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Original poster

To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

244 replies

Nederlands · 03/08/2020 18:48

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

  • She looks adopted
  • You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
  • Get her out of the sun she will be darker
  • Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

OP posts:
RiftGibbon · 03/08/2020 20:42

I'm sorry you're having to deal with racism. Unfortunately the only answer is to stop your mother and sister seeing your children if they can't keep some manners in their heads. It's not a case of them wishing to favour one child over another - you're a family; you, your husband and your two daughters. If your mother and sister can't see that, then it's their loss.
I'm sorry that your mum is ill but that is irrelevant. Her attitude is horrible.

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:43

My mother is 82, and has never espoused such beliefs, and is pretty bloody disgusted with her peers that do.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/08/2020 20:44

You’re doing the right thing protecting your daughter. Your mum and sister sound horrific.

HowFastIsTooFast · 03/08/2020 20:45

I'm so sorry OP, but there is no compromise here. You need to tell your Mum in no uncertain terms that her attitude is not acceptable and she is no longer part of your Daughters' family, as hard as that is for you, they can't be around those kind of views from a member of their own family.

It's 2020, she can't possibly not realise what she is saying is abhorrent and unforgivable.

Sending you a big hug Thanks

DrDavidBanner · 03/08/2020 20:47

How do I get rid of this desire to still have my mother by my side ?

Your daughter deserves to have you by her side.

I'm mixed race and dark skinned, my father and his family were not a part of my life. without my mother's unconditional love and the unrelenting support of my wider family but in particular my amazing nan the abuse and bullying I got as a child would have broken me. Your husband is being so hardline because he knows the damage that your family will cause to your girl.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/08/2020 20:47

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You’re doing the right thing protecting your daughter. Your mum and sister sound horrific.
Sorry daughters Neither should be exposed to this. The fairer one shouldn’t be ashamed of her dad, sister or her own darker features.
JingsMahBucket · 03/08/2020 20:47

@Nederlands

UmmH

My sister texted him too about not seeing our youngest but only seeing the oldest. " Myname doesn't want our old sick mother to see the light of our life". He was intrigued and they talked on the phone. She went into details about the skin colour issue.

And now either I stop seeing them or he leaves me. He says I can continue to see them ,but not our girls.

@Nederlands If he's still okay with you personally seeing your racist mother and sister then I think that makes your choice actually easier. Keep the kids away from them but still keeping to visit them alone if you want to keep contact. The other three people in your family don't get to be subjected to the racist vitriol though.

That said, I have a feeling a time will come where you wouldn't want to hear their racist BS either because if there's one thing racists can't seem to do is keep their fucking mouths shut. It'll eventually seep into your teatime visits with them, etc. Needling at you about how your children, husband, the food you eat or feed them, etc.

Also, guessing by your username, I'm assuming you're Dutch or Belgian? If so, it's doubly layered with the whole Sinterklaas racism that's finally starting to have a reckoning.

Kaiserin · 03/08/2020 20:48

I'm very sorry for you OP, you deserve a better family. The good news is, you have grown your own (better family). The sad news is that, yes, you will probably have to cut contact with your mother and sister. But them being horrible people is not your fault.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 03/08/2020 20:49

This is horrendous OP. I wouldn't let either of your children anywhere near your Mother or Sister. They are truly awful people.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/08/2020 20:49

Op, you are beginning to annoy me.
I don’t care how close you are to your mother, she is a nasty racist who has shown that she doesn’t care about your feelings or that of her grandchildren. What is there to think about?
If you feel that you need to have some type of relationship with her, then visit her by yourself.
However, if I was in your dds position, I would never forgive you for keeping in touch with someone who was racist against her.

Defenbaker · 03/08/2020 20:49

You say these comments have been said since your youngest was 2 years old - so this has been going for 3 years. That's a long time - plenty long enough for your mother and sister to improve their behaviour and learn to accept your daughter. You gave them more than enough second chances, but they blew it. YANBU to cut contact with them, they made their bed and now they can lie in it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/08/2020 20:50

@Nederlands

UmmH

My sister texted him too about not seeing our youngest but only seeing the oldest. " Myname doesn't want our old sick mother to see the light of our life". He was intrigued and they talked on the phone. She went into details about the skin colour issue.

And now either I stop seeing them or he leaves me. He says I can continue to see them ,but not our girls.

I think he’s being very fair here. He knows the damage that these views can have on their self esteem and ultimately their whole life path. He’s making a stand against that but not demanding you stop seeing your mother yourself. I think he’s being more than fair actually.
Chickenwing · 03/08/2020 20:50

You should be furious at them chosing a favourite over skin colour!!! You should be ANGRY!! How can you want to see your mother after that? Id be threating divorce in your husbands shoes too. Its direspectful to him and the girls. Cut these awful toxic people out, it might teach them a lesson. Put your girls first!

annabel85 · 03/08/2020 20:50

@SchadenfreudePersonified

It's vile but your mum comes from another time and place

I'm 67 - possibly as ld as, or older, than OP's mother.

I have never held these views, and my parents (who had plenty of faults and prejudices) never held them either!

I was brought up to believe that there are good and bad in all races, clouds and creeds, and that the colour of someone's skin doesn't make them a better or worse person than does the colour of their hair or eyes.

Well you're a fair bit younger from what the OP has posted. You would have been in school during the civil rights movement etc.

Britain was a very different place socially before the 60s.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2020 20:51

You have a few options.
1- you keep seeing your mother and your sister knowing that they have these opinions of your children but you cannot let them see your children again. This opinion keeps them in your life and your husband doesn't object to this, However this option will leave you open to extending to option 2 over time because you will think that your mother and sister are nice and they can't be this nasty.

2- you keep seeing your mother and sister and bring your children along too - your husband rightly objects to this and has said that he will divorce you if you choose this

3 - you stop seeing your mother and sister, explain to them in simple terms that they are being deeply offensive to you and your children and in order to keep your family together, you will no longer put yourself in the situation where they can cause damage. They are causing damage whether you realise it or not at the moment. In order to keep your children safe (and your marriage together) this is the only viable option available to you.

Chickenwing · 03/08/2020 20:51

You should be furious at them chosing a favourite over skin colour!!! You should be ANGRY!! How can you want to see your mother after that? Id be threating divorce in your husbands shoes too. Its direspectful to him and the girls. Cut these awful toxic people out, it might teach them a lesson. Put your girls first!

Cadent · 03/08/2020 20:51

It’s not clear whether you know that it’s not right for your mum or sister to see either of your children OP?

doadeer · 03/08/2020 20:52

OP this is ridiculous it should be a no brainwe. Put your daughters first. It's not healthy for them to be around these people. You need to stand up for them.

If you still want to see your mum fine. But don't subject your daughters to this. It's your job to make them feel safe and loved.

Redwinestillfine · 03/08/2020 20:53

You have to protect your kids. Either pull your mum up every time it happens in front of the kids and explain to them why racism is wrong or cut contact. I wouldn't see her if she won't change though. No halfway house. She accepts all of you or none at all.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 03/08/2020 20:54

And OP you must remember that one day your daughters will be adults. And as adults we look back at our parents and how they raised us, what they did and didn't do to protect us and nurture us and we judge. Your posts don't fill me with much hope that you're actually going to do anything about this and my heart aches for your daughters. I recognise it must be incredibly painful to deal with because it's your mother and sister. But your children must come first.

GameofChess · 03/08/2020 20:55

Your DH is hurting OP, and had to let you see how dangerous this racism is. He is actually being a loving, responsible parent.
It would be great for you to have your mother’s love, support and help bringing up your children. But we’re not all lucky enough to have that. It’s incredibly sad when it dawns on you, I know. But you have to let her go. It’s just too awful for you as a family, and particularly for your children’s future.

You will come to terms with it eventually and realise that you did the right thing.
I wouldn’t continue to see her. What would be the point? She is not prepared to accept she is wrong - that’s not a loving grandparent. As they get older, your children would begin to wonder why mummy can see granny but they can’t. And I bet both her and your sister would continue to gaslight you into thinking that it’s all your fault. (By making g you feel guilty about her age, ill-health, etc)

BereftOfInk · 03/08/2020 20:56

Screenshot that text.

Give yourself some time to answer. You could point out that it would destroy your DC's lives to see one sister favoured over the other simply because of skin colour. Something about how their actions have destroyed your relationship with them etc.

If you're living abroad and have most of your contact with wider family through Facebook, then you should maybe consider making a post for family to see (after you have answered your mother and sister. Along the lines of: continued comments about DD, attach screenshots, you have taken the difficult decision to cut contact with them for now and ask for them to give you time to process this situation and basically not to give you any hassle you over it.

Reenskar · 03/08/2020 20:58

OP your post made me feel ill and brought tears to my eyes. This woman is not your family. Please protect your family and don’t contact her again.

pointythings · 03/08/2020 21:00

It really isn't an age thing. About a week ago, I had lunch with my godmother, who turns 80 this year and holds no such views. Nor did my parents. It's inexcusable. And OP's sister is if anything worse, saying 'it's not racist'. Yes, it is.

Mittens030869 · 03/08/2020 21:02

I know that it's painful for you to realise this, OP, but these people are racist. They're rejecting your younger DD on the basis of her skin colour. That's just completely wrong.