To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

I think it's pretty awful TBH

The worst part is how your DP just keeps going along with it all. Dreadful.

Your DP needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you and his daughter. He’s the only one that can change things. He needs to show you that he actually cares.

Maybe DP’s parents are using the fact that you don’t live with DP to ignore you. They sound awful, but nothing you can do. DP has to do something.

this is truly appalling OP... keep your house and get shot of Him honestly

Your DP leaving his DD behind is really not acceptable.

Perhaps they don't want your other children feeling left out so are deliberately excluding your DD? What's his excuse when you suggest he takes her with?

Either your DP really is an extremely weak and pathetic man, or he is not that committed to your relationship or his relationship with your DD.

[quote peekaboob]@headhurtstoomuch we're not invited at all, even when other DC are at their dad's. On Father's Day I sat at home with DD whilst he was there - with his sister and her husband and kids (one of which is not biologically hers, the niece whose birthday it was).
I even said after the niece's birthday that I would have got a sitter for my other kids. I wouldn't expect them to be invited but I would me and DD. [/quote]
Well that's his choice. He is OK with you being a second class citizen.

Did I read this right? You've had a baby with a man who you call 'partner' and he sees her 20 mins a day and 2 hours every other Sunday?

WTAF are you still with him? He's not a partner, he's a runaway absent parent,

He's not paying child support is he!

Your problem is your DP enabling this to happen.

@MarthasGinYard I agree. And every time something happens I ask him to sort it out. I've told him it can't come from me, he has to show them he's on my side. Which it looks like he isn't at the moment.
I even referred to his parents as DS's grandparent tonight when he was leaving to go there. One of my kids asked where they were going so I said "oh DS is going to his nanny and grandads." Usually I would address them as nanny "name" and grandad "name".

If nothing changed after you've spoken to your partner again it would be enough for me to end things. Your practically already a single parent.

@Grobagsforever he does work 12 hour days 5/6 days a week so he can't give her more than that during the week. The Sunday that he doesn't have his DS he catches up on housework and laundry.
But yes, he pays me a set amount each month for DD. I insisted on that.

I feel so terribly sorry for you. You don't deserve to be treated like this or your children. What sort of relationship does your partner have with his step children? Why does he not spend weekends with his daughter? I think your partner is setting the tone for his parents by his casual approach. Change this before committing further to this man.

Will things change when you move in. Together ? As it seems you barely see each other do his parents maybe think you arent a couple as such ?
I mean personally when / if you all move in together i would think also your dc should be invited to family events if it falls on weekend you have them etc
My sil had a stepson and we always included him in invites if it was there weekend as he was half brother to our nephews etc . Especially if all children
But surely sun your dp has his ds you should be spending time together as well if your about to move in ?

Once DD is in bed we do spend time together, with my DC too and the kids will chew his ear off with their hobby's/interests chat or will play in the garden together. We go on holidays and on the one day of the month we're all together we do go out for the day.
I don't think anyone would view us as casual, despite not living together. Other than his parents it would seem

@Notfeelinggreattoday my side include his ds in everything, even buy him birthday, Easter and Christmas presents. We're all going away with my mum next year.

I think in your situation (not living together and multiple stepchildren) the simplest reason is likely that they don’t see your relationship as ‘serious’ and are purposefully not inviting your dd to avoid excluding your other kids. In this situation the simplest solution is for your DP to take his DD with him every time even if she isn’t included in the invite. He needs to have the balls to do this though.

You come across pasive aggressive which is doing you no favours. Sit down with your DP and explain clearly what the issue is.

Don't sell your house. He doesn't put your DD first and you don't seem to come second either.

@peekaboob could you suggest to dp he doesnt go to his parents one week and if they ask why say you are all spending time as a family but of course of your all invited then that will be fine ? Sounds like you have a nice family though and its just his family and unfortunately i have this with my dh family my dc have always come last in line and i tried for years , finally just accepted it ( not that i think its right ) and my ds really don't have time for them now they are older and i have to look at it as my dh mum and dad loss . Hope the situation improves for your dd and your other dc too , with your dp parents

@GrumpyHoonMain but why not invite me and DD when they're at their dad's? Every other weekend it's just me and DD on our own on the Saturday as DP works then on the Sunday they could invite DP, me and DD. At the moment they take ex and DS out and invite DP! It's happened a few times.

@IseeIsee I have sat down with him and said the issue. He agrees it's wrong. I can't see where I've been passive aggressive about it.

[quote peekaboob]@BuffaloMozzerella I've said exactly that, she'll notice one day.
When it comes to going there all together, his mum will text him to say that she has ordered lunch in for him and his DS from the local pub, to be served at 1.30.
I asked him to stop going every other weekend and did say to him I would like at least one day a month that DD gets to see her brother for more than 30 minutes as I think that siblings spending time together is just as important. [/quote]
She makes it plain that only himself and his ds will be fed so he obligingly tootles over there without you...
Their behaviour is crap, but his is worse. He's a grownup, he doesn't have to go along with it.
Don't even consider selling your home and throwing your lot in with this lily livered saddo.

and what is he doing about it besides agreeing with you ?

@Notfeelinggreattoday not a nice feeling is it. I do think it's their loss. DD is at an age where she is growing up so fast and they are missing it.

[quote peekaboob]@GrumpyHoonMain but why not invite me and DD when they're at their dad's? Every other weekend it's just me and DD on our own on the Saturday as DP works then on the Sunday they could invite DP, me and DD. At the moment they take ex and DS out and invite DP! It's happened a few times. [/quote]
Honestly I wouldn’t get into the ins and out of the reasons why you don’t get invitations. If I were you I would just expect your DP to be a man and insist his dd goes with him to see his family. I don’t wait for an invite from my family to bring my children to see them, I just do it. A few occasions of them being publically embarrassed by not making provisions for her will result in her being included in the future but your DP must make the effort.

Wow! Think we know who the fav grandchild and ex wife is. Not you or yours! So sorry OP that must be shit. YANBU