Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

My 14 DS goes at 10am, then we go at 10.30pm

Your DH is BU massively.

In the holidays and on weekends I think 11pm is more than fair.

By the time they were 15 we trusted all of our children to be able to manage when they went to bed.

Bedtime is at 10pm for my 12 and 10 year old, I would have thought for a nearly 15 year old 9.30 is to early. I work shifts and get up at 4.30am, my kids dont go to bed any earlier because I'm up early, they do have to be quiet though!

At this point, they tend to schuff off to their rooms around 10'ish, and, given it's the holidays and life is currently and has been, really rather shit, with their devices, and they sort themselves out. They're nearly 15 and 17.

Yeah dh is being unreasonable

It’s almost like he’s saying “I’ve got to go to bed early so you do too” in a sulky toddler tantrum way

So you gave them a slightly later bedtime, and your DH reacted by going behind your back and moving their bedtime to even earlier than normal?

You have a massive problem here... it isnt bedtimes.

Back up your kids on this one.

Same as pp - by 15 my teens managed their own bedtime and were pretty good at going to bed at a reasonable time during term time. 9:30 seems v early. My DC 13 is a late bird like me and goes much later than that, it will change about a week before term starts to get them into a better routine.

My 9 year olds are going to bed at 930 at the moment, they are in bed for 7 in normal times. He is being massively unreasonable.

Your son is old enough to make up his own mind what time to go to bed.

Yes, massively unreasonable. Hes 15 ffs. Most primary school children are up later than that in the holidays

It's fine for dh to be authoritative, but not authoritarian. This means he discusses his view with you, compromises if you disagree, and then communicates and explains rationale to ds. Also taking the teenage flak on the chin if necessary. However, expecting the household to run to his tune without discussion or compromise is unfair. And good parenting would be to give ds more flexibility if he demonstrates he is able to make good choices for himself and self-regulate bedtime.
I have a 15 and a 17 year old. I haven't actually enforced a bedtime or device off time for a year or two. The 17 year old goes to bed early (9ish) and doesn't seem to look at phone past 9.30. The 15 year old is more of a night owl and watches too much Netflix. I do monitor this and set limits as needed. But also often to be found painting or studying. And asleep by 11, possibly earlier on school nights. Doesn't do much social media.

Yes, your DH is being massively unreasonable. My DF was like that and it caused no end of resentment from teenage me.

Your DH is behaving like a begrudging dickhead, stand up for your children please.

@BobbieDraper

So you gave them a slightly later bedtime, and your DH reacted by going behind your back and moving their bedtime to even earlier than normal?

You have a massive problem here... it isnt bedtimes.

Back up your kids on this one.

This op.

At the moment we shoo the kids off to bed when we go up which can be anywhere between 10.30 and 1am (that was Friday night). Kids are 13 and 16

He's massively unreasonable.

I also think you were both unreasonable to stick to it during lockdown. Or to have it that early at all.

15 is old enough to decide their own bedtime all year round

My 10 year old stays up to 10 weekends and holidays, I can’t imagine a 15 year old having a bedtime at all

dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed

What a controlling bastard. My dad used to do this, he also used to make sure that if he was up we were all up, but if he wanted a sleep in we all had to tiptoe round the house, god forbid we should make a sound.

As long as your teen is not keeping everyone else in the house from falling asleep he should be allowed to decide for himself what time he goes to bed.

My 16 year old takes himself off to bed at about 11pm.

Your husband is being very unreasonable, my son is almost 8 and he's allowed up later than that. My husband gets up for work at 5.30 and is often in bed before my son. It's the holidays! (Saying that our school start next week so my son is now back to his 8pm bedtime in preparation after 17 weeks off 🤣🤣)

Your DH is being a dick .

DS is 15 and we tend to stick to 9.30-10pm weeknights, and by midnight Friday and Saturday.

Our teenagers self regulated bedtime from around age 13/14. It’s a life skill.

Your DH is a control freak