To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

Given your latest update, I think no contact is your best bet. Your mother is clearly a very toxic person. You will all be better off without her in your lives. Van je familie moet je het maar hebben...

I called my mum this morning and told her we could meet but not with the children. Just her and I. And guess what ! She told me to get lost and would only want to see me if X is there. I don't feel sad anymore just angry. As immature as this sounds , I am her child , it should be enough.

I am so, so sorry, OP. This really is the end of the line, and she's chosen that herself. That must hurt a lot.

It's easy for others on this thread to see cutting the ties as obvious and a no-brainer. But this is your mum, and it's really not as easy as all that.
She's made the decision for you, which is good in one way. But for your mother to choose to make that decision not to see you, is really hard to come to terms with I'm sure.

Agree, that your mother is a toxic person.
As another poster suggested she is using your children to control YOU.
I get the impression that even if your kids were both white she would find some way to differentiate, she would still have a favourite.
She’s just a nasty individual and I would cut her off completely.
You would think that a ‘sick’ woman would be doing her utmost to ensure that her family were close to her. Horrible woman
Btw , you have a wonderful husband. I am not sure that I would have been as calm as he is .

Your mothers behaviour is exactly the kind of insidious racism black people have been subjected to for years.
I'm afraid if it were my mother, I'd be telling her that as she is so racist,she won't be seeing either of her grandchildren again.
On another point, I'd also be telling your dp that threatening to leave you because of your mother's behaviour is bullying and controlling. You need his support and he needs yours, you're in this together.

I am 😳at their comments about only wanting to see your eldest & keep your youngest away - completely irrespective of why?

Grandparent & Aunty saying that is beyond horrible.

What illness/prognosis does your mother have?

Wow, those texts to your husband are fucking unbelievable.
Let me get this straight:

your sister, who is a racist and thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to differentiate between two full siblings (not that I think it’s okay to behave differently no matter what the ties are, where kids are concerned) texted your husband, who is black, to tell him that YOU, her sister, are a bad person and he should be worried. Worried that you will be callous to him because you are demonstrating callous behaviour to your mother (who just happens to be a racist).

I mean, no wonder he handed you the phone.
Where to start unpicking that?

Your mother and sister sound knock on wood thick, OP.

May I also chime in with others to say that bigoted, racist views having nothing to do with age. They are to do with being small-minded.

You said earlier that you are not usually strong-minded OP. It’s my guess that she has always been able to control you (by the way was your sister the favourite first time round ? She’s done this before hasn’t she?) She is now amazed that she can’t continue to control you.
She has finally found where the line, the boundary, is where you are concerned and that’s your children.

I too think she would have done this for whatever reason she could find: boy/girl (I’m on the end of this), one’s prettier/cleverer/more extrovert/first born than the other.
They are stupid people and will find any way to justify their behaviour,

She could live another 30 years.

You have to win this one OP.

In your head just tell yourself it’s a trial separation. That will make it easier than thinking you’re never going to see her again. Then just allow the time to increase. It will get easier over time.

Your husband is rightly outraged. Put your daughter and him first. Your mother's age is irrelevant. Absolutely disgusting racism.

Shocking behaviour.

Alas my Dutch is so awful I can't post anything meaningful but still have a houseful if Nijntje 😍

I am glad you realise that you can no longer expose your DDs to your family.

Please seek therapy to help you overcome your conflicted emotions over it. It is shockingly racist and could permanently damage the sibling relationship between your DC.

wow so she doesnt even want to see you now-that says alot

your family is toxic and racist unfrtunately i have the same in my family (not my dc) but the grandfather is racist he does see them but makes comments behind their back

i dont know how anyone could do that to their own blood

OP I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. But I’m afraid your mother and your sister have shown their true spots. Those texts and sHocking and as for knocking on your door and leaving gifts for their ‘favoured’ child, I’m just aghast.

Of course it will hurt but you must see that distancing yourself from the toxic pair is the only way forward. Don’t allow them to control your life for a moment longer.

I am sorry that is has come to this. Although you won’t be able to protect your children from all racism they may experience in life, you can certainly protect them from racism within your family.

I would question though why you are prepared to see your family without your children. Will that not send a message to you children that whilst they are not good enough for your family, you condone it to the extent you will still see them? I have to say that in Your shoes I think I would have to cut off all contact.

I wouldn't want to see the mother and sister on my own either.

I am slightly concerned about your husband's threat of divorce though. Why would he threaten you with divorce when you are not the person who is causing the problem? If threats are to be made (which isn't ideal anyway, surely you work together to solve the problem?), then surely the threat would be preventing your mother and sister from entering yours and your husband's home, for example. I just am uncomfortable with the threat of divorce for a crime that you didn't commit. Although you have the power to sort it out, cutting off your mum and sister who you grew up with is a pretty hardcore and upsetting thing to have to do. So he's saying either that or divorce.

Considering the ages of the children, he’s likely had to watch their children be treated differently for 5 years as well as enduring comments about them and about him for even longer. That’s a long time to deal with racist rhetoric and to also have to see/hear it done towards your children is frustrating and heartbreaking. Add the current situation, he’s likely reached his breaking point. Sounds like he left OP to handle her family and it seems like this has been an ongoing situation for years and if she won’t do it now and cut her family out to protect their daughters, he’s going to do it and unfortunately include her if she doesn’t do more and cut them out.

I just want to start by saying you're absolutely doing the right thing by cutting them out of your lives. Don't feel bad about that, or anything.

In your shoes, I would feel that there's not much left to lose at this stage and so I would most certainly confront my mother and sister. I would say anything I wanted to say, anything I think they should hear, because either it doesn't matter because you're never going to talk to them again, or seeing you so angry and disgusted with them might actually make them pause and think (although, I doubt that).

I work better in writing, so I would probably write an email. I'd want to say things like 'your attitude makes me sick', 'What makes you think I want you to see my eldest child after what you've said', 'I don't want any of my children being influenced by you', 'if you can't come around to the fact that you have TWO beautiful grandchildren/nieces then good riddance to you both'.

Also, although it's a much more delicate area, I'm wondering if your eldest can tell her grandmother herself that she doesn't want contact with a woman who doesn't love her sister the way she should be loved. If not, then perhaps say to your mum yourself that your eldest isn't interested in seeing her after what's been said about her sister.

I understand that your mum feels she'd be lost without seeing your eldest, but if that were true she would do anything in her power to make sure she can always see her. Including re-evaluating her racist views.

I would divorce you too op. You cannot change the colour of anyone's skin, but your mum and sister cannot be allowed to have any presence at all in your dc, dp or your lives with that attitude.

Absolute no-brained, deal breaking approach from me - and make sure you tell them why you are going no contact with them.

I suspect you might find some support here:
www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php

She texts him about stuff like " if she can ignore her sick mother imagine what she can do to her own children .... Try to reason her please ... You deserve better ... They're my mum's only grandchildren "

How manipulative..is she trying to turn your DH against you by saying "You deserve better".

He gave me his phone and told me to block or reply to her what I wanted.
Did you reply? Or block?

When she knocks on the door she leaves postcards or presents for my eldest.

That works really piss me off. Tell them to stop or you'll seek legal action. Your DH needs to see you stand strong on this.

Do you think your mum and sister are open to learning and being educated on this?
In this current time of BLM there are some good programmes to watch which show how unconscious bias leads to racism. I could recommend a couple.

It must be very upsetting that your family behave this way.

Your mothers behaviour is exactly the kind of insidious racism black people have been subjected to for years.

Absolutely 💯%.

When people talk about systemic racism...this exactly what it is...the thinking that white and closer to white is better....it really saddens me.

I think the wider issue, although your mum and sister are responsible for their behaviour...is their thinking comes from the way this society portrays black as negative and white as superior.

SandyY2K

I blocked her. I am going to write an email , and would love to include some educational things. I'd love you to list me some please.

My sister has always been giving me a rough time. I remember when my husband and I first started to date, my mother would tell me that he's too handsome for me and was using me. It made me so insecure , and I really thought he was too good for me.

When we got married she kept saying how she thought I'd never find a boyfriend let alone get married. My sister would say I should be the one getting married I am older and slimmer. When I got my first child , again the comments about how they thought It'd be my sister. When I had my 2nd , same thing " how could you sister still be single and you're having another child".

But I am finally done.

You tell your mother both children are exactly the same in relation to her and if she can't treat them as such she has no contact with either child.

It sounds as if your relationship with your sister and your mum have been toxic for a very long time. Really, you deserve better. I hope you will be able to recover from losing them and then surround yourself with loved ones of your own choosing - you will end up with a better family than the one you were born in.

Sounds as if your mum favoured your sister over you and is now repeating the pattern with your children. You have done absolutely the right thing by blocking the pair of them.

They're a really toxic pair. Your mother is basically repeating the pattern of when you were growing up and your sister was the golden child. At least you're breaking free from that finally.