Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

I stopped having a bed time at that age. As long as I didnt sleep in ridiculously late or woke up late for school etc my DM left me to it. It is early IMO.

Are the DC keeping your DH up? That is the only time your DH would have a point. He gets up at 6am because he is an adult who goes to work, your DC are young teens on summer holiday. Very controlling if it isn't disturbing him and he just doesn't like the fact DC are up "late"

I don’t think I was ever told when to go to bed beyond primary school. 9.30pm bedtime for a 15 year old in holidays is hilarious, I was still playing out at 9pm in holidays at 11!

Can’t a 15 year old decide when to go to bed? You know when he’s tired and wants to sleep, like adults do?

My dad used to do this to me as a teenager, even when I was 18 and going out to pubs/clubs he would say I needed to be in by 10.30pm as he had work, there were other reasons but along with this it made me hugely resent him, I spent my teenage years making excuses to my friends about why I had to be in bed early or home early

My DH works wildly different shifts and tomorrow is on up at 05:00, he has just this second gone up to bed.

DS 15 and I are still downstairs and will be for a couple of hours yet.

Your DH is being a controlling arse.

As @DollyDoneMore say - and it is the holidays. Your DH is massively unreasonable on this in my view

My 15 year old goes when he wants. Last night he was tired and went to bed around 10pm, some nights he’s up until past midnight.

Hugely unreasonable . At 15 my DDs were 10pm on school nights but holidays they just sorted themselves out as long as they were being quiet if we were asleep !

OP your DS could leave home in a year.

During the holidays at 15 I didn't have a bedtime. He's 15! He's not got anything to get up for. Your dh is being ridiculous. I also think 10.30 is really early.

DS 15 manages his own bedtime. On school days it's devices off by 10.00pm and lights out at 10.30pm please.

Weekends/holidays if he chooses to be up half the night that's up to him. He works part time and manages to get to his job, so that's fine.

9.30 for a 15yo is ridiculous! It's even ott for a 12yo tbh. When my older DC reached 13-14 they dieters their own bedtime out. They're not little kids you can just pack off to bed. My youngest is 10 and during the holidays she's never in bed before 11 unless she's tired out. Your DH is being daft.

'Dieters' should read 'sorted'! Stupid phone!

At 15, in the school holidays as long as they're not being disruptive to other people in the house it doesn't matter what time they go to bed. Usually they tend to hideaway in their rooms for the entire time anyway and just decide when to go to sleep. At the age of 15 it's important children have the ability to be able to self moderate, determining when they go to bed is an example of an activity where this applies. It helps them learn how to make good decisions in future. It doesnt dound like they are going up ged anyway but your husband is being completely unreasonable in respect of his ultra early bed time, the fact he has undermined you and the fact hes having an "if I can't have it, you can't either" type sulk! Hes setting himself up to be completely ignored for the next ten years!

OP, I’m really confused about all this spite against your DH! Ok, so he has behaved unreasonably in this instance and should’ve consulted you and discussed first but this does not mean he’s controlling or a massive twat as per other PPs assertions! Aren’t we all allowed an ‘off day’ at some point?! If I were you, I’d discuss it with him tomorrow and go from there.

Dds friend is 13 and will be 14 in a couple of months. She has to be in bed at 9.30 pm when with one of her parents but the other has no bedtime rules atm. My 12 yo dd is going to bed at around 9.30 but chats to her friends and watches a bit of tv until 11pm. This has only been since lockdown and she never has any issues with being ready for school. She had a couple of all night FaceTime sleepovers during the strict lockdown period when she couldn’t see friends.

I cannot believe the ridiculous argument that your ds cannot have fun because his dad is in bed. Fgs.

Utterly ridiculous to expect him to go to bed earlier during summer holidays than during school time. Not to mention at 9.30 it's too hot to sleep. His almost 15. My boys are 10 and 13. School nights bed at 10 if no school then it's 10.30 Sunday to Thursday 11 Friday and Saturday as I am off work. My partner is a lorry driver on nights so the later they go to bed the later the sleep in letting him rest.

My DS(13) does have a bedtime..He was sneakking his phone in his room. I am a CM so not a quiet house - he was actually becoming ill. He does have ASD and ADHD so self regulation is not something he manages well. His last attempt at self regulation he stayed up till 6am..

However when I start work at 6 I ask the children to be quiet so my DS can sleep not expect my DS to be up that early.

There seems to be no reason why your DS has to go to be earlier in the holidays than school time

12 yr old no devices after 9pm bed by 9 30 14 year old no devices after 10pm bed by half 10 sorry but kids should be in bed before adults and at least an hour before so adults can relax themselves

out of interest OP - where do you come in your DH's 'fairness' schedule?
Do you have to be in bed at the same time as your DH? If not why does it only apply to your children?
It just shows a complete lack of logic and is such a weird thing to do! What if your DC said "Well because we have to wear uniform you should too?"
Or "We aren't allowed to drink alcohol so it's only fair you and mum don't either."
Or "You get paid for going to work so it's only fair you pay us for going to school."
Or "We have to do an hour's homework everyday when we get home from school so it's only fair that you spend an hour studying something self-improving per day after work too."

Or would your DH not think 'fairness' is important or relevant in those scenarios?

School nights:
Devices off at 10..
Bed just after

Weekends / school holidays / Don't have to get up:
Devices taken around Midnight

Is he actually disturbing DH? If so then I think it's fair enough. If he's quiet then I don't see why his bedtime needs to change because DH has to get up for work? Sounds miserable to me.

Your DH is massively unreasonable unless he has a convincing argument that the kids staying up stops him sleeping (unlikely as long as they are considerate when walking past the bedroom etc).
At 15 at school nights I was in bed by 10.30 (no phones then). But during holidays usually later.

Mine are in the same year as your son.
They go to bed whenever they like in the holidays (1.30am yesterday) but usually it's around midnight.

We both work and go to bed earlier than them, but as long as they don't make a racket, there's no issue.

I was afforded the same responsibility at that age. I was grateful to my parents for not being controlling.

It sounds like your DH is being a massive petulant child here..of course your DS at the age of almost 15 can go to bed later-why does he get to pay the price because DH has to be up?-remind DH if he was on his holidays/day off and fancied a late night/lie in he'd do as he pleased without feeling compromised by what other family members are doing with their sleep routines!. Its part of growing up that you get to figure out your own bedtime and what works best for you-and enjoy your blessed time away from school.

Your DH is being very unreasonable