for ambiguity.

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/08/2020 21:25

If I were your husband I'd 100% divorce you if you did anything other than cut them off completely. You need to protect both girls.

Standrewsschool · 03/08/2020 21:25

My mum is80 and wouldn’t make racist remarks like that. She may inadvertently use no pc language - coloured instead of black, for instance, but wouldn’t differentiate between your dcs.

You sad you feel sad. That’s bound to happen.You’re disappointed in your dm (and DS), and grieving the future you want for your family. You’re also being emotionally manipulated by your DS.

Maybe keep in contact with dm, but at a distance, and if she continues to say derogatory comments about your dc, then warn her and then cut her off,

MsEllany · 03/08/2020 21:27

Mourn the loss of your sister and mother. It's fine to feel sad. But don't capitulate because you miss them.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 03/08/2020 21:27

@Nederlands

Cadent

This is the text ( I translated it I am not British) : Hey why is myname not picking up her phone ? I know she is mad that we keep making comments about Y skin colour. But it's not racist it is what it is. She looks like she has a black mother too. My mum want to see X , so keep Y at home if you want.

Then he called her after that. and she just told him lots of sh*t

That is what she sent to your husband?! WOW. He's been pretty fair if he called her and spoke to her civilly after that.

Also that message clearly states that you are upset/mad about the treatment of Y, so I hope he does know that you aren't condoning it, I can appreciate you are in a horrible position. But I think him not wanting them in his daughters' lives is totally fair. Your mum and sister are telling you, outright, they favour one child over the other, and it's down to their skin colour. It is utterly horrible.

It must be hard for you to cut these ties, if they haven't shown this side of themselves before. But you know what is fair and right for your daughters, and your husband does too.