Teen bedtime - is DH being unreasonable?

[RhodaCamel]

Ds is 15 in two months time.
During the lockdown even though the kids were off we stuck to the school bedtimes, so all devices off by 9.30 and in bed by 10.
Obviously it’s now summer half term and I am a bit more lenient than dh and have said bedtime can be a later and have said he can stay up till 10.30-11. However, dh and ds have just had a massive argument. Apparently dh has gone into ds bedroom and told him that as he (dh) has to get up at 6am for work then it’s only fair that ds (and dd 12) have all devices removed by 9pm for 9.30pm bed. Ds is really upset saying none of his friends are made to go to bed this early. Obviously some kids are allowed to stay up very late and whilst I don’t agree with this I do think dh is being harsh and feel we need to come to a bit of a compromise on these times.
So, just out of curiosity, what time does your teen go to bed?

By 13/14 I would expect children to be able to self-regulate so I certainly wouldn't be telling an almost 15 yo that they had to go to bed at 10. My DS is 14 and he usually goes up to bed arund 930/10but he doesn't go to sleep. I completely trust him to go to bed when he needs to. He knows he schedule and if he has to be up early he will ensure he has a reasonable sleep, if he doesn't have to be up specifically he may go to sleep later and get up when he fancies. I would expect him to be considerate of course as DH has to get up at 3am for work.

Self regulation is a very important skill to have.

My mum used to insist my light was off when she came to bed when I was that age. I remember lying awake for hours some nights as I couldn’t get to sleep. Just because she was tired, didn’t mean I was! I never understood why at the time, but I can see now that she is quite controlling and likes everything done her way.

I honestly have no idea what time dd turns her light off at the moment. Anywhere between 10.30 and 12.30 I think. She has nothing to get up for and will get back in to a routine once she is back at school. I was waking her up between 9.30-10 when she had school work to do, but now it’s the holidays, she can sleep in if she wants to. It doesn’t affect my life in any way, what time she sleeps, as long as she has enough Sleep, does a bit of exercise, does some jobs around the house and does something Practical or to exercise her brain (music practice/sewing/baking) I’m happy.

What does it matter when your husband has to get up?
My 15 year old can't last much beyond 10pm and takes herself off to bed then or even earlier. On school nights by 9.30 for sure. She doesn't do social media and she goes to sleep then.
My son stays up later. But he is always up in the morning when he needs to (he has a summer job and likes to go to the gym first), so I let him judge it himself. I may remind him at midnight (when I usually head up) that he should go to sleep if he's still awake but he has to deal with the consequences if he doesn't.
I do think 15 is a bit old to be taking their phones off them.

She should get earplugs if he wants to sleep
And 15yo should decide himself when he should go to sleep imo.

My bedtime was nine o’clock until about 15 then 10 if something special on tv.

Your dh is being massively unreasonable. 15 yr old will need to be allowed to self regulate. He may next year stay up studying for gcse past 9.30 if hes a night owl. Mine did and he will need phone / online access for this. Maybe ask DH how he expects this to work. Also if he stops studying he will need down time before bed to relax. Discuss with DH and ds some basic rules like being quite if dads on an early shift etc. Dh needs to realise that by 15 or 16 school.and college treat them.as adults he needs to too.

My 14 yo goes to bed after dh. Usually about midnight at the moment. When/if he goes back to school it will be earlier because he’ll be tired and will have early starts. He’s very good at self-regulating and knows to be quiet once the 12 yo and dh have gone to bed (10ish).

I feel sorry for your kids

By 15 my DS managed his own bedtime, he was pretty good as he loves his sleep so usually in bed by 10.30 on a school night and later at weekends. I'd only intervene if he was disturbing the rest of us, or his choice was impacting his school work etc. Even then I'd just advise and not tell him what to do

I don't know where people get the idea that all teens automatically stay up till 3am if giving free reign. If they have been given a bit of freedom they tend not to abuse it. My DS usually goes to sleep about 11ish I think, sometimes closer to midnight. Occasionally I may remind him if he has a long the next day but he really is a night owl so I am not going to force him to go to sleep at 930.

14 year old about 11:30

Maybe midnight. Not like he has anything to do I'm at work so hes alone all day.

at 15 i allowed my son to decide when he went to bed, school nights he was usually asleep by 11pm, during holidays he would stay up for hours usually playing some game online, when i went to bed he plugged in his head phones so i was not disturbed, your husband is being VU and treating your son like a child...back up your son

My 2 teenagers self regulate, your husband is bein a twonk

I have to go to work at 6am,my DD doesn't We go upstairs at the same time but when she goes to sleep us her choice as is when she gets up.

DD13 (nearly 14) has been responsible for her own bedtimes for well over a year. We have expectations that she always gets up for school on time and if we have plans she is there and ready. I can honestly say she hasn't let us down once.

She goes up to her room anywhere from 8-11pm as that's where she has her favourite stuff and her own space. She usually appears around 11-12pm to say good night. I have no idea what time she goes to sleep. Throughout lockdown, she was always up and at the desk by 9:30am. She worked solidly until all school work was complete. I couldn't be prouder.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have a perfect teen. She dumps her washing on the floor, she never picks up after herself and until recently we had to force her to shower. But here's what I notice. The more responsibility we give her, the more she thrives. She can cook, bake, wash her own clothes and most importantly she takes responsibility for her own plans. We never take away devices but she is not allowed to lock us out of them nor turn of location services.

OP, treat your kids with respect and trust (and allow them to fail) and I believe you will be rewarded.

And yes, DH is BU

Same as others- teenage dc responsible for themselves. Very occasionally they stay up very late, but usually in bed by 11 and often earlier. I tend to remind them they have an early start if necessary but that’s it

I'm probably going against the grain but my 14 1/2 year old has an 8. 30 warning to finish off whatever & up to bed never later than 9 school days. Weekends 9-9.30. 10 on the odd occasion. No devices or TV upstairs.

My only just 12yo goes to bed at 9:30 in the holidays with the aim that he is actually in bed and ready for sleep at 10pm. Although DH and I went up with him at 9:50 and watched a bit of telly in bed ☺

Wow tinythumbelina, that is very early for a 14.5 yo. How will they ever learn how to self regulate their sleep? Teenagers need to learn responsibility, they are notoriously crap at it without practice! They don't just suddenly get that skill when they turn 18.

12 yos going to bed at 930/10 is very different to 14/15 year olds, that'spretty reasonable. By 14/15 they should be starting to take responsibilty for all sorts of parts of their lives, 12 they are still children, there is a huge change from 12-14. I was quite shocked, it almost feels overnight.

I don't really understand what his wake up time has to do with DS' bed time? I mean, if he's banging around and waking the whole family up at 6am, then sure, perhaps there's a need for an earlier bed time. But I'm struggling to see the issue he has here? DH got up this morning at 7:15. He brought me a cup of tea before he left at 8:30. The kids woke up at 9ish.

And 9:30 is ridiculous for a 15 year old. DD is 5. Sleeps a minimum of 11 hours a night and is usually in bed by 8 during holidays, and 7:30 during term time. But she stayed up twice last week - once when we had dinner with my sister and her family and once when her and DH decided to watch a movie. Admittedly, she then slept in the following mornings AND is easy to put to bed a bit earlier the next night if necessary. But really, to be this worked up about a 15 year old's bedtime is just plain weird.

My father behaved similarly but it was r/t what time us children got up in the mornings during summer breaks. Was ridiculous as we weren't getting up extremely late in day it was getting up at 830/900 am vs when he was up and headed out the door. We were not old enough for paid jobs and were good kids.We usually stayed up for Carson/Leno/Letterman. I think your view is far more reasonable

I feel sorry for your son. Having his phone taken off him each night at 9pm is just plain weird!! You both realise he's going to be able to go out drinking in just 3 years don't you. He needs to start learning how to be an adult, starting with his parents treating him like one.

My 9 ye old has more freedom than that.