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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

260 replies

peekaboob · 02/08/2020 22:27

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

OP posts:
Jamestown · 02/08/2020 22:45

It sounds very difficult for you. I don't really have anything to say but send you my sympathy.

BuffaloMozzerella · 02/08/2020 22:55

Why on earth is your DP going along with all this? Why isn't he speaking to his parents and making sure you are all included.

It sounds like they haven't accepted you. It's weird that they don't want to even see their own granddaughter though. Do they tend to favour people?

I wouldn't be pushing them for contact. but I would certainly have a lot of questions for my DP. He is facilitating all this.

Original poster
peekaboob · 02/08/2020 22:59

@Jamestown thank you. It's just weird as nothing has happened that either me or DP are aware of. He agrees this is their problem and I've done nothing wrong. I even took DD round there 4 weeks into lockdown as DP said his mum was struggling with loneliness.
It's like they've erased us from their lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
peekaboob · 02/08/2020 23:03

@BuffaloMozzerella I agree he is enabling this. He's spent all day round there today and not one mention of DD or me. Asked him if I should ask them myself but he said he'd sort it. Told him I won't ask again.

OP posts:
jakeyboy1 · 02/08/2020 23:07

Is it because you don't live together? Are they old fashioned and just don't understand the relationship?

Not excusing them, they sound nasty.

Original poster
peekaboob · 02/08/2020 23:12

@jakeyboy1 I don't know but DP and his ex certainly don't live together and she's taken to lunch Grin. They were only together 2 years so it's not like there is a massive history.

OP posts:
BuffaloMozzerella · 02/08/2020 23:13

I can understand you feeling like just leaving it, but at some point in the future your DD is going to start asking questions and noticing that she is ignored.

I would be putting that to my DP about how exactly he is going to answer those questions and deal with the fallout of her hurt. Because it will hurt her. This is not fair on her and she needs to know he will stick up for her.

LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2020 23:15

I wouldn't be selling houses and joining finances with someone who clearly doesnt have your back or your dd's. Looks like his parents are taking his lead as he seems to spend so little time with her. It would be shape up formship out to me. Noone needs to be that left out of life. What's your dd going to think as she grows up? That she isnt important enough to spend time with?

BuffaloMozzerella · 02/08/2020 23:15

Also, one other thought. Why does he go over there alone? Why don't you all just turn up like a family generally does?

Waveysnail · 02/08/2020 23:17

Well it's not right but I'm not separated and my dh parents favour our eldest son and always have - will do anything for him, take him anywhere. Dont get me wrong they are great with you get siblings but eldest dgs has extra special place.

Do you think its because you dont live together? That they dont view it as proper relationship? Do they they not approve of him having a child with you?

Giespeace · 02/08/2020 23:17

Heartbroken for your poor DD. If your DP is going to go along with this cruelty then he needs to make damn sure to spend proper quality time with DD (not as a tag along when he has his DS) and shield her as far as possible from realising that her own family don’t give a shit about her.
He’s a spineless twat if he doesn’t get a grip on this though.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 02/08/2020 23:17

Am I correct that the two of you are putting your houses on the market to buy a larger property so you can move in together? If so I think it would be wise to delay this and keep your own place for the time being, until this is resolved properly.

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in and agree you need to see some tangible action from your partner on this

Honeyroar · 02/08/2020 23:19

He’s totally enabling them. Why, on his birthday, did he not insist his daughter and partner were at the meal as well?? What a pathetic man allowing his parents to treat you and your daughter this way. What’s the point?? You don’t live together. His family don’t include you.. Time to move on towards a decent relationship?

Original poster
peekaboob · 02/08/2020 23:20

@BuffaloMozzerella I've said exactly that, she'll notice one day.
When it comes to going there all together, his mum will text him to say that she has ordered lunch in for him and his DS from the local pub, to be served at 1.30.
I asked him to stop going every other weekend and did say to him I would like at least one day a month that DD gets to see her brother for more than 30 minutes as I think that siblings spending time together is just as important.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 02/08/2020 23:20

Iv also seen happen that they prob view ds as being from 'broken home' as well as touch of first grandchild syndrome. And totally overcompensate

Twigletfairy · 02/08/2020 23:21

I hate to suggest this, but could they be favouring the son because he is a boy?

As a child I lived this reality. No one was all that interested in me because I was a girl so I stayed quiet like good little girls are supposed to. My brother on the other hand was the golden child. My father and his side of the family were quite open about their disappointment that I was a girl

CausingChaos2 · 02/08/2020 23:23

He doesn’t have your back, or the bollocks to stand up for you and his DD. Think long and hard about going all in and moving into one place with him.

QueenoftheIceAge · 02/08/2020 23:23

Why doesn’t he take both his children when he goes there? Why does he take your ss out for the day without his daughter? He is treating his children very differently too.

katy1213 · 02/08/2020 23:24

I agree, they're probably not invested because your relationship seems casual by their standards.
But you'd need a degree in double-entry book-keeping to keep up with all the grudges and slights that you're harbouring. If his parents aren't bothered, that's sad but let it go. If his extended family aren't bothered about your other children - that's because they're nothing to do with them. Surely they do stuff with their own father's family?

headhurtstoomuch · 02/08/2020 23:24

How many children do you have? Could it be a financial reason? If you and your children went for lunch they'd have to pay for all of you rather than just their grandson and your DP.

LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2020 23:25

Then surely he needs to be texting back to say they need to order for you and dd too. And if not he wont be going so to cancel. But he won't as it suits him that way. Dont let your dd grow up thinking noone wants her.

LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2020 23:28

I could understand they don't want to pay for your other kids if they are older - i dont agree with it but I get it.
If dd is little then tell him he has to take her too - she can share their food. Why should she be left out!

DotForShort · 02/08/2020 23:29

It sounds as though your DP is the key to this problem. Has he somehow given his parents the impression that you have a casual relationship, rather than a serious, committed one? The fact that you don’t live together may add to this impression. But he could change the situation if he wanted to, by insisting that his parents include you and your DD in all relevant events. They should do that automatically, but if he is sending signals that you should be left out, it’s not surprising that his parents would follow his lead.

Boomclaps · 02/08/2020 23:29

Can he start taking DD at the very least.
Like they’re both his children. He can’t just leave one.

Original poster
peekaboob · 02/08/2020 23:30

@headhurtstoomuch we're not invited at all, even when other DC are at their dad's. On Father's Day I sat at home with DD whilst he was there - with his sister and her husband and kids (one of which is not biologically hers, the niece whose birthday it was).
I even said after the niece's birthday that I would have got a sitter for my other kids. I wouldn't expect them to be invited but I would me and DD.

OP posts:
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