Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

Those who don't give a time for older kids, do they self regulate?

Just from previous experience, if we don't turn electronics off at 11, she stays up all night, then thinks its acceptable to sleep all day, only emerging from the pit for a meal, then going back. Being utterly awful to anyone who tries talking to her (as shes tired, obviously) and just..the attitude is 100x worse than usual. Then wakes up again at about 10pm to go back on phone! And round it goes.

Was no an issue, she used to have half an hour, or watch a film or something then leave it. Almost overnight, it became something thats stuck to her hand and stared at all day everyday. Hell her mother even (and this is embarrassing..) bought a holder, that clips onto her head to hold the phone infront of her, for if shes being made to do the dishes (again, she does EVERYTHING in the house apparently )..I cannot believe such things exist, and less so that her mother bought her one

I wish we didn't have to. But piss is hugely taken if we don't.

Your son will be going into year 10 in September, and in my experience this is when the late parties start. How will your DH cope with that? With DS being out until midnight, or later, and needing picking up?

I don't know where people get the idea that all teens automatically stay up till 3am if giving free reign. If they have been given a bit of freedom they tend not to abuse it.

Ha. If it was 3am, that would be much better!

Also of course not all teens, but it seems many of them.

During school time I encourage my 13 and 15 year old to go to bed at around 10ish but in all honesty I leave it up to them now. They tend to be sensible anyway but they certainly go to sleep after we do most nights (probably midnight in the holidays). I never take their phones away. No need to really - I know they don't stay up until 3am messaging their mates. Also they aren't little kids anymore so I don't treat them as such.

I had long stopped enforcing bedtime at 15. On schooldays they went to bed early (9-10)as they had to get up early for school. In the holidays and to a lesser extent at weekends they stayed up late.

My almost 15 year old has regulated her own sleep since she was around 13. When she was at school in those lovely pre Covid-19 days, she was in bed for 10pm but nearer to 11 on weekends. Pretty much 11pm at the moment because she hasn't been in school since March.

9.30pm is really early for kids of that age - my 6 and 4 year old currently have a 9pm bedtime although it'll go back to 7.30pm in September.

Your husband is weird.

I feel so so sorry for your poor kids.

Your husband is VVVU.

At 15, your DS must be trusted to get himself to bed and to get up when he needs to for any reason.

It's totally unreasonable to tell him he's got to go to bed because it suits your husbands bloody schedule for work.

Give him an alarm clock, headphones and rules around staying up later e.g no noise ( headphones after 10 pm) etc

Let him learn to take responsibility for himself ( of course he'll make some mistakes, but he'll learn) and tell your DH that he's just going to have to get used to sleeping through some noise as the kids grow up.
You cannot expect everybody's bedtime to revolve around your DH forever.

TBH I can't even stay awake until 11 so mine all have 9:30-10:00 bedtimes, tbh their bedtime doesn't change during the school holidays at all, I believe in routine and just because they're not at school doesn't mean we aren't working.

I have to be in bed for 7.30 in order to be up for 1.30

Doesn’t mean my 7 and 5 year old have to

@Hamm87

12 yr old no devices after 9pm bed by 9 30 14 year old no devices after 10pm bed by half 10 sorry but kids should be in bed before adults and at least an hour before so adults can relax themselves

I can relax perfectly well if my kids aren't in bed. They aren't 3 year olds! They are mainly in their rooms anyway so it makes no odds to me.

My DS self regulates definitely. He usually goes upstairs about 930, he watches TV, chats to friends or whatever. Sometimes he's asleep by 11ish, sometimes later. He often has to be up early and always gets up and is never tired.

We have always been very relaxed with bed times from about 12 upwards, DS has always been a night owl and never needed much sleep. On the occasions when he is not playing sports he sometimes will sleep till lunch time which I dont think is an issue.

I actually think its pretty normal for teens to stay up later than their parents. Most teens would only be in their rooms anyway. I have never had an issue not removing devices but maybe that's just luck more than anything.

I’m 24 so 15 isn’t that long ago for me, my mam never gave me a bedtime at that age or a no device time. I was expected to be quiet after a certain time and I respected that but a set bedtime at 15 is ridiculous imo. I have a 16 year old sister and she’s managed her own bedtime from being around 13.
Unless your sons shouting into a console I find the whole device time and bedtime very unreasonable on your husbands point. You need to back your kids here OP, the ‘rebellion’ stage isn’t too far off and your DHs in for a very rude awakening if he doesn’t slacken off the reins.

I have 3 teens, 17, 15 and 12.
In the holidays the only one who has a bedtime still is the 12 year old.

i was stricter with ds who is 17 when he was 15, as often happens with oldest kids.
Our rule is that once we go to bed, the house must be quiet.
Ds (17) plays x-box late
dd1 (15) has her phone and sometimes watches stuff or is reading until 2 am, sometimes she is alseep at 10. (during school time she has a bedtime)
dd2 (12) has to have phone handed in by 10 (well, ish, we aren't that strict, but it must be downstairs.) But she might then read until late.

In the holidays, it is a great opportunity for you teens to learn about their own bodies/body clocks, what works for them to go to sleep etc.

but kids should be in bed before adults and at least an hour before so adults can relax themselves

TBH I can't even stay awake until 11 so mine all have 9:30-10:00 bedtimes, tbh their bedtime doesn't change during the school holidays at all, I believe in routine and just because they're not at school doesn't mean we aren't working.

I find both of these comments weird, because at this age, why do they need to be in bed before you?
It is pretty normal for teens to stay up late, and it has been shown that their body clock works that way.
ds sometimes stayes up til 3 am or 4 am, but when he is working (saturday job) he takes responsibility to go to bed, and gets himself up and out of the door.

I remember well as a teen that I used to read until the early hours. It was common for me to finish a book at 3 am.
This isn't about screens it is about teens!
Why does it matter? It is school holidays.

but kids should be in bed before adults and at least an hour before so adults can relax themselves

What?

Do they need close monitoring?

Can they not play quietly and leave you alone?

Your husband sounds awful, putting a 15 year into bed in the summer holidays at half 9 is ridiculous.

The responses here are like Twitter. As the OP decided without the husbands input that bedtime could be later she can hardly complain that he doesn't agree.

I'm in NZ. Government advice here is never to allow devices in rooms at night, so we always make our kids hand them in at 8. It's irresponsible to expect teens to regulate their own sleep and let them have devices at night. I have a nephew in the UK. He looks like a ghost because he's always up until the witching hour on his device.

9:30 doesn't strike me as early: quite normal where we are for teens.

Husband has clearly had a silly strop: could be because he's controlling - could be because OP repeatedly sidelines him.

If he had a problem with the OP's decision he should have spoken with her about it, not gone into DS's room guns blazing and had a row.

And the fact that he has to be up at 6 is just the H feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on everyone else. It's pure dog in the mangerism.

If he had a problem with the OP's decision he should have spoken with her about it, not gone into DS's room guns blazing and had a row

Perhaps he did

And the fact that he has to be up at 6 is just the H feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on everyone else. It's pure dog in the mangerism.

Let the one without sin cast the first stone.

@TomPinch I couldn't disagree more. Its not even about screens. Its totally irresponsible to not teach teens important life skills. Its like saying you don't teach a 2/3 year old road safety just because you can hold their hand. They don't suddenly know what to do at 11 when they will have to cross a road alone.

My DS who self regulates his sleep performs well at school and in his sports/music. I think you may be misunderstanding about self regulation, it doesn't mean a completely free reign. Most parents would step in if their teens were like zombies, thats called parenting. 930 is VERY early for a 15 year old here. Given that school doesn't generally start till 830/9 its unnecessarily early for most 15 yos.

Self regulating sleep is not just letting kids stay up till 5am on devices, its is parents giving teens the opportunity (with some guidance at first) to figure out the most sleep pattern for them. 8pm to take devices off a 15 yo is awful IMO. My DS is generally at sports training till about then so after 8 is either homework or relaxing time for him, it seems very controlling.

Do you believe that at 16/18 when they have to sort themselves for college/uni/work etc alone that they suddenly become able to regulate their sleep sensibly? Or will they be micro managed then too?

Changeofname14

couldn't agree more.
The teenage years are a process of teaching them how to regulate, how to learn about getting up and going to sleep etc.
I find the idea of an 18 year old going off the uni when their parents have always made them hand in their phones quite scary.
So, if at 18 we want them to be phone savy, work back from that.
My 15 has a bedtime and phone hand in during school time, and not in holidays. She is learning then about her phone use.

I do agree that younger kids should hand their phones in and not have them overnight, but by 15, that is started to change.

and, as I said before, both my girls read late once in bed, as I did at their age. It isn't all about phones.

@RhodaCamel

Ds is 15 in two months time. During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10. Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times. So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

I would say that the time father goes to bed is irrelevant as long as the son isn't making excessive noise.