To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

It's not about punishing him. It's about acting in the kids best interest. Your DD will ask surely one day why you wanted a romantic relationship with someone who made them feel like a second class citizen compared to his other child. Better one parent be complicit in that feeling than both of you.

Why do you want to move in with him sacrificing your current set up with your children, their stability, their familiar surroundings? I just can't understand that decision at all. The only person benefitting is him, it's all accommodating his wants and needs despite the fact his actions have done nothing to suggest this is sensible.

You aren't asking him to stop the hobby. You're asking him to step the fuck and parent. You don't have to problem solve it. He could cut down his house or reorganise his work. It's not necessarily DSS's hobby that has to go. Don't fix it for him. He's a big boy. Why not move him in for a trial at living together? All the excuses just don't fly. If he cared about his daughter he'd move heaven and earth to be with her. You are clearly his friend with benefits at this point. This isn't a partnership and definitely not a family.

You cannot change the in laws. They are who they are. They will continue to support DSS whether you have a relationship or not. It doesn't sound like they view you as a serious relationship, which you must admit is far from conventional.

Your DP does not appear to prioritise your relationship or mutual child, your problem is with him solely.

It’s not punishing him to tell him it’s over and fuck off. It’s rewarding yourself by ridding that from your life.

Take yourself and dd away for a few days, block him and think. And take the house off the market!!

@peekaboob

Both you and your DC, are worth so much more than this. What exactly is the point of him? He barely parents, any of his DC. Plays favourites (why the hell does he need to spend every Saturday doing a hobby with his DS)? And, he allows his family to completely ignore his other child and exclude them from family events.

I’d tell him it was over. I also wouldn’t worry, about him suddenly wanting to see her and take her over to the GP’s, he’s not bothering with that now.

Go away next week and really think about your situation. Speak to people in Rl.

for you. You are are worth so much more and he’s manipulated you into thinking, that the crumbs he throws are okay.

@Singalonggong we could trial it because of the dog, there's nowhere for him in my house. He's big.
I know I'm not asking him to stop the hobby but that's what would happen if he had to parent DD on a DS contact day. He would and eventually DD will realise it's her "fault".

I hear what everyone else is saying. It's just doing it though isn't it? We're pretty enmeshed as I look after some of his business so I'd have to hand that all back and lose income. I have spoken to RL friends. My best friend is livid on my behalf.

I'll look at taking DD away.

I meant we couldn't trial it (living at mine together)

Sorry, to answer your original question. Yes YABU to expect you and your DD to be treated the same as his ex and their child in these particular circumstances. It sounds like the grandparents have had to forge their own relationship with their Grandson and his mother. Trying to face this all over again with another child he's had with yet another woman he's not in a serious relationship with is probably a massive pain for them.

They already know he is flaky, they've been picking up the pieces for years probably.

You chose to bring a child into this situation, and you can't complain when not everyone is on board (I'm not talking about the GPs, I'm talking about her father)

@ConstanceSalinger he's been doing every other Sunday at his parents for the last 6 years at least bar a couple due to us being on holiday. They have DS during school holidays anyway. There's no need to be sweet to the ex to get contact. It's already facilitated.
What I don't get is in addition to normal contact the GPs are also having him extra to save her money on childcare and doing things with the ex/DS when I don't even get an invite. Ever! Not to the same event obviously but just in general. And I, prior to lockdown, facilitated contact for DD.

At this point do you even want to be invited? I wouldn't!

If they invite you and DD would they think your other DC would be coming too? Is that putting them off?

You'll never get to the bottom of what their problem is because their own son, your DP is causing you even more problems.

I sympathise but it's sounding a bit pathetic and a bit childish now.

They obviously don't like/care about you despite all your presents, visits and efforts to infiltrate the family.

Why, if you and 'DP' split would you not want your daughter going there to enjoy her family? Have you not considered you are the problem? If they don't like you they don't have to be involved with you - clearly your 'partner' doesn't want you there or you'd be invited for Sunday lunches!

Please read back all your posts and reconsider your options. You don't have a partner you have an occasional fuck buddy who is also your boss.

I'm sure you're a nice person - you deserve better. LTB. Please don't block your daughters relationship with her family because they won't include you. This is real life not primary school. You don't get to spoil things for her to prove a point. Grow up.

Well no, not now. Actually I'm not sure, think I'd go as curious.
No, with regard to other DC they go to their dads. There's been invited for ex/DS/DP as a group, but not me/DP/DD. I have said to DP I would not expect other DC to be invited. We have been round there twice as a group. In 2015 and on Boxing Day last year.

Listen, you are rightly blaming the GP’s but you’ve just made excuse upon excuse about his behaviour.

He has two children, so why the hell can’t he take his son to the hobby every other week, so that he can spend the other week with his Dd?

Why does he have to visit every Sunday, leaving you and your DD alone when your other DC are having contact?

This isn’t a relationship. He’s treating his own child appallingly and you are standing by and letting him.

I wouldn’t let him move in temporarily. You’d end up looking after his dog, doing all the chores etc and you still wouldn’t be invited.

Open your eyes and show your DC that you will no longer be a push over.

There isn't a way I could "punish" him for this. And I don't want him taking DD round there if we did split. They don't get to play nanny and grandad when they've treated me/us poorly, as he has/is too.

So you’re complaining that you want grandparents to view your DD equally as a grandchild, but if you break up, you want to prevent your DD seeing her grandparents ?

Am I getting that right?

Yeah you’ve lost me on that one. How very selfish, children are not pawns... if you split up he will be free to take them wherever he likes for visitation.

It seems you don’t really care about your DD’s relationship with her grandparents, as it’s clearly so conditional on the status of your relationship with their son. This is all about YOU feeling left out & sidelined, not about your DD.

Interesting how you disregard the first baby mama as “just a fling” but it seems when they split up, the mother did not try to alienate their son from his grandparents...

Maybe they just don’t like you? I wonder why!

Goodness me, I can't believe you're still making pathetic excuses for the lack of time your DP spends with his daughter. He has a lot of poo and hair to hoover up? Mowing the grass?

He is a pathetic excuse for a father who you are allowing and excusing getting away with the absolute bare minimum of parenting. Your daughter would have more quality time with him if you split up than she does now.

I don't understand how you can be with someone who quite clearly sees his own child as so low down on the list of priorities that he won't even stick up for her when she's being treated like shit by his own family.

But let’s be honest. Why should your DD’s grandparents want a relationship with you? You’re nothing to them, in fact you’re nothing to your DP. All you are is the mother to his child. I’m guessing she wasn’t planned?

So he was seeing this woman (you) and happened to get her pregnant, now he maintains the facade of a relationship so as to be seen as being involved with his daughter. Except he’s not.

And exactly how are you punishing him by dumping him? He already doesn’t see his DD, so what’s going to change? Hopefully he will in fact be better off if you end the friends with benefits situation (because it’s not a relationship) because he will then have to make the effort to see his child.

Your DP has got things just the way he likes them and does not plan to change this. I would no be moving in with him and definitely would not be getting married to him. Time to start planning to go it alone I think. He clearly doesn't want you involved with his family.

@AlternativePerspective think the OP has said the child was planned...

I would personally go round and have it out with them that your dd is their grandchild too. Alternatively I would start inviting myself along to all these things or at the very least tell your dp he is taking dd too. How is he going to explain to her once you live together his taking his ds to see them but not her?

think the OP has said the child was planned... Jesus. Who plans to have a baby with someone they aren’t even living with?

i can understand maybe not moving in together straightaway if you find out you’re pregnant, equally I can understand not living together if you both have children from previous relationships and don’t want to blend families in that way. But planning a baby when you aren’t living together is pure idiocy.

I wonder if the OP was the one more keen on having a baby so that she would feel a bigger part of this twat’s life and it’s blown up in her face?

@AlternativePerspective here it is!

er. And as for DD, yes she was planned as biologically that couldn't wait and was on our list of goals. It's a bit backwards I agree. I wanted to wait for moving in as my other kids have been through enough upheaval and their dad is not the best so want to give them stability for a while.

Not sure how introducing a 4th child in a new relationship is providing her existing litter of kids with “stability” but she does acknowledge it is indeed backwards.

Hi op I’ve read all the posts and I feel it’s not just GPs telling your DD she isn’t important. Your DP is also doing it? He prioritises his DS on weekend days and doesn’t seem to see DD until bedtime on any day of the week ever?! Is that right? I think the GPS are the least of your worries. Your poor DD. Please reconsider selling your house and uprooting your kids for this relationship as it seems doomed to me, from the outside looking in. I feel for DD so much, she doesn’t see her dad, brother or grandparents. She will notice this when she’s older. I feel you need to push this conversation or consider ending the relationship.

Hi op I’ve read all the posts and I feel it’s not just GPs telling your DD she isn’t important. Your DP is also doing it?

I really agree with this.

OP, I understand why he's doing 12 hour days at the moment because MOTs are on again, so there's a backlog.

...but the reason there's a backlog is because those MOTs weren't getting done over lockdown. So why was he still working 12 hour days and Saturdays when business was slow?

AlternativePerspective , I agree and I don't think his parents see the relationship as permanent, or anywhere near.

I often think people are very harsh on here, but really, this is not the relationship you think it is. It's very casual and I don't think that your DP's parents treat you like their son's partner because they don't see him treating you like his wife/partner.