To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

Who are the 2% saying you are being unreasonable? Closet racists themselves??

doadeer that's the weird part , she never shown any racism before. She had no problem with my husband. in 12 years of marriage I never heard her say anything bad , she even says he's handsome and kind.

But I know we have reach the point of no return when my youngest daughter said " I am dad's child because we are the same and X is yours because she has nice hair".

My mother babysat both of them , so obviously she had been talking to her...

I know what's need to be done. But I am still sad

Your daughter's self esteem is what is important here. Your mother and sister are unlikely to change their views, and your 2 year old needs to see her mother standing up for her and NOT accepting a rascist within the family. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it's time to say goodbye to your mother and sister and put it behind you.

I'm sorry if it caused marriage problems, but your husband should not have to sit and see his daughter abused by her grandmother

Oh my goodness, YANBU! You would be entirely right to remove your DDs from her life. She doesn't deserve them.

It's awful she should comment on her own hair that way. I bet she is beautiful. If your mother has been talking to her about her appearance, you know you need to cut her off. It's a simple question of right and wrong and how she is behaving is totally unacceptable.

OMFG. How the hell can she think it's okay to favourite one over the other! That would not be okay for any reason.

I can't believe your sister backed her up! If she did that again, ask her how she would feel if your grandparents had preferred you over her.

Yanbu. Enjoy your family.

If you let her seen either or both of them and she makes comments like that it will be damaging to both of them. Be very clear to her and your sister, that as long as she treats them differently because of their skin tone she will have absolutely nothing to do either of them. Tell them you might be willing to reconsider when and if she makes a sincere apology, until then you won’t be engaging with them again.

Well she wouldn't be seeing my youngest OR my oldest. Being old is not an excuse. If you continue to let your oldest see her, it will have a detrimental effect on your youngest in the long run. Protect both your children and protect your marriage.

Yes you have to protect your daughter, both daughters actually. Not even because she is racist (which is awful) , but specifically because she will harm your daughters with it, which is personal, immediate & urgent.

Oh boy howdy. What the hell has she been filling those poor children's heads with?

You say that you've never noticed her exhibiting racist tendencies before - I'm just wondering whether your husband might have seen and experienced things a bit differently?

YANBU wtf

Go no contact with her and possibly your sister.
When people ask explain that it's because they are racist. Block them.

You don't need that sort of toxicity and more to the point neither do your daughters.

For your youngest to already feel second rate compared to your eldest based on her skin and hair is already heartbreaking.

How would you comprise op? Let her see the "nice white one"? Let her pretend her"black" granddaughter doesn't exist? Baby doesn't live me because I'm back like Daddy. Nanny only loves me because I'm light kind Mommy. The shit isn't good for either kid. I'm on your husband's side

YANBU, no way would I have anything more to do with her. She's had endless chances.
She'll have to pay the consequences of her actions.
I'm sorry that it's come to this OP, but you can't trust her.

You said you know what needs to be done. It's human to feel sad that protecting your daughters makes this necessary.

That is absolutely vile. You cannot have this woman around either of your children, it will do untold damage.

Yadnbu. Your poor DD.

YANBU!!!!! what a disgustingly vile attitude to have about anyone let alone your own grandchild! Your mothers comments will destroy your daughters self worth! She is already clearly finding (imagined) faults in herself by that hair comment and that is just so, so sad. It is already affecting them, you cannot allow this toxic person to hurt your children anymore than she already has. I'm not surprised that your husband is threatening divorce, I'm sorry but you are their mother and you must protect your children.

What I don't understand is why on earth your mother and sister make comments such as 'I can't believe she's related to us' when they obviously knew your husband was black. What did they think was going to happen when you had children? And 'you didn't get lucky the 2nd time?!' That is so disgusting! If course you got lucky you got two beautiful daughters to love, perhaps you weren't so lucky to have been born to such a nasty racist woman though!

The fact that she blatantly favours one child over the other would be enough for me to deny her contact with them, even apart from the racism and the implied contempt for your husband.

I have totally cut my father out of my children’s lives. One of the reasons was because he is a racist. And my kids are white! Your mother and sister are bad people, and unsuitable to be around your precious children. Your husband knows the devastation they will cause to your children if you allow contact, which is why he’s prepared to go to such lengths to stop this from happening. He is a decent, principled man who is putting his children first. I’m so sorry you’ve got been put in this horrible position. Get rid of the poison and be happy with your husband and babies. Best of luck.

It is sad.

But you can't let her do this to your children. Or your dh. Or you.

Off she fucks.

I’d have nothing more to do with them if they said anything like that about my child.

YANBU.

There is a distinct difference between cultural lack of understanding/awareness, and outright racism which is what your mother falls into imo based on your post.

My step mother is Chinese and they have a very odd relationship with dark skin, dark skin is ugly, she doesn't go out in the sun in case she goes 'blacker' and i just made sure to try and help educate when she is around our children about those comments coming off racist - my children aren't black but still don't want them repeating or even believing black=bad as culturally its fine in China to say that, but not in the UK etc.

People are very quick on here to say "go no contact" with family but honestly OP, you wouldn't be protecting your children if you continued to allow them to see that woman.

Unbelievably awful. Feel really sorry for you having to deal with that.

They wouldn't be seeing my children!

and if you cave, I hope your Dh goes for primary custody to get them away from them.