To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

He pays MAINTENANCE. if you were together he wouldn’t be doing that.

Do either of you claim tax credits or universal credit op?

You've got to think there loss. Don't tell them things. Treat them the same.
I don't hate my in laws. But they choose their daughters child over our two kids. Despite their daughter only being 13 weeks ahead of me. She has had the full relationship with her, sleepovers, childcare, tea at her house. My kids barely see them. Even down to the toys at mil house. She calls them Josie's toys. She doesn't class them as my kids toys.

I've learned to not care now. They are missing out. Yeah I feel my kids are too. But I hope they dont notice as kids. When they are older I will tell them about it but hopefully we will laugh about it.

My partner's niece is Innocent. But we were at her fifth birthday last year and she kept eviling my dd. She didn't want her there because it was her first class party I think.r then she shooved her in the back to get a party bag. My DD picked a pink balloon to take home. She started crying and because she was the birthday girl we had to let her have the balloon. Then she was saying my nanny is going to put my balloon in the kitchen so you can't have it..... It bothered me not because she was being abit of a madam that day but because my daughter had to be made to feel below her.

She's only ever had one sleepover there too and they invited the usual grandchild over too. They clashed abit. My DD started reacting by winding her up and my daughter got the blame for being the annoying one. Infact sil said my DD doesn't show emotions. My daughter cries when she is hurt and rarely when she's frustrated. But she's not a kid that cries over everything. She's thick skinned.

It happens in many families unfortunately. Just got to be by your DD side over the years and teach her to laugh at spoilt behaviour when she's older enough. It's unkind but it's no reflection on your DD. Some people even prefer a certain gender. Absolutely wrong. I'd say my mil favours her daughter over her son.

I wouldn’t be selling my home anytime soon.

So you have 4 other DC still living with you and perhaps others living elsewhere?
If your DC are of the ages where they can't be left alone, you would presumably be expecting them the be invited too to meals out?
I can see that changing the dynamic of a meal.
Grandparents, son and his partner, son's DS and DD - six people, so not too hard to get a table and the focus on their family. - doable.
Grandparents, son, his partner, her 4 children, your youngest DD and his DS becomes a table of 10 which is harder to organise for and half the table are unrelated to them and presumably, since you don't mention them, your other GP have no relationship with other DC? How do your other DC act towards your DP's parents when they do meet? how to they act towards your DS?
Maybe some reassurance that you will not suddenly start expecting them to cater for your other children might help?
What happens when you invite DP's parents round to yours?

Op do you think it's because you've seemingly got quite a lot of children? Maybe they are judging you? You seem to have an issue with it as you're avoiding saying how many kids you have. Anyway I don't think your DD's dad is your partner. Sorry for what you're experiencing, it's not very nice.

@TheFaerieQueene

I wouldn’t be selling my home anytime soon.

Yes to this @peekaboob. I know it’s probably not very nice reading some of these comments but if you take one thing from this thread let it be DO NOT SELL YOUR HOME

You’re considering risking yours and dcs security by buying a shared property with somebody who compartmentalises his life and prioritises himself. Moving in together can be hard enough when it’s just two adults getting used to each others habits and foibles. Add one shared child, your other dc and his other child into the mix and this is going to be tough going. It’s doable where people are fully committed and willing to work at it but he’s shown no signs of that.

I haven't avoided saying how many kids I have. There's DD and my 3. DP and his DS and me equal 7.

@julybaby32 The invite isn't there even without having my kids around. And more often than not it's take away roast from the local pub in their house so space isn't an issue.
And they're old enough to be left during the day. I'm going out with just DD today and they don't want to come. I would expect them to be catered for.

Have you posted about this before or is there another woman in the same situation?

Anyway your so-called partner is the problem but until you are willing to accept that nothing will change. Focussing on his family is a distraction, an excuse.

I didn’t realise DD was so small she’s still breast feeding. That probably makes a difference and could be a reason why they don’t take her too? Perhaps they will when she’s a little older?

You aren’t a family, OP. You’re a single mother with 4 kids, one of whom is with your casual partner.

The grandparents aren’t inviting you or including you because they don’t recognise you are their son’s partner.
That’s because he doesn’t behave as if you are.

What wendyhoused said x 100

He needs dumped. At least he will be forced to have a relationship with his dd then.
He is a shite df and worse dp..
Just because you have dc already doesn't make him a Prince for being with you.
I had dc when I met dh. We all spent loads and loads of family time together even before I had our dc.
He is taking the piss and you are allowing it.

I have two DC with my partner. He has an older DS by his previous marriage. My DC are completely ignored by DP’s entire family, while they lavish attention on DSS. Mine is a complicated situation, with a lot more going on than I can say here, but the upshot is I am pleased my DC and I are spared these ghastly, toxic people. I do feel sorry for my children, as they have so little family who they actually see. And I admit, it has left me full of resentment in some ways. But I feel it is the lesser of two evils for there simply to be zero contact. If a relationship between my DC and the family became established, how could I prevent the my DC from being horribly hurt, should the family then decide to drop them?

Lots of PP saying this is just a DP problem you’ve got. Well, it is a DP problem, but not exclusively. His family are arseholes too. It doesn’t matter if they don’t think you’re in a relationship, serious or otherwise. Even if they dislike you with good reason (I’m not suggesting this is the case) they are still choosing to ignore their GD. Some people are just dicks.

I’m glad the responses here have made you realise the situation is not normal, or acceptable. Don’t tolerate it. Wishing you the best of luck. If you end up getting rid of your partner and / or his family, remember your DD has three lovely siblings, and all your side of the family, who no doubt love and accept her, so she won’t be alone in the world.

Op why would you have a baby with him when you have no relationship with his son and it appears he sees your'e own dc as abit of nusicance, why should they be outta the way or not involved if youre a family. Its comes across that you're a casual partner who happened to get pregnant. This set up isn't normal.

Thank you for the reply, OP. I didn't even know take away roast dinners were a thing, so I have definitely learned something new. Also really slow at posting, so cross posted, for which apologies.

You have a massive DP problem here and I use the acronym lightly. He is essentially a boyfriend who pops in of an evening. You're doing all the parenting for a start. Was your DD planned? It doesn't sound like an ideal situation to bring a child into.

As for his parents, he's clearly showing you who is more important and it's not you or your DD. He sounds like a massive twat who is basically disrespecting the place you should have in his life. If he can't actually stand up to his parents, be grateful you're not married and sack him off.

OP, he sees your relationship as casual, and his parents are taking their lead from that. You say he's told you his DD isn't being mentioned when he visits his family, but that also means that he isn't bringing her into the conversations, so he isn't that bothered either.

I would just dump this bloke, simply not worth remaining with him while he takes you so casually.

Is it simply a case of his parents seeing you and your DP as separate households and therefore not inviting your household at the moment due to lockdown rules?

Is he paying you maintenance AND wages?

I can relate to your situation. When you have your own children and back stories, it’s not as easy as all moving in and playing happy blended families.
I’m sure the Ops kids like their house and her partners child likes his. You are both used to running your own lives independently and that has many pros as well as cons. Which I think this is. It’s the flip side to you both having freedom.

I can’t see the in laws changing without you two changing first.I really wouldn’t move in together unless you were married and protected in law.

I missed that he was paying CS.

OP this guy is taking the piss, I take it your still sleeping with him?

Thanks again, it's comforting to know there are people in similar situations (@Orphlids) and that,yes, it's not as simple as just moving in together. And as for DD, yes she was planned as biologically that couldn't wait and was on our list of goals. It's a bit backwards I agree. I wanted to wait for moving in as my other kids have been through enough upheaval and their dad is not the best so want to give them stability for a while.

@MrsTerryPratchett He gives me a set amount for DD and I invoice his business from my business for the work I do. It's kept very separate as I didn't want him using my paid work as money for DD.

@Londonmummy66 no, as they invited DPs sister round as well as DPs ex at various times.

I've already told him that before we move in together we are getting married, can have a party later on. I had a horrendous time with my divorce and have worked very hard to keep my house and provide for the kids. I've told him I'm not fighting for what is mine again and my solicitor is going to draw up a cohabitation agreement when we are ready. If it did go belly up I need to know I'll get my investment back.

@Ohfredcomeon not as much as I'd like to be sadly. I schedule it in. His drive is super super low and mine is high. It's just another point to add to his redeeming qualities

Can I ask, kindly, what you get out of this relationship? Genuine question.