To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

The problem is your partner. Sorry. My dh would never, in a million years allow his parents to treat me that way.

Makes me wonder if he knows more than he lets on too (ie - that they don’t like you for some reason).

You say you’ve known him for 36 years - do they think you’re some kind of femme fatale that’s always wanted him and “stole” him away from his ex and son? Just a thought.

There could be all sorts of reasons why his parents are doing this. Don’t like you, prefer male children, don’t think yours is a proper relationship, they’re fucking barmy. Anything really, but your dp needs to have your back and it doesn’t seem like he does, that’s the problem.

It doesn't sound like you are very much like a family, tbh. 20 minutes a day? I'm finding it hard to imagine you as a family unit with a dad/partner who pops in for 20 mins a day so maybe they are, too. Perhaps they don't want to bond too much with your DD incase things change and they lose her? They sound a little desperate to foster a closeness with their DS and DGS tbh. At the expense of wider family relationships. But I do think they aren't seeing you and your DDs as part of their family- but then I find your setup quite unusual myself. I understand your hurt and frustration.

Agree. He needs to go much less and take Dd when he does. This can't continue. They need to be told to make an effort with their grandchild. Is it because she's a girl?

I’m really sorry but you and he don’t sound like a unit. Why can’t he move in with you when he doesn’t have his DS for eg?

You need to get this sorted before you sell up and move in together. I wouldn’t move in with anyone who treated me like such an option.

How many other DC do you have? Do they all have the same father? Maybe they just can't cope with all of you? Maybe they think this relationship is transient and they'll lose contact with DD so won't invest (like a self-preservation thing). Do your other DC see their GPs? Does your DP's DS's mum have any other DCs? Doesn't mean it's right, just trying to think about their reasoning.

I'm sorry everyone or no one. That includes your kids (unless there are 10 of them) at least 50% of the time. And the other 50% should be at your house. Sibling relationship is more important.

@Commentutappelles

I feel like I have read this very differently to everyone else. The father of your youngest child visits for about 10 hours a month and you are worried about the relationship with the man's parents? From what you have written, he's not your partner, he's the father of your child and not a very interested one at that.

Totally!

Worrying about the parents is a distraction.

Have you ever considered a more transparent co parenting relationship where he has set nights with your child and takes her to his house, perhaps along with his other son, and they can bond with their parent and each other

What you describe doesn't sound like a relationship. The downside of thinking it is, is that your daughter gets less time with her father than she would if you were more separated.

It's like an affair partner family, where the woman and child are hidden away and briefly visited when the man has time. I knew someone who lived like this. It really sounds similar.

[quote peekaboob]@Grobagsforever he does work 12 hour days 5/6 days a week so he can't give her more than that during the week. The Sunday that he doesn't have his DS he catches up on housework and laundry.
But yes, he pays me a set amount each month for DD. I insisted on that.[/quote]
@peekaboob WHAT?!?! He has a WHOLE DAY to do his housework and laundry rather than see HIS CHILD?

I cannot, cannot believe you find this acceptable, from someone who are supposed to be in a relationship with. What about night wakings? What about all the chores that come with having a child? What happens on Saturdays?

I'm so shocked I'm starting to doubt this is real.

Whilst I don’t condone his parents behaviour, it sounds like he is setting the example by the amount of time he spends with you and his daughter.

His parents probably perceive you as a woman he had a child with, who comes along with her own baggage, rather than as his life partner. As a previous poster has said, your problem isn’t his parents, it’s that he spends less time with his daughter than most divorced NRPs do with their children. Put simply this means that you and DD aren’t treated as a member of the family because as far as his parents are concerned, DP hasn’t made you members of his family.

Agree Grobags. He spends an appalling amount of time with your DD, never mind his parents.

Why doesn't he spend every weekend with you? Why does he spend his contact time with his DS at his parents' house not yours or at his with you? At the very least why doesn't he take your DD with him to his parents with his DS?

He's not committed to you or your DD. I'd suggest that with spending such little time with her neither he nor the grandparents actually have much of a bond with her and he doesn't see any need to change that.

I agree with posters saying the relationship is odd. If this was my son, I don't think I'd ditch a good relationship with a grandchild's mother to make space for someone who my DS had a baby with, but doesn't appear to be in a serious relationship with.

If I was you, I'd ditch him. He doesn't sound that committed. He's brought two children into the world and hasn't invested much in either. You can do better, OP.

You have a DP problem.

Firstly, his relationship with his daughter is like that of a friendly uncle rather than a father. 20 minutes a day and then a couple of hours at the weekend? Yet he manages to find hours of time for his son?

Secondly, his parents clearly couldn't give a fig about you or your daughter. And by refusing to confront them about their continued lack of invites, he's enabling their behaviour. Although TBF, it may be that their attitude is that if their own son can't be bothered to prioritise his own daughter, then it's not their business and they want to steer clear of the whole thing.

This man sounds flaky, and a pretty shit father TBH. Like hell would I sell my house for him.

I couldn't bring myself to be with someone so spineless and pathetic!

I would insist he take your dd on at least some of the visits to the grandparents. Is there any chance they suspect DD is not his? It may also be a case of them not wanting to get close to you and then the relationship end and they lose another DIL? As you don't live together they may be unsure of the seriousness of the relationship.

Ultimately, it is your DP who should commit to having DD on certain days when he also has his son and taking them both to see the grandparents. If it is on the days you are child free then enjoy some time to yourself. I suspect if he starts taking your DD regularly without you they will soon start inviting you too. Your DP needs to take the lead though and not allow his dd to be treated differently - or you.

I don't think I'd ditch a good relationship with a grandchild's mother to make space for someone who my DS had a baby with

It doesn't really matter to me that they still see his ex. It's more so that his parents invite ex and OPs DP out to lunches together along with the DS but never OP and their DD. That is strange to me. Almost like they think the DP and his ex are still together.

@peekaboob

This is an unhappy situation which you and your daughter have been placed in, both by your partner and his family. He should be standing up for you both, particularly since there have been discussions of selling your individual homes and moving in as a blended family.

Your DP already doesn't sound properly committed to your shared child - a fact which, as has been mentioned, she herself will become aware, confused and hurt about before too long. He needs to arrange his life (including his working life) better in order to be a proper father, rather than a visitor in her life. I'm glad you insisted on a set maintenance for her (did you check the CMS site) but why did you have to "insist"? It sounds like he himself is treating his daughter like an afterthought.

As well he needs to have serious discussions with his own birth family about their not considering you and your/his daughter in their plans. You are being treated like a girlfriend or enhanced FWB rather than a partner. But the main change needs to come from him.

As far as enmeshing yourself (and your other children) financially by selling your home and purchasing together. Maybe consider putting that on the back burner for now until you see a more positive behavioural change in him particularly and his family in general.

I hope things work out for you all OP. 🌹

They don't treat you as a family because you're not, you live separately and have done for SIX years, he visits for a few hours a month and pays you maintenance, why would they think you are his partner? They should be including DD. I'd be very wary of this man, one ex wife, a child from another casual relationship and keeping you and your mutual child at arm's length, he doesn't sound like a great father or partner. Also if you are in an actual relationship why on earth hadn't he said something to his parents, or invited them to one of your family days. Maybe they think you don't want to be around them?

Let’s be honest here, you’re not actually together. You’re a fling at best, who just happened to end up having his child.

I’m usually very defensive of posters when others say that not living together means that they’re not partners, but in this case it really is true.

I don’t think his parents are wrong for not inviting you to them you’re just someone he sees occasionally, hardly has the look of a serious relationship. As for your DD though, I suspect he is telling them a vastly different story than the one he’s telling you. E.g. that you won’t let him have dd/that he only gets to see her occasionally anyway. He doesn’t want you to confront them because he knows that if you do they’ll tell you the truth about what he’s actually been saying...

I would end the relationship and sort out a proper contact schedule for him and your DD. And then find someone who is actually DP material.

I think I agree with pp it's maybe because your DP's parents maybe old fashioned and don't see you are part of the family. They may treat your dp's ex wife differently to you because she is ex- wife . You are his girlfriend who doesn't even live together.

Agree his parents are taking their cues from your p example. He is treating it casually so they do not place same priority on your dd let alone your relationship. If he gets away with dropping in for 20 minutes and every other Sunday what is he doing the rest of the time? Seems he gets the benefits as and when he chooses. Is he financially contributing towards your dd. Assume she is still pretty young and maybe having an additional adult who they barely know with a toddler in tow is not their idea of fun at an older child's bday.

What a strange set-up. It doesn’t sound like a proper relationship at all. No wonder his parents don’t treat you like family....DP doesn’t even treat you like family.

Would it maybe a big difference if your split up? What does he actually bring to your life apart from disappointment and resentment?

Tbh he is also in the wrong-HE clearly favours his DS and ex over you and your DD-he spends only 20mins a day with her! This is no relationship and you have facilitated this. I would be seeing some serious ground rules. No oh what about when she notices crap. I’d he seriously unhappy to and would tell him that you either sort things out together or you’re done. And then you can sort the rest of the shitshow out. His parents take the lead from him. He spends his weekend either with his DS or “working“ currently-when do you have any time as a couple or as a family? You don’t, because you’re not...

Ignore the typos!