To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

@JizzPigeon22

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister.

This.

My child (now adult) is mixed race and I would not have tolerated this. Block them in SM and never see them again. Your mum can't be allowed to show preference to one of your children.

If you, your husband and both children were all black/white would you be happy for your mother to single one child out as a favourite?

Not sure what you need opinions on tbh, this seems very cut and dried to me.

Her age has nothing to do with the vile comments she is using. One of my favourite friends in the world is 90 years old and sometimes gets terminologies wrong, but that’s because of her age. Things like getting mixed up and using coloured instead of black, but she corrects herself when she remembers that it isn’t an acceptable description. What your mother is doing, is put and out racism and will damage both your children. Your youngest will feel ‘wrong’ because of her colour and your oldest will feel guilty. Your mother and sister are adults so are responsible for what they say, whereas your waines will suffer for it.

To be honest your sister is just as bad for telling your mum she's out of line.

I don't blame your husband one bit and he would be right to go even further in relation to your mum having contact with her.

As a black person who has experienced racism...I find this very disturbing and her attitude just shows how do many other people think black is bad.

The cheek of her saying she wouldn't care if she never saw your youngest .... I'm surprised this is anything like a dilemma for you.

Can't believe such vile out dated attitudes still exist in the 21st century.

And to say such awful things about your own grandchild!

Sadly you have to protect your youngest by keeping both your children away from your mother.

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister

This. With bells on. He’ll would freeze over before I allowed my child to be disrespected and racially abused like that and yes, it’s racial abuse.
Cut them out. They don’t deserve your beautiful children.

@JizzPigeon22

Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister.

Yep. Your daughters and your husband are your family.

I have 4 white children and 1 mixed race. Anybody who treated my youngest differently to the others because of her skin would never see any of them again!

I don't know where she came into this, I don't think it's in the OP. Age is irrelevant, I'm in my mid 60s and I knew racism was wrong when I was young, even my parents weren't racist.

You poor thing. I'm afraid there is no "choice" about this, your husband and both your daughters now come before your mother. You're going to have to stop seeing her or letting her see your children. I'm not quite sure where your sister is in all this.

That should say age not she.

It seems as though your mother and sister are horifically racist and it is appalling that they want to treat your DD2 differently. Clearly there is a big problem that may only be solved by cutting them off.

Have you tried telling them very directly that they are racist and that perhaps DD1 will not want to associate with people who don't like the colour of her sister's skin for example, or directly speak to them about stopping their racism right away? As in, one more racist comment and they aren't allowed to see the girls until next year. Or something like that?

I am slightly concerned about your husband's threat of divorce though. Why would he threaten you with divorce when you are not the person who is causing the problem? If threats are to be made (which isn't ideal anyway, surely you work together to solve the problem?), then surely the threat would be preventing your mother and sister from entering yours and your husband's home, for example. I just am uncomfortable with the threat of divorce for a crime that you didn't commit. Although you have the power to sort it out, cutting off your mum and sister who you grew up with is a pretty hardcore and upsetting thing to have to do. So he's saying either that or divorce.

How awful. Has she been racist in her younger days or is this a new thing?? Your sister says she is "old", how old?
Is there a possibility she could have dementia? It can come on much earlier than expected?
Im only wondering because surely to God, no one would be that horrible.

You have no choice but to cut your mother off. Your DDs need protecting from this vile racism. Turn your back on them, seek counselling if you think you need it, choose your husband and your little family. You will find other, better people to fill your life with.

Sterkte!

I am slightly concerned about your husband's threat of divorce though. Why would he threaten you with divorce when you are not the person who is causing the problem?
I'd guess it's because she would be failing to protect her children by not removing them from her mother's abuse.

My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

“And [eldest] will be destroyed if she has to witness your racism towards her and her sister. Have a nice life”

Op, you know what you have to do.
I feel so sorry for your dd’s to have such an awful grandmother.
It’s a no brainer, you have to go nc with your mother and sister. Horrible people.
If you don’t , your daughters ( yes , even the favoured grandchild) will hate you.

I am so sorry. That is horrible. I am Asian and my dh is white, my dc looks totally Asian. So can really relate. I was lucky my ILs loves the way my dc is.

SleepingStandingUp

By compromise I meant having her still see the girls , and make her promise she wouldn't say anything and only under our supervision.

kittenpeak

My sister makes everything worst , by reminding me that our mother is ill and that my first daughter is " what makes her happy". I guess I am looking for emotional support , because I do feel guilty at the end of the day...

‐ My husband saw fb comments , that's when he started getting annoyed. About a 2 months ago , I hid the truth from him. I know I am wrong , I deeply regret it. He forgave me for it , but since our girl told us about the hair thing , he refuses to have my mother around her.

YANBU at all. I know its sad but as an obviously mixed race child unfortunately she will face discrimination and racial abuse in her life, she needs unconditional love from her family to give her the self esteem and confidence to be able to deal with it.

mbosnz

My husband only told me recently that the comments from my family about how he could have been a basketball player , athlete were very annoying and racist in his opinion. Other than that , no.

Don't let her near your dc...she will destroy your dds self esteem

Why are you even asking on here?

It is obvious you should go non-contact with your Mum and your sister.

I'm sorry, your husband is right. Neither of your children should be exposed to this.

Your Mum is crook? That's very sad, but that doesn't give her a pass to emotionally abuse her granddaughters.

You have a duty of care to protect these children from harm. That includes emotional abuse. That is where your duty lies. Not to accommodate your racist mother and sister.

Your mother's 'word' is worth squat, because she doesn't see what she thinks and says as being at all wrong. Only under your supervision? So what happens when you go to the loo? Or to put the kettle on? You'd be amazed at the damage an adult can do to a vulnerable child in seconds.