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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

260 replies

peekaboob · 02/08/2020 22:27

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

OP posts:
Original poster
peekaboob · 03/08/2020 00:32

@GrumpyHoonMain but then what does that teach DD about how they exclude me? Within a year she'll be asking why doesn't mummy come? I'm not sure I'd want her having a relationship with them if it means I am treated unacceptably.
What would happen next? They take the ex,DS,DP and DD out?

OP posts:
Original poster
peekaboob · 03/08/2020 00:34

@KorkMum They weren't even married! DS is the result of a brief fling, they tried to work it out but she cheated on him and left when DS was about 2.
The exW I referred to was one he hasn't had contact with for 15 years Confused

OP posts:
BuffaloMozzerella · 03/08/2020 00:53

I wonder if the grandparents are anxious that they will lose contact with DS if they don't put loads of effort in with his ex. It seems a disproportionate amount of effort to go to for something that was a fling.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I do think a few stiff conversations with your DP are required and he needs to start uniting you all (including step kids) as a family. 6 years is too long.

Commentutappelles · 03/08/2020 01:01

I feel like I have read this very differently to everyone else. The father of your youngest child visits for about 10 hours a month and you are worried about the relationship with the man's parents? From what you have written, he's not your partner, he's the father of your child and not a very interested one at that.

Timekeeper1 · 03/08/2020 01:02

You don't live together so he isn't even your DP, just your boyfriend and yes, that is a casual relationship. There is no commitment. Maybe that's why. And your BF doesn't seem like he takes his relationship with you seriously or he'd be proud to bring you to family events. He seems to be living a separate life, or a double life. He is paying child maintenance to you, not living you, not storming down the gates at his family's homes with you. He has a double life with no real commitment and this is how he wants it.

He doesn't want you to go with him to his family's houses. If he did, he'd bring you and DD along, believe me, he would if he wanted to. Considering your family treats his DS really well, this is an extra kick in the teeth for you. So you need to decide if you can continue with this life with you as a peripheral and you and your DD sidelined. He and DS have the best of both worlds, and no commitment. Even if his place sold, I doubt he would get a house with you (and even if he did, I don't foresee you and DD being suddenly accepted). I think you'll be waiting for something that won't happen. You need to figure out if you want to live like this for the rest of your life, or get out of the relationship completely so your DD isn't confused with comings and goings of her brother.

I can't explain about his ex-girlfriend, maybe his family just gelled with her. It does seem to be very, very unfair though.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/08/2020 01:07

How long was he with his ex wife? Why doesn’t he live with you during the week?

Why does he take his DS to his parents, just say you are doing things together and he can’t make it?

AllsortsofAwkward · 03/08/2020 01:12

I find it odd you would have a child together and not share the same household. You dont come across as a family unit and sharing in being in each others lives daily and being committed. I suspect they think this. Its a very usual set up op.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 01:16

Does he have his ds full time, op? Your house not being big enough for your partner to move into is pretty bizarre, really. 6 years?

AllsortsofAwkward · 03/08/2020 01:18

I wonder if hes got another woman on the go its very strange set up you dont see or speak to them. The contact is limited to 2 hours a day.

bluebadgehelp101 · 03/08/2020 02:10

Why on earth are you spoiling your boyfriend's son more than your own dc? This situation sounds like a mess all round. Do not sell up and move in with this man!

Coyoacan · 03/08/2020 02:30

It sounds like your DP spends more time with his parents, OP, than with you, or did I misunderstand?

Singalonggong · 03/08/2020 02:39

They don't like you and don't think you're a serious part of their son's life. Your DP doesn't really sound like much a father to your daughter with him anyway. I definitely wouldn't be selling my house to move in with this man. To be honest it doesn't sound like a serious relationship.

Yankathebear · 03/08/2020 02:41

Invite the in laws for lunch. Make a point of saying that it’s family time. See what they say.
I really feel for your dd. Her father and his family seem to see her as an inconvenience. I see my colleagues more than he sees his child. He is favouriting his son and his family are following his example.

MacduffsMuff · 03/08/2020 02:44

I wouldn't be selling my house and moving in with someone who facilitates this. Why would he think this is OK and go along with it? He doesn't sound invested in you or your DD.

leafyskyline · 03/08/2020 03:12

I'm afraid I would be telling DP it is more important that you, he, his DS and your Dd spend time as a family. That he is to cut visits to the DGPs to once a month with the extra day to be spent at yours. As you say, it's more important for the sibling bond to develop and for your DD to actually see her own dad. than seeing the DGPs to be involved, especially ones that are so divisive to your family.

Ghostoast · 03/08/2020 03:42

I can't believe he sees his daughter for 20 mins an evening... Sounds so sad. You've got bigger probs than his parents.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2020 03:46

They weren't even married! DS is the result of a brief fling, they tried to work it out but she cheated on him and left when DS was about 2.

And you don't live together. He's making a habit of producing children with people he's not really committed to. Why would the grandparents invest time and energy when he clearly doesn't want to.

Nancydrawn · 03/08/2020 04:29

That's shockingly little time that your partner spends with his daughter.

If you were officially separated and he had her one night a week and every other weekend, he would see her literally at least ten or twelve times longer than he does right now.

The relationship with his parents is a red herring.

Yeahnahmum · 03/08/2020 04:45

Ok so it's clear that his family doesn't like you. But worse, your Sh doesn't stick up for you nor does he include you. So you, more then anything, have a dp problem.

AbbieFB · 03/08/2020 04:49

Your DP needs to stop going until they treat you as a family. He's allowing them to treat your DD differently and he should be ashamed of himself for facilitating it.

AbbieFB · 03/08/2020 04:51

He (your DP) is also treating your DD poorly. He obviously has far more time for his son.

FruitLikeAPeach · 03/08/2020 05:19

Your husband is a twat as are his parents.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where my MIL would invite my husband and his older children round but not me and our DC and I'm sorry but I just can't. I also can't imagine a situation where DH wouldn't say anything if they did.

I can understand to an extent, although I'd still never show it, why they wouldn't be as interested in seeing your older children or they wouldn't feel as strongly about doing so but your DD is just as much their grandchild as your partners son so I cannot understand that at all.

If your DP didn't say anything to then and soon, and start pulling them up every time it happened, I would leave. It's quite clear your DP doesn't view you, and even worse, his own DD as important enough to confront his parents over. That would be a deal breaker for me.

I also think the fact you are together but he barely sees his daughter is off too but that's just me. It sounds like it would be barely any different for your DD if you did split up.

FruitLikeAPeach · 03/08/2020 05:24

Or a situation where my husbands ex was taken out for lunch with his parents and him whilst me and his other child was ignored. Again no, it just would not happen and my husband wouldn't stand for it. He would certainly say something and he wouldn't be going along.

ukgift2016 · 03/08/2020 05:53

The parents obviously do not like you but why? I feel your partner is the key here and we are not getting the full story. My partner would be raging at his family if I was treated the way you were.

It does not sound like you are in a serious relationship with your partner, it appears you are in a FWB type arrangement. Don't trick yourself into thinking this is a relationship, it is not. Time to be stronger and put your children first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2020 06:10

This man is not a keeper. Loving fathers don’t act like this. He is prioritising his ds over your dd time and time again and allowing others to do the same. Loving partners and fathers simply do not act like this. It would be a deal breaker for me.

By the sound of it your ex spends sounds like a much more committed father. Then there’s the time it takes to hand over the children. Your ex could be spending almost as much time with your dd during the handover as her father does with her. Think on that.

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