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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

199 replies

RhodaCamel · 02/08/2020 19:46

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

OP posts:
Original poster
RhodaCamel · 02/08/2020 20:03

I have said to ds that as long as he isn’t sitting in his room shouting and screaming at Fortnite or he isn’t laying in bed in the dark looking at his screen then as long as he keeps fairly quiet and isn’t turning at 3am then getting up at 3pm then I am happy with this.

OP posts:
Seracursoren · 02/08/2020 20:05

Mine head up around 9.30 - 9.45pm they are 17 and 14. They are up in the morning naturally around 7.30am. They don't have any devices after they go up, they do face washing, teeth brushing and reading before bed.

Dh and I go up around 10.30pm.

Unless your children are making a lot of noise when your Dh has gone to bed then he is a sneaky, devious bastard to go behind your back and make everyone go to bed early just because he has to be up early.

I am a SAHM, so every holidays, myself and the teens are off school, Dh (before covid) was up at 6am. He never expected us to be up too.

LovingLola · 02/08/2020 20:05

I feel so sorry for your children.
Your husband is a bastard.

2pinkginsplease · 02/08/2020 20:05

From the age of 15 we’ve let ours decide their own bedtimes. I do ask that they are in their rooms by 10.30 on a school night and 11.30 weekends and holidays but they can watch films or message their friends, we don’t remove their devices from the age of 15 however we do random spot checks on them.

Seracursoren · 02/08/2020 20:06

Cross posted. I agree it is a life skill to recognise when you are getting tired and working out how much sleep you need.

TokyoSushi · 02/08/2020 20:06

DS is 9 and is currently going to bed at 10pm and has been for most of the COVID period. We'll move it back to 9pm in time for school, but that's very early for a 15 year old!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 02/08/2020 20:06

Your DH is completely unreasonable and unless there’s a huge backstory sounds like a spiteful control freak.

shinyredbus · 02/08/2020 20:06

I went to bed earlier as a 15 year old - but that’s because I wanted to. I was given the choice.

Oneborneverydecade · 02/08/2020 20:07

DS1 is 14 in 2 months. He loses his xbox controller and laptop when we go up between 10 and 10.30pm. His phone switches off at 11pm.
Can your DS keep his light on and read or is he literally expected to sleep at 9.30pm?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 02/08/2020 20:07

Surely your son is old enough to know when he needs to go to bed?!

Your DH is a bit of a twat

QuestionMarkNow · 02/08/2020 20:08

During the lockdown, I had one dc (16yo) with no work at all, the other (15yo) with homework etc... DH Working form home and me finishing my MSc.
Everyone went to bed when they wanted and got up when they needed.

I would assume that by that age, my dcs are able to handle how much sleep they need and when to go to bed. I dint have any ‘devices off’ rule either, despite having been very strict about it for a very long time (and much longer than their friends).
DH was the first one to get up. No way he would have said that everyone had to be in bed early because he had to get up Confused
I was and still am one one of the people that gets up the latest (with dc2). Because that’s what works for me.

Your DH is massively unreasonnable.

Original poster
RhodaCamel · 02/08/2020 20:09

I should add that dh is a lovely person, we have been together for 30 years and he is a great husband and father and in those 3 decades he has never been controlling at all. We were brought up differently, his parents were quite strict, mine weren’t so much and he thinks his parents brought him up well, I believe the same of mine, neither of us are wrong our parents just had different approaches to parenting and we as a couple need to come to a compromise over this as we don’t usually have issues co-parenting.

OP posts:
QualityFeet · 02/08/2020 20:10

Yeah our seven year old is up later and I expect my 14 year old to be going to bed around midnight - half past. He isn’t meant to leave any lights on / food out if I have gone first.

RB68 · 02/08/2020 20:10

Remind DH that in just 3 yrs he will be going for a pint with him before a visit to the polss to vote....

Its way to early and too restrictive. HOWEVER it depends - if its rooms by 9.30 lights out 10.30 and respect for the fact DH has gone to bed to sleep for work so it must be kept low key no gaming chatting with friends etc.

Unless this is sorted you run th risk of alienation

QualityFeet · 02/08/2020 20:10

Your dh sounds like a thief of joy who is also stealing any chance of a good relationship with his child.

Rosebel · 02/08/2020 20:11

So what if he has to get up early? That's not your children's problem, they don't need to get up so I don't understand your husbands attitude.
My 14 year old stays up to around 11 in the holidays although is often in her room by 9:30. My 12 year old stays up until 10 but is usually in her room earlier.
Tell your husband not to undermine you (although you should have discussed the later bedtime with him first) and to stop being so unreasonable.

Iwantacookie · 02/08/2020 20:13

My teens normally arent even back at that time.
At 15 they need to start controlling their own bedtime.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/08/2020 20:13

My 15 yo has to be off screens by 1030 - he's autistic and not able to self-regulate this, he'd stay on all night if he could. Then it's usually a bit of a chat with us and upstairs, he can actually go to bed when he likes as long as he's off screens and respects any other people wanting to go to bed earlier.

That said, my DH is also a bit funny about teen bedtimes. I think we really have it easy with DS but he can't see that.

Brefugee · 02/08/2020 20:13

your DH is being a controlling arse. It's good for teenagers to learn how to regulate their own sleeping, as pp said it's a really good life skill. And right now when there isn't really so much pressure about getting up, is a good time to learn it.

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2020 20:14

I should add that dh is a lovely person, we have been together for 30 years and he is a great husband and father and in those 3 decades he has never been controlling at all.*

Presumably because no one has made a decision against him.

This is not the action of a lovely person and it is controlling

And it wasnt about being strict the way he said it.

And now you are telling your son to go against his Dads clearly irrational view point

Hidingtonothing · 02/08/2020 20:15

Your DH sounds like my Grandad OP, he dictated everyone's bedtime (including my Nan's) because he was 'the man of the house'. Slightly (although only just) more forgivable in someone born in 1915 but really not acceptable nowadays. I agree with PP's, stick up for your kids on this one, your DH is being a dick.

katy1213 · 02/08/2020 20:16

Surely at 15 you decide your own bedtime. And unless they're sitting on the end of your husband's bed with their devices, what possible impact can it have on him getting up for work?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 02/08/2020 20:17

I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous- than your DH that is!

I agree 15 is old enough to be trusted to go to bed when they need to - at least until they prove themselves untrustworthy by staying up all night on devices or similar. Especially in the holidays. How mean spirited of your DH. Maybe if they were disturbing him but otherwise not.

I do make my Ds who is 6 go to bed at a fairly normal time when it’s the holidays but I’m still working, but that’s because he’s 6 and I have to put him to bed!

VeeDubber · 02/08/2020 20:18

I should add that dh is a lovely person, we have been together for 30 years and he is a great husband and father and in those 3 decades he has never been controlling at all

And I'll bet that's only because up until now he's never had a teenager who is starting to find his own feet and disagree with him.

Ask your DH to explain to you why "it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed" because he has to be up at 6.30?

I, for one, would love to hear his explanation as to how and why that's fair.

starrynight19 · 02/08/2020 20:18

If you and dh don’t normally disagree over parenting then I guess there is a reason you posted this.
It seems overwhelmingly your right to question him.
Can you sit and discuss this with him ?
A bedtime of 9.30 is very early for a 15 year old. You sound like you have lovely children who respect the bedtime limits. It’s understandable they think it’s very early and it is.
I have three teens and they have all made bedtime decisions for themselves in the holidays.
Rules for school days. It’s worked for us , maybe your at a time where your dh needs to let things go a little.

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