Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

During term time my 16yo is off devices and asleep by 11, the 13yo by 9.30. During the holidays I leave it up to them to decide and they usually seem to stick to about the same times. The oldest might stay up later watching a movie but he’s not disturbing anyone and he doesn’t have to get up early the next day, so it doesn’t bother me.

I don't get what his point is. Unless your dc will keep him awake, why the hell have they got to go to bed before they're tired?

FWIW 15 year old ds goes to bed at 9, usually asleep by 9:30. But that is out of choice because he is normally up at 5am (and I am not far behind).

Wtf does the fact that your DH has to get up early have to do with a 15 yo’s bedtime?!

He is being a miserable fucker.

He will end up with the kids resenting him massively. My son is almost 14. During lockdown he is often up later than me. My main rule is that he can’t be loud but devices off by midnight is the rule. We have talked about the need to make this earlier so he can get up for school when the time comes. He tends to wake mid-late morning at the moment. His friends are the same. One has had to go off at 10.30 during term time but that has been relaxed now it is the holidays.

Oh and he doesn’t get to over ride you. That is not on.

He’s being unreasonable. At 15, in the holidays, I wouldn’t have a bedtime as such. My eldest is 10 and goes to bed at 9 ish during term time. At 15, in the holidays, this is ridiculous.

It also seeks authoritarian - if I’m in bed you should be too. Why? Provided they are respectful of someone holding different hours, they should be able to follow their own rhythms.

I do and would always have a rule of devices downstairs though. We do this and our kids will too. Clean sleeping is vital for development, achievement and happiness in kids and adults!

Actually given your son is almost 15 I would say it’s not just that you two as a couple need to come to a compromise. Rather you both need to recognise that DS isn’t a small child anymore - he has an opinion on the matter too and it’s reasonable for him to have some input rather than be dictated to on his dads whim.

What your DH has done is decided that because he has to get up early (and presumably therefore go to bed early), the rest of the household must follow suit. That’s selfish and arrogant and just reeks of “I’m the head of the household”! I mean why on earth cause a row and upset by giving a 15 year old a ridiculously early bedtime in the school holidays?

Well if your DH is so "lovely" then surely he is self-aware enough to realise that saying "I've got to be up at 6:30am therefore everyone has to suffer with an early bedtime" is not only completely unreasonable but incredibly sour grapes.

If your DS isn't making a boat-load of noise, and he's up at a reasonable hour in the morning, then what's the problem? Or can your "lovely" DH only get to sleep if he knows that he's made everyone else go to bed at the same time as him?

I'm sorry but I do t see how he can be lovely and a fabulous father, when his rationale for his controlling behaviour is that HE has to go to bed early so no one else should get to stay up late.

This isn't about how you were each raised, he made it clear according to your op that he was demanding ds go to bed because he had to. Not becaise it's best for ds. He was also very comfortable completely undermining your parenting and didn't bother to consult you in his immediate change of rules- quite disrespectful of you and not indicative of a man who feels his role as parent is equal to yours. Certainly not a man presenting a united front.

Wtf does when your DH has to get up have to do with your DS going to bed? That makes zero sense!

By 15 my DD managed her own bedtime. She was usually in bed before me (she still is now she's 20), but not always, and that was fine. At 15 you know how much sleep you need.

Your DH is an arse.

Way too early! At 15yrs old I would think a level.of independence should come into play regarding betimes in the school hols. My 13yr old is going to bed around 11pm ish atm and in bed around 10pm on school nights.

DH being unreasonable definitely. If he'd asked DS to be quiet after 9.30 as he needed to go to bed to be up early, I'd think that was perfectly reasonable, but not changing his time to even earlier than normal. I'd like to say that it's important to have a united front (and I do genuinely believe that) but I know DH and I don't always manage it and certainly if he's said something really unreasonable I would sometimes overrule him (but try not to if it's something I just slightly disagree with).

However, I am really surprised by some of the bedtimes for younger ones (though I guess I shouldn't be as DD said in Y7 there were plenty of DC in her class sending messages after midnight on a school night whilst she was lights out around 9.15 for a 6.30 start). DD15 normally has a her light out around 10pm and DS13 around 9.45 at moment and I'd say we encourage them not to be up later unless good reason - so not a problem if eg we are all watching film together or if one of them is out at something that doesn't finish until around that time, or if DD wants to read a bit more of her book, but we expect screens off by then and for them to be ready for bed around that time. Both though realise that if up late they suffer the next day so are sensible enough to go to bed.

My 15 year old doesn't have a set bedtime in the school holidays, he goes when I go or sometimes later. I don't have the embuggerance of a DH to consider though

He is being totally unreasonable. He is nearly 15 not a toddler. During lockdown and school holidays my children can go to bed when they want to. They are usually in their rooms any way watching Netflix.

I was out clubbing until 2am when I was 15 🤣 I know that’s not good either and my parents were fairly bonkers, but I just wanted to throw in my two pennies from the other end of the spectrum..!

My 12 year old goes to bed at 10pm at the moment.
My 16 year old doesn't sleep well and is always awake by 5.30, so he will usually take himself to be before 10.
My 14 year old goes between 11 and 11.30 and still gets up for his paper round 6 mornings a week.

Your DH is very unreasonable.
I get up at that time so I go to bed before DS & DH.

Ridiculous.

Unless there's a problem developing, your 15-year-old son can decide when to go to bed.

When I was that age, the basic rule of thumb was that we were to be up by a reasonable hour and that we could manage our own schedules. We'd often summer with our grandparents, which meant reasonable hours in the morning tended more to the 9.00 am breakfast (unless you got a tray, which I never did). But that still meant you could stay up until midnight and get acres of sleep, and there were certainly plenty of nights when I was up until two in the morning.

If he were staying up until 4 every morning gaming with bleary eyes and sleeping past lunch, that would be one thing, but it's not happening here.

Micromanaging a trustworthy kid only makes that kid frustrated and rebellious.

Is he making you go to bed at 9.30pm too OP?

My 15 year old self regulates but I have an internet time that goes off at midnight. Even on a school night I am not sending him to bed. He’ll be 16, that’s when I moved out.

YABU to refer to ‘summer half term’. It’s summer holidays. Half terms happen half way between summer, Christmas and Easter holiday.
Also your DH IBU about bedtimes. The time he needs to get up is irrelevant unless they are keeping him awake.

@RhodaCamel

I should add that dh is a lovely person, we have been together for 30 years and he is a great husband and father and in those 3 decades he has never been controlling at all. We were brought up differently, his parents were quite strict, mine weren’t so much and he thinks his parents brought him up well, I believe the same of mine, neither of us are wrong our parents just had different approaches to parenting and we as a couple need to come to a compromise over this as we don’t usually have issues co-parenting.

He's not that lovely. Not only did he completely ignore what you said he's actually made your teen's bedtime earlier than normal in the summer holidays without any discussion with you and in an aggresive way

He has to be up at 6. Not you, not the kids, so he should go to bed when he needs too. That doesn't mean your kids have to go to bed earlier than him.

I think at 15, your son should be allowed to decide his own bedtime. As long as he isn't disturbing anyone else in the household, he's old enough to be in control of his own sleep schedule.

My DS 14 is totally self regulating bedtime but I wouldn't say it's going too great since he's often awake till 2 am at the moment . I am a little powerless to do anything as he's never been a tired child and I'm often asleep now before him. I think asking your DS to go to bed at 9.30 is harsh but honest don't take advice from me I'm totally lost with how to get my DS to actually go to sleep!

Let your DH be warned - my dad used to give ridiculous bedtimes earlier than my friends - so I'd come home for 930, then once my parents were asleep at 1030 I'd sneak back out! Silly really as I'd then be out till 1am getting into mischief, when if I'd been allowed to come home at 1030 like everyone else I'd have been happy and tucked up in bed.

My DD is 13, she doesn't have a strict bedtime as such. On school nights if she's still downstairs at around 10/10:30 I'll send her upstairs but she doesn't have to go to sleep and still has her phone. I understand the reasons some parents remove devices but I think 9 is very early for that and going to bed. At what age will he be allowed to decide when he goes to bed? Also what does your DH getting up at 6 have to do with your DS having his phone taken away at 9?

Your DH sounds controlling out of sheer spite. Not nice. Is he usually like that, or is it lockdown stress?

If DH is just a bit envious of the kids free time, maybe suggest they could do more work around the house, help with chores etc, in order to earn a later bed time as a treat.