Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

My DS is 15. Now it's the holidays he can stay up as long as he likes, he has to learn the importance of regulating his sleep times to suit his needs. Obviously if he was still up at 3am regularly then we'd have an issue with it, as it is he probably crashes out at about 12:30 - 1am.

I have a 15 year old in the house who sorts his own bedtime.
Our 11 and two 12 year olds go when we go usually about 11pm.

Its bloody marvelous that you have a bed time. I agree with the earlier time.

One friend with a self regulator now has a nocturnal son.

My 16 year old we do ask him that after 9 he has headphones on if watchign TV/playing games in his room and not speaking through headsets etc - but thats more because he shares a bedroom with his younger brother who goes to sleep at that time (he is welcome to come downstairs instead but he doesn't tend to
By 10 he has generally turned stuff off and gone to sleep, but thats his choice.

If they didn't share a bedroom then on a school night he would probably be asked to turn things off by 10 anyway but I'd be fine with volume, on a non school night he would get a knock on the door, same as his sisters, when we go to bed - usually about 11, to say quiet (his sisters are aware if either of them wants to go to sleep earlier than the one who wants to stay up goes quiet if she stays in the room)

Hmmm.
My ds (16 in Sept) goes to bed around 10 / 10.30 but is on his phone screen much later I think. He has Autism and can't self regulate so will not wake up next day until 11am. Not so good for family life.
My dd (13) also ASD goes to bed around 9.30. Screens up until bed for both of them. She also struggles to get up before 11am

But if getting up at a reasonable time isn't an issue and they are not permanently tired I don't see why your H is being so strict?

I agree he is not that lovely and I feel sorry for your ds to have such a controlling df.
I say this as having been quite a strict dm to my two grown up children in certain areas, especially during term time.
However holidays are holidays and I certainly allowed mine to stay up and lie in as long as they wanted.
I think you should remind you dh that the time will soon come when your ds can move out. If he carries on with his dictatorial ways you wont be getting many visits.

My teenager goes to sleep when ever he wants in the school holidays if there’s nothing planned the next day

My 16 yr old manages her own bed time. Has done for years. So does my 12 yr old. They are more than capable.

Yeah, I agree with pretty much all the other posters. DH sounds like a controlling twat.

My 13 yo ds goes to bed around 11, and my 10 Yo dd around half nine or ten at the moment.

What the hell has your husband’s work start time got to do with your children? Or anyone, come to that. Very odd behaviour.

Did father & son have an argument that then resulted in this punishment of no devices for either child?

Or because your husband disagrees with you about bedtimes he has decided to punish the kids?

They should definitely be regulating their own bedtimes. Not sure I would be ok with devices in bedrooms all night though. They should stay downstairs if they're on the internet and leave phones downstairs when they go to bed.

I have a 14 year old. As long as he keeps a nighttime sleep, daytime awake type routine I'm not fussed now it's holidays. So asleep by 11 pm, then he usually gets up when I leave the house at 8 am, but sometimes sleeps in. A week before school goes back I will want it shifted back an hour.

If they are ridiculously loud, ie DS shouting on his xbox or DD having a long loud convo on FaceTime then I think he is being unreasonable.

Very unreasonable

If they are ridiculously loud, ie DS shouting on his xbox or DD having a long loud convo on FaceTime then I can see where he is coming from, if not then I think he is being unreasonable.

There would have been sometimes in the holidays, if they were out somewhere, that my elder three wouldn't have even been home at 9pm, never mind getting ready for bed.

Does he expect you to go to bed at 9.30 as well @RhodaCamel?

Your DH is being really unreasonable and unfair

My DS is 16, he goes to bed when he wants. The deal is he keeps the noise down when I go to bed but other than that I don't much care to police his bedtimes. I honestly don't see the issue - how does it affect you what time he goes to bed?

9.30 is ridiculous

9.30 pm for a 15 year old in the school holidays sounds exceptionally early. I can also understand why he took it badly. In our household as long as teens are up by a reasonable time, they ,manage their own bedtime.

Mine all sorted themselves out for bed and bedtime by the time they were about 14.

If they were up really late I might have a word, but tbh if they don't need to get up tomorrow it's not an issue.

DS2 is 17 now and goes to bed very sensibly at about 10.30 (or earlier if he has to be up for something like early sports training). Could be because we gave them some autonomy over it.

Tbh 9.30pm bed wouldn't have worked buy that age anyway - mine went variously to Guides, Explorers, Scouts, drama rehearsals, football training, all of which finished 9/9.30/sometimes later. Not every night obviously but still.

Your DH is bvu as others have said.

One of my teens self regulates well, the other not so much. We can set our wifi to block access to gaming and social media overnight, so we do. When they were younger (now 16) it was phones downstairs from 9.3pm on a school night.

Teens naturally go to bed later and get up later. Puberty shifts their sleep schedule by around two hours, so a kid who used to nod off at 9pm will now struggle to sleep before 11pm. Forcing them to bed earlier is like making your DH go to sleep at 7/8pm.

There's loads of info online, but this is a good place to start.

Obviously they should be keeping noise to an absolute minimum so as not to disturb anyone, but it's extremely unreasonable to expect them to sleep at 9pm. It's still light out!

Does your son sleep lightly and DH wakes them up in the morning? Is the point that DS is tired?

My 15 (16 later this month) doesn’t have a set bed time during holidays but usually it’s around 11:30/midnight. I’m in bed before him.

I don't have teen children but would agree with your DH given the early morning start.

Of course 'none of his friends' have this, because if they do they won't admit it.

6am wake up call for Dh would only be relevant if kids were actually keeping him awake with bickering or something.

In our house anyway.

Devices are off 11pm here. Which is apparently massively unfair as noone elses parents say this and all her mates are on 'literally all night then allowed to sleep through the day' which is NO way happening here, nor do I believe that all the other parents allow it tbh.

My 10 year old has gone to bed at 9-9:30pm (asleep by about 10pm) on school nights for about 3 years.