Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

199 replies

RhodaCamel · 02/08/2020 19:46

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

OP posts:
Doodar · 02/08/2020 20:59

@AriettyHomily

My 9 year olds are going to bed at 930 at the moment, they are in bed for 7 in normal times. He is being massively unreasonable.
that's really early
BatShite · 02/08/2020 20:59

We did try self regulating btw. But that did lead to her being up all damn night then trying to sleep til 5pm. So now, even though we are apparently 'ruining her life' shes off them by 11pm.

She is 15.

RonnieBob · 02/08/2020 20:59

Wow that’s early at that age OP.

DD (only just 14) goes to bed at 11pm on non school nights. 10-10:30 on school nights.

She needs 9 hours sleep to function well at school. Ideally 10 hours if plans permit.

BatShite · 02/08/2020 21:00

Also the 6 and 7 year old go to bed about 9-10ish in the holidays.

itsaratrap · 02/08/2020 21:00

Yes, unreasonable.

underneaththeash · 02/08/2020 21:03

@BatShite - well considering some of the responses on here, their friends probably are... but

YOU DO STILL NEED TO PARENT TEENAGE CHILDREN.

they are not adults and don't always make great choices, especially with regard to electronics. My 14 yo would spend all night and all day on the pc if I let him. Yet, he is a much more pleasant and healthy individual if he's not doing that.

As an optometrist too - it's not good for developing eyes to be sitting at a computer screen for hours either.

TheStuffedPenguin · 02/08/2020 21:05

That's crazy at nearly 15 . As long as he is making no noise I don't see what the problem is with him being online later . It's the holidays . It's a well know fact that teen brains are biologically out of sync.

bellie710 · 02/08/2020 21:06

Our kids 9, 12 & 14 have not had any strict bedtime routine since lockdown. They all tend to spend most of their evening upstairs reading, watchingTV/Netflix. 9 year old is usually in bed by about 10.30 the other two are night owls but always stay upstairs after we are in bed. They will go back to 8.30, 9.30 and 10 when school starts but lockdown has been hard enough without starting stupid arguments about bed time, your DH needs to get a grip and stop being a twat!

SunshineCake · 02/08/2020 21:06

Your dh is being a dick.

We go to bed before our kids. They are 15-19.

We tell them to be quiet if needs be and on school nights we will tell our youngest to come off a screen if we think he should.

Jeschara · 02/08/2020 21:07

OP, I find your husband controlling, If this not nipped in the bud now, I can see a big fall out between them, which could go on into adult hood, tell your husband to wind his neck in. In fact I think your husband is selfish, not lovely.

Knickerthief1 · 02/08/2020 21:09

I work on getting up time rather than bedtime in school holidays. I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old and I make them get up by 11am at the latest. They've learnt that feeling shattered isn't a nice feeling so they tend to go to sleep around 11.00.

TheParrotsBeak · 02/08/2020 21:12

Seriously don't understand bedtimes for teens, during school term as well as holidays.

As long as they're getting up on time for school, doing well enough and normal enough in every other way, why be so controlling? My mum used to let me and my DB get on with it- 'pick your battles' is the phrase she often uses. We used to stay up til 4am watching horror films in the school holidays. I'd go to bed usually around 11pm/midnight during term time. Always up for school and was a pretty normal teen. And I have a pretty good relationship with my mum- i respect how she parented us.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/08/2020 21:20

Your DH is being Weeeiirrrrrd. 'I have to get up early and that's not fair!!! So you have to get up early too!!!' Stampy feet.

It's the logic of a 5 year-old.

I'd say 10-11, pretty much adult times by that age. So long as they're npt regularly up past midnight and in bed until midday, all's well.

Plenty of 15-16 year-olds are regularly out until after 11pm, never mind in bed. Not that I'm recommending that but you are fast heading into the years when the only thing you can really control is what time they come in.

BiBabbles · 02/08/2020 21:21

My 15 year old generally watches movies with us or games in the evening downstairs, and for the latter he's told to wrap things up at 9:15 with the expectation he'll be off around 9:30. Then we normally chat for a bit before he heads up. He typically reads in bed for a bit before going to sleep (no devices upstairs). During summer, he's occasionally stayed up later, typically when he's doing gaming with friends, but not regularly and he hasn't asked to do so regularly yet. DS likes his sleep and already notices how late nights affect him the next day.

My 13 year old generally goes to bed at 8, with the occasional late night with her brother, but she's my lark - no matter how late she's up, she'll be up around 6, possibly earlier, just more cranky from lack of sleep.

I think your DH is U to just go declaring that change, it's something that should be discussed. I was a 15 year old with no bedtime at all and it really did me no favours, but shifting ground and centreing it all on DH's work isn't going to do much good either.

Ringsender2 · 02/08/2020 21:23

@honeyrider

Your DH is behaving like a begrudging dickhead, stand up for your children please.
^ this ^

Good luck in getting your DH to see reason, OP

Chottie · 02/08/2020 21:25

Sorry OP, your DH does not sound like a lovely person at all.

AldiAisleofCrap · 02/08/2020 21:26

I agree with you however I hate it when people make their dc out to be older than they are. Your teen is 14.

AmelieTaylor · 02/08/2020 21:26

So if he's normally a great Dad & lovely guy, WTAF is this ridiculous show of control & stupidity all about?!

Because 'I HAVE to be up, YOU have to go to bed early'. Is utterly ridiculous from a grown man

DC(14) goes up, when I go up, whatever time that is, because she hates being down on her own at night 🙄🙄But she's (now) happy enough to go up earlier if she feels like it (took until she was 13)

But she then showers, dries her hair & generally pisses about. Then uses her phonereads the classics.

She tends to stay in bed until she's hungry! at about 11, but she's always cheerful & can get up if necessary without grumbling.

It's all irrelevant though. All that matters is why your DH is behaving like a total knob.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/08/2020 21:26

During the holidays my 11 year olds have a screens off time of 9 pm and no particular bedtime at all (though they do have to be quiet after DH and I go to bed). They have got themselves a bit out of sync, but having realised how awkward that is are now working themselves back to a more regular schedule, so they’re normally settled by midnight.

If they were waking us up when we needed to sleep or if they couldn’t get up for something they needed to do, we would put stricter rules in place. But everything is swimming along quite happily.

allfalldown47 · 02/08/2020 21:28

In all honesty now it's the holiday I've no idea what time ds actually goes to sleep but he goes to bed at 11ish. I know he's up later than that as I can hear him chuckling online with his mates until late and I'm glad that he is, it's a tough time for teens right now!

Your husband sounds unpleasant, at 15 they should be allowed to regulate their own bedtime.

Shallowsubmarine · 02/08/2020 21:31

15? Surely they can go to bed whenever they like. I was going clubbing at this age!!!

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 02/08/2020 21:35

I don't get what your DH's bedtime has to do with your DC's bedtime.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2020 21:41

Your DH has always been 'lovely' because nobody his size or shape has ever challenged him. Now he is showing his true colours by pulling the rank he assumes he has.

You have a big problem on your hands, OP. The relationship between your H and DS is at stake because your H has a massive pole up his arse.

Tell him that the self-pity party an/or the attempt to manage anxiety by means of controlling twattery need to stop.

Teens should be encouraged to manage their own sleep needs and to balance the need to sleep with the other priorities in their lives.

whirlwindwallaby · 02/08/2020 21:43

@AldiAisleofCrap

I agree with you however I hate it when people make their dc out to be older than they are. Your teen is 14.
I agree, unless it's a few weeks or less then I might say 'almost 15' or similar, but two months off 15 is 14!
Lovemusic33 · 02/08/2020 21:47

DD’s are 14 and 16, I pretty much let them go to bed when they want, dd1 usually goes to bed at 9pm but might listen to music or talk to friends online until 10.30 ish. Dd2 is usually asleep by 9pm by choice. I never have to tell them to go to bed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread