To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

Assuming you sell your houses and move in together, what difference will this make to the set-up?
Will he still work 12 hour days and eow works 6 day week?
He will still only see DD at bedtime.
He will still have a very low sex drive and yours will still be high.
Will he help with housework on a Sunday before sodding off to his parents with his son one weekend and to see his son there the next weekend?

What is the point of being with him? Seriously, what do you get out of it?

There's a big elephant in the room and that's to do with your self preservation of anxiety about commitment and you are both running circles around it as both seem to want the good part of it but not risk the potentially not so good.

You say you want to marry to protect yourself financially, so that means that you'd e better off financially married to him, which ultimately means it would have more to lose, but then you say you also want to protect your capital.

You enjoy the freedom that comes with not living together, but you want others to treat you like you are his partner when both are acting like boyfriend/girlfriend.

He seems to also enjoy his freedom and to give more to what is secure, his family and son than you who is not as committed and therefore your joint daughter.

You both want your cake and eat it, and that's why things are not moving forward. You've said that you were intending to move in with him and that's why you were selling but now are saying it's because you owe money to your dad and even then, you are not moving things are not letting visits.

I think you both need to be fully honest with each other about your future together because at the moment, you are more acting like exes who've remained friends with benefits than life partners.

What do you expect will change when you are living together?
He will still work those hours, do his hobby with DS, ok you will share a bed at night but I bet it will be you cleaning up after him and the dog and making the roast on Sunday but no guarantee he will be there to eat it with you.

I have read your thread from December when he threw a hissy fit about the holiday your mum is paying for, nothing has changed.

Why are you putting up with it, why don't you think you deserve more?

at the moment, you are more acting like exes who've remained friends with benefits than life partners

Totally agree. I don't understand why you'd plan a child in this situation. It seems so unfair.

Hey OP. I very rarely do AS but your previous posts have definitely made me change my mind on this one. If you get 5 minutes this week (with 4 kids I realise this is not easy!) Just take a look at your other posts.

If you were my mate I'd give you massive hug, help you tidy the kitchen, hire a van and move you to a different town myself.

Fgs, don't entangle your life with this man any more than you have to. Also take serious legal advice about custody arrangements and their access to your in laws.

Just take that time to evaluate your position so far and step far far away from this man. There are so many flags, you could sell them to communist China.

Sorry op after also looking back on your previous posts he sounds like even more of a selfish, useless part time 'partner'
He isnt supportive of you at all and is sucking the life out of you.
This is not an equal partnership at all, you give he takes.
Break up with him and take dd away.
You are far better off on your own, he has totally taken the piss out of you.

Yip. I’ve also looked back. What they said.

you’re in the FMH and if you cohabit it has to be sold?

@FruitLikeAPeach

at the moment, you are more acting like exes who've remained friends with benefits than life partners

Totally agree. I don't understand why you'd plan a child in this situation. It seems so unfair.

I agree. The more updates I read, the more I think that this is the kind of relationship you'd have if you had split up while you were pregnant.

Fine, if you want someone to basically date, but why plan a baby with them? You both already had children so why decide you absolutely had to biologically share one even if it meant doing it in a mad rush? Did you end up doing all the sleepless newborn nights as he doesn't live there?

All of this is tied in to your issues with his parents. They're taking a lead from him. There is this massive overcompensation for his DS coming from a "broken home" but your DD might as well do too for all she sees her dad.

I sort of read back over posts again and your talk of 'punishing' your partner and the fact you wouldn't want DD to see her own grandparents after the split is so terribly manipulative, using her as a pawn in a game almost. Your relationship isn't healthy and I think it seems clear it needs to end, so you can both focus on coparenting rather than your romantic relationship with each other. He's not stepping up now, so at least if you don't stay together your daughter won't one day ask why you continued to pursue a romantic relationship with a shit dad who rejected her all the time.

how are you OP 🌺