To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

I’m so sorry you have such a racist mother and sister. You have done the right thing to cut off from them in the past. They are not good people I’m afraid. Racists are absolutely vile and cannot be around children. Protect your children from this at all costs. Your children and your marriage are far more important than these people and quite frankly I would want them out of my life as quickly as possible. You will feel much happier and calmer when they are gone and once you have removed them from Facebook / blocked their numbers / got yourself a new number. Good luck and don’t look back. I hope one day they get a wake up all and completely change - for your sake!

If you continue to let her be a part of your life , you will lose your dh and maybe a long the way your dd too.

Always choose your kid over your mum.ecpecially when she is racist !! She sounds vile and your bond is broken. Let go of what you had. And focus on what you have : a mum who hates your kid for having the 'wrong' skin color (in her eyes). If you allow her in your life you are saying its ok for her to be racist and therefore turning your back on your dd AND your dh.

Cut her loose. And chose your dh and dds over her and her delusional visions

OP

It sounds as if your mum used to put you down and manipulate you with comparisons to your sister and now you are grown up, she is repeating a cycle of division with your kids. She is a vile bigot, obviously, but I suspect she would also have a favourite even without race. She is clearly toxic as well as racist.

Your DH has been more than accommodating and actually his threat to divorce you to protect his kids is very reasonable. It is exactly what posters would advise a woman in his shoes - they would say "you have a DH problem".

Step back a bit. Other than honouring the feeling that you ought to please your mum (which is strongly ingrained - partly this is natural but also it sounds as if she has limited her affection to you for years in order to create a state where you are anxious and desperate to please her) which clearly weighs heavily on you, does maintaining a relationship with her or your sister actually bring anything positive? These people put you down! It sounds as if you are not allowed to be your own person and have been ground down by them, so you are struggling to follow through on your own needs and wants and those of your family. Personally, I think if you dump them (as it looks like you are about to do based on your last messages) you might be able to breathe and really discover more you.

As an aside, it sounds as if you have a gem of a husband - kind, attractive (according to your mum) protective of your kids. Own it - he chose you and has stuck with it this far because he feels you are worth it. Stop with this "I don't have a personality" stuff.

By all means, grieve for what you could have had with your mum and sister (which you were entitled to have btw, I am sorry you didn't get this), but don't let it hold you back in finding happiness.

Sadly, I don't think there's much advice people here can give you about things that will educate your mother. Typically, people like that are so set in their vile beliefs that they have answers for everything already. Perhaps Sandy will have some different advice, I'm not sure.

However, all I can say is that I think you should definitely involve your husband when writing the email. He's seen all of this develop and watched in horror. I can promise you that he will have things he'd like to teach her. And given how this situation has come to a head, I think it will do wonders to show him that you are not only fighting back and sticking up for him and your children, but also that you want his voice to be heard x

I would also recommend the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. You'll pick up a lot about toxic family relationships.

@JizzPigeon22

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister.

Absolutely!!! Say this OP and please toughen up.

The worst part of this that your mother and sister feel so comfortable and entitled to pick which child they have preferences over due to one child being darker and one been lighter. It’s really disgusting OP.

Is your Mother Romanian? I had a friend that spoke oddly... even though she has mixed race children herself.

@Serin Im only wondering because surely to God, no one would be that horrible

Have you met the human race? People are frequently horrible, including to their own families. Racism is rife. Throw a stick anywhere in the world and you can hit a bigot. This is not an amazingly unusual case - I have several friends in mixed race relationships who have had to cut out certain family members due to verbal abuse.

I'd cut them both off without a second thought. Next effort will be your sister claiming your mother is at death's door and must see her 'favourite' granddaughter before she dies. Even if someone is seriously ill or dying does not give them carte blanche to be racists. They don't suddenly stop being arseholes just because they are ill.

Just be aware for any sudden 'change of heart' in case your racist mother and apologist sister think that pretending to see the horrendous error of their ways will persuade you to let them see your daughters. Left alone with both girls they can then work on them like your mother did with her two girls.

And kudos to your husband who sees what they are like and won't allow his babies to suffer the fools.

Of course you're not being unreasonable, OP. Cut your mother and sister firmly out of your lives. This is one of the worst things I've ever read on Mumsnet. It's worrying that there are STILL disgraceful people like this in our so-called civilised society!

It's probably been said already but you are from a family who favour one over the other. Your sister has been favoured over you and they are repeating the pattern now with your girls. They will find anything to make your youngest feel 'less than', as they did with you.

Now is your time to protect your girls, and yourself too, from anymore of this horrible behaviour.

I'm glad you've blocked your sister. How dare she text that stuff to your DH. Who does she think she is?!!!

If this wasn't based on the colour of your youngest's skin, and your mother was just favouring one child over another you would get the same advice. You should not be part of causing division between your children by letting your badly behaved family in.

This should be where it ends. Be strong and give your time and love to those who give back to you in the same way. You won't miss anything by removing toxic people from your life.

You have made the right decision to block them. Unquestionably. No amount of explanation or reasoning is going to shift them. I hope the unanimity on this thread is helping you to deal with any cognitive dissonance you may have been suffering. It's awful when we realise a parent is awful. Especially when we are brought up to set such store by family loyalty. But now you can concentrate on those who most deserve your love and attention: your lovely daughters and your champion DH.

Omg! Absolutely. Anybody that said those things about my boy would have no teeth left. It’ll damage your children’s confidence

Candyflosscookie
I'm well aware that there are racists and bigots everywhere but I am genuinely shocked that that this woman and your friends families have risked losing their own grandchildren because of their appalling attitudes.

I have 3 mixed heritage DC, but only one looks mixed race. Hand on heart, no one in our community or family has shown the slightest favouritism to his siblings because they are whiter and I would think they had lost their minds if they did.

Just like she turned your sister against you

She will turn your first daughter into her behaviour if you don’t act quick..

She is trying to model to your first daughter how to shame her sister so she can feel great about herself.

Your eldest daughter will grow up to feel insecure when she sees her mother noticing anything good about her sister

Because he rocky self esteem is completely reliant on the fact her sister has nothing acknowledgeable.

It would be damaging for your daughter to turn into golden child

It will turn her into a toxic person.

Pls pls pls.. it doesn’t matter why your mum is doing this. So long as you aren’t able to assert those boundaries to protect ur kids from such unjust guidance.. please just step away and NEV
ER leave any of them unsupervised with her.

As a woman nc with her dps I can tell you being free of constant put downs and criticism is a great way to live... My dc are more than amazing without them around!
Gather up your dc, hug your dh and block and delete the rest...
You can do this.
And you must.

@clearedfortakeoff

Who are the 3% that are saying YABU??!!. That is so disheartening.

It could be people who have hit the YABU by accident, either when they misunderstood the question or when scrolling through their phone. Sometimes people click YABU, because they mean YABU to even have to ask the question. Sometimes they think it's a troll and hit YABU for trolling etc etc. So hopefully not all people who think this sort of toxic racism is in any way ok.