To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

How dare she differentiate between your DC because of their skin tone. Unbelievable.

areyoubeingserviced

My oldest , on the opposite side feels also insecure because she'd like to look more like her little sister/father.

How do I get rid of this desire to still have my mother by my side ?

What a horrible situation for you to be in OP. It feels like a no woman situation for you. However, your mother and sister and being unbelievably racist to your dd which she will pick up on even more the longer you maintain contact. This will escalate even more if you don't put a stop to it. It will be hard but the hardest thing would be watching your daughter not be treated the same and always wonder why.

I understand your DH's anger, but threatening to divorce you doesn't sound very helpful for his children. Does he say anything to your DM about it? Does he want you all to go no contact? If so, I hope he will support you in doing that and understand how painful it is for you.

Cut her out and never look back

She's not by your side.

She is hurting your children.

*Tell her to go fuck herself and have nothing more to do with the vile bitch. And your sister
*
^I do agree with this. But I can understand why it's hard for you. Because you didn't realise that they had those racist views.

But the treatment of your younger DD is horrible and it will also hurt your older DD, as you've seen. Because it's creating a wedge between them that shouldn't be there. Your DH is right.

It's vile but your mum comes from another time and place.

“Mum I’m sorry I love you and wanted you to bond with my kids and be happy, but I am limited with my priority towards my vulnerable daughter who you are verbally abusing mercilessly.

When you decide to reassure me that you will no longer put her down for her skin colour and overall respect my feelings and hers from now on.. let me know

Until then, I will not be letting my kids spend time with you including my eldest daughter as I don’t want her to adopt such opinions of her sister”.

Nederlands: How do I get rid of this desire to still have my mother by my side ?

You have let this shit go too far already. And you have this desire to make it worse!

I think perhaps, you need to get angry on your daughters' behalf, aware of the harm that being exposed to this could do to them, and get very protective.

You're the Mum now. You need to put your daughters welfare ahead of your very natural desire to have a relationship with your mother (and for your daughters to have), that is not able to happen, given her and yours sister's attitudes and behaviours.

I am slightly concerned about your husband's threat of divorce though. Why would he threaten you with divorce when you are not the person who is causing the problem?

I don't buy that on this occasion. Mumsnet is quick to tell its members that they have a 'DH problem' if their spouse permits horrible behaviour toward their chosen life partner. It's enabling the family of origin at the chosen family's expense.

This husband has resorted to an ultimatum, this much is true, but from his perspective he will view this as going to whatever extreme is necessary to protect his child from horrible, incredibly harmful behaviour. In his shoes I'd do exactly the same. It would be a dereliction of his duty as a parent had he done any less.

I'm from an all-caucasian family and wouldn't allow my DC to be around relatives spouting such ugly racism even though in this case it wouldn't be directed at them personally. I'd don't want them growing up to think this sort of thing was in any way normal or acceptable. OP, please choose your husband and children. The golden-child versus scapegoat dynamic is unhealthy enough even without the racial element, but blatant over racism emanating from their own grandparent could do irreversible harm.

Cut them out of your lives.

You are losing nothing, and gaining two beautiful, confident children (and who knows - more in the future!), and a husband who knows you value the family life you have together mt=ore than the spiteful snipes of two racists.

UmmH

My sister texted him too about not seeing our youngest but only seeing the oldest. " Myname doesn't want our old sick mother to see the light of our life". He was intrigued and they talked on the phone. She went into details about the skin colour issue.

And now either I stop seeing them or he leaves me. He says I can continue to see them ,but not our girls.

You have a beautiful family. Put them first.
It’s sad though.

Well, I think he's right. They're not safe people around your girls.

He's not saying you have to stop seeing them, he's doing what he can to protect his children, and asking you to do so as well.

OP, as a mixed race woman with a white mother, I want to emphasise very strongly that if you allow your mother and sister to continue, by seeing them and keeping them in your lives, you will do your daughters irreparable damage. Stand by your daughters and your husband and cut them out. I would never ever ever forgive my mother if she didn't do that, in your shoes.

Your DH is right. You need to protect your kids.

Your sister told your husband that her and your mum only want to see your ‘mixed’ looking child and not your ‘fully black’ looking child?

mbosnz

He doesn't mind me going to my mother , as long as I go alone.

@Nederlands

UmmH

My sister texted him too about not seeing our youngest but only seeing the oldest. " Myname doesn't want our old sick mother to see the light of our life". He was intrigued and they talked on the phone. She went into details about the skin colour issue.

And now either I stop seeing them or he leaves me. He says I can continue to see them ,but not our girls.

He's right.

He's putting his children's emotional wellbeing first, which, sadly in this case, you doing the same will cause you pain.

But you know he's right.

It's vile but your mum comes from another time and place

I'm 67 - possibly as ld as, or older, than OP's mother.

I have never held these views, and my parents (who had plenty of faults and prejudices) never held them either!

I was brought up to believe that there are good and bad in all races, clouds and creeds, and that the colour of someone's skin doesn't make them a better or worse person than does the colour of their hair or eyes.

I do think your DH is right, though I know it's hard for you, as I said. Their attitude is completely toxic.

OP, it is very hard not long for your mother and the relationship you had with her as a child. But you are both adults now and your mother is proving to be a toxic person who is rejecting your child and your husband because of the colour of their skin. Can you imagine how much this is hurting your husband, to have such a racist MIL, while waiting for you to tell her this is unacceptable and stop making your family endure her? Your mother has proved to have feet of clay and regardless of your relationship with her as a child, she will destroy your life as an adult. She is not the woman you thought she was. Now that you are a mother, you must do what every parent should do and protect your children from those who would hurt them. Unfortunately, your mother and your sister can be counted amongst them. Grieve for the relationship you had but cut her out of your life for the sake of the people you love now.

Cadent

This is the text ( I translated it I am not British) : Hey why is myname not picking up her phone ? I know she is mad that we keep making comments about Y skin colour. But it's not racist it is what it is. She looks like she has a black mother too. My mum want to see X , so keep Y at home if you want.

Then he called her after that. and she just told him lots of sh*t