To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

I'm going to guess that as they didn't like the last woman your dp was with, and they clearly don't like you, they just don't like any woman who is with their son and won't associate with her at all until their son is no longer with her.

Some families are just weird like that. I wouldn't be interested in knowing them, people like that just aren't worth the time and effort. If they ever become interested, just tell them that as they had no grand daughter for x number of years, they still don't.

I find the whole set up really odd sorry. I don't live with my partner because my house is too small but I certainly wouldn't have a baby in a situation like that, where I was only seeing him so infrequently. I find it odd that you are happy accepting such crumbs of his life for you and your child.

I don't actually think the problem here is his parents, they're not inviting you anywhere because they don't see you as a fixture, as a pp said it seems more like you're a FWB. I'm going to guess also the DS's mum has no other children (and that your bloke lived with her when they were together), and you have 3 or more children (and of course have never lived with him)...that may well be part of it. I would wonder what he's said to them about you and whether he dismisses your relationship as something casual.

@xolotltezcatlopoca

I think I agree with pp it's maybe because your DP's parents maybe old fashioned and don't see you are part of the family. They may treat your dp's ex wife differently to you because she is ex- wife . You are his girlfriend who doesn't even live together.

She wasn't his ex wife. She was his ex partner of just 2 years, OP says they weren't married.

Op do you think he makes out to his parents that you aren't a couple?

Your boyfriend is a spineless wanker who’s happy for you and your children to be sidelined for an easy life! He likes being treated like the prodigal son and feels he doesn’t need to make an effort with you.

Do not sell your house and move in with this man child, you’ll be miserable.

I have to agree with PP.

It doesn't matter what you or your DP say about your relationship, everyone from the outside looking in sees it as a FWB situation where a DC was (probably accidentally) born.

His parents see it like that, as that's what your DP is treating it like.

Your DD gets 20 mins a day of his time and you receive maintenance.

Do you go on dates? Seemingly no.

Does he spend time with you and his family? No.

Does he spend time with you and his 1st DC? No.

Does he spend his free time with you? No (he chooses to clean instead!)

His parents aren't treating you like a DIL because you aren't one, you're not even their son's live-in partner, or their son's girlfriend.

He chooses to be with them instead of you because that's his preference, regardless of what he says.

Start ignoring what he's saying and focus on what he's doing. That shows you what's really happening here.

Morning and thanks for your replies. With regard to seeing DD this is how his time is split:
DS contact EOW: M-F work 12 hour day, see DD after work to put her to bed, except Friday as needs to pick DS up.
Saturday: hobby with DS, sometimes takes one of my DC who shares hobby interest. Though this has stopped during lockdown so more often than not he works and takes DS with him or DS goes to Grandparents. Sunday: housework, parents for lunch/afternoon then takes DS back to his mum and comes to put DD to bed.
He has cut this to once a month, the lunches as I want a day a month where we all spend time together. If DS doesn't see grandparents on the Sunday then DP takes him the Saturday after work or DS spends the Saturday with them.

Non DS week: M-F: 12 hour day, comes to put DD to bed and spend evening with me/my DC.
Saturday: work 12 hours, comes to put DD to bed and spend evening with me.
Sunday: Housework/laundry/grass cutting etc then comes to me when those are done.

I have taken over the admin for his work, I do have a business helping self employed people so he does pay me for that and I don't give him a discount either.

There's no room for him at mine, or rather his stuff. His line of work requires a workshop and lock up. He has that on his own land at his house. I don't have the outdoor space for it. His house is too small for us. There's 7 of us in total. DD sleeps with me, she's still BF.

With regard to his parents. We got on well, or I thought we did. I'd take his mum out for lunch, we've been on holiday etc. The first time it happened I asked him to ask why. He didn't so it happened again. I agree he needs to stand up to them. He agrees there is a huge difference in how DS and DD are treated.
Prelockdown I would take DD over to them once or twice a week so they did see her. As mentioned I did take DD there during lockdown as I was concerned about his mum being lonely. Then the following week was when they invited DS and mum over and invited DP. So again I said he needs to say something and he didn't. And I didn't contact them again. Partly to see if they were bothered about DD. Then came her birthday, and now it's been 8/9 weeks since any contact. As I've said, DP says they don't even mention her.

Thanks for all the replies, it's helped me see that this is a far from normal situation and maybe there's something up that I'm not being told about.

How are there 7 of you? I’m really confused as I count 5 from your op?

So this is just about lockdown

I can't believe your partner just goes along with this. What a gobshite.

He should be standing up for his DD and making his feelings known.

As PP has pointed out, his parents are following his lead.
He's not bothered so why should they be?

Gosh your DP is juggling a lot of balls isn’t he. Why has it taken so long for him to move in with his daughter. I think his parents don’t see you as a family to be honest. They will probably up their game when she is a bit older and can have a relationship with her independently of you and your dp will prob take both kids and leave you and yours at home.

It’s a really odd set up and tbh I’m wondering if it’s finically driven

Does your dp pay CS for your dd?

Is it possible that during lockdown they thought they shouldn't be mixing households with you? Obviously they ignored that with your dp and ds et al but because of dd maybe they thought they'd keep their distance? Agree with others though, keep your house and try not to spend your life waiting for him to deign to visit.

What sound odd to me is, even the house is too small for your dp to live with you, if he does really love you and cared for you and your dd, I would assume he would stay at yours and go back to work to his own house, rather than spending little time at yours and going back to his house. Seems like he loves single life with no responsibility with his dd. It's easy to be a part time dad for children.

@Ohfredcomeon

Does your dp pay CS for your dd?

OP says he pays maintenance in her earlier replies.

@Mydogisthebestest Me,DP, DD, DS and my other DC.

@InfiniteSheldon no, not just lockdown. This was happening prior to lockdown too, but I think I brushed it off too easily.

They were fine with seeing DD during lockdown that time. They haven't taken it seriously at all - have been having people over most of the time since then.

So when he gets the invite, he needs to say , "that doesn't work for me, my family are missing out on their weekend together. We are a package, all of us or none"
And if he won't do that for you, I would be seriously rethinking selling your house to move in with him. Because it won't suddenly get easier for him to face up to.

@xolotltezcatlopoca

What sound odd to me is, even the house is too small for your dp to live with you, if he does really love you and cared for you and your dd, I would assume he would stay at yours and go back to work to his own house, rather than spending little time at yours and going back to his house. Seems like he loves single life with no responsibility with his dd. It's easy to be a part time dad for children.

^^ This absolutely. He would use his house effectively just as a work base/ storage.

I think he wants an easy life - food cooked for him, help with his business. Whose idea was it to have a child? I think his, because he knew it was a way to keep you on the hook without having to offer any actual commitment (we can't live together or marry, but we'll have a baby) or ever do any of the heavy lifting himself.

If you've been together for 6 years, you must have known that entire time that your respective houses were too small...why didn't you rent both out and rent a joint place? Why only 3 years after you must have discussed children is his place up for sale?

I predict he won't be able to find a buyer. Or if he does there won't be a property big enough for you as a family that suits his workshop requirements. He's never going to buy a house with you or live with you, that's clearly not what he's looking for. If he was, if he was really committed to you, your DD, the idea of family, he'd be around all the time not just after he'd prioritised jobs at his house over his own child.

I had a DS with Ex, and he had older children, and similar happened. Total exclusion of me and DS, but then later on, accepted DS but total exclusion of me - so DS would get all the invites but I was not welcome!

It is a sign that you are not welcome. They have not accepted you and all this fuss around the older DS is ridiculous. It also sets up a bad dynamic between the siblings. Your DP has not handled it well. It may be that you are labelled ‘wierd’ becasue you are not yet living together with DP. Families can be very clannish and if you are asserting independence many families do not like this.

If I were I’d just completely take charge of the situation with everything that you can control. This is what I did. I got a lot of flack for it. Ignore DPs family, work only on your DP. Arrange for things to happen that you want to happen each weekend. Set up that expectation. Structure it. Also make sure that your DD and your family have a good relationship that DP is expected to attend, so invite them all for DDs birthdays and just totally ignore what his family doesn’t do. Their loss frankly. You could extend invite but then just pay no attention. You can’t force them.

Sorry OP but you have low standards for a partner and father of your child. The grandparents behaviour is a red herring, after all they’re taking their cue from him. He’s happy with a very clear division of his home life, his involvement with his two dc and his “relationship”. It suits him that that there is little intersection between these. He gets the best of all worlds -

His own home to himself so no juggling work and family life, no sleepless nights dealing with small dc.
He ticks the dad box with his son by having him without other dc, his parents on hand to help
He barely ticks the dad box for his daughter but what the hell, her mother doesn’t expect any better for her child and is happy to make/accept excuses.
His parents assist with the smooth running of his life, happily on hand to help facilitate the relationship with one of his dc and of course making sure he gets his Sunday lunch eh?

Oh and his relationship with you... Well, that’s quite convenient too isn’t it? You raise his child, are available when he wants company and accept that everything and everyone else comes ahead of you and your dc. When you do complain it’s about his parents not including you in lunch plans... He’s really landed on his feet hasn’t he?

So you have 2 other children? Why not just say so?

@Mydogisthebestest i make it
OP
DP
DS
DD
+3 ODC

I'm sorry OP, but this is concerning. The biggest red flag was when I read about his housework/cleaning day. He's a grown man living on his own. That's a load of bollocks!

The reality is that your DP doesn't want a shared life with you.

If ( ignoring that) you want yourself and your daughter to have a relationship with his parents, have you considered a frank direct conversation with his DPs? Pop round to visit them and tell them your concerns? It may shed further light on the situation. The response you might get could be really interesting.

You've been together six years and have a child together. If he was serious about you you would already be living together and you would have been fully integrated into his family life.
Oh and next time his DPs invite his son and ex-wife to lunch and not you and DD, Id be finding out which restaurant and booking a nearby table to make a point! (Maybe)

Thanks. I just don’t get how many other children there are and why the op refers to their joint DD as “my” DD and not our.

I’m totally confused.

@Mydogisthebestest

Thanks. I just don’t get how many other children there are and why the op refers to their joint DD as “my” DD and not our.

I’m totally confused.

OP, DP SS DD +3ODC

Op - you're not a family. You're just co-parenting amicably with occasional sex. His family don't like you, your daughter's dad sees no future here.

Cut your losses.