To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

How long have you been married, and how on earth has this not come up before now?

this is about more than just a pension plan though, isn't it. This is a marriage-load of resentment building for years and I think relationships have been ended for far far less.

That said, I am in your husbands position. I have no pension, no savings and no plan for old age! I hope my fella still likes me in the years to come!

If you left him, as in divorced him, your pension is part of the pot of assets so wouldn’t he be entitled to a share of it?

I’m amazed you’ve never discussed this before. How can you go decades of marriage without talking about money and retirement and your plans for the future?! We talk about that stuff often.

Have you never discussed this before? If he has an accountant, I am amazed he has not been advised to contribute to a pension.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. Marriage or any kind of serious committed relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship or a welfare state. Looks like far from being a gold digger, you are his meal ticket.

Does he have any plan for his future even if not a pension eg. Downsize and spend the house equity?

For richer for poorer

I know exactly what my husband’s pension provision is, and he mine. I have no idea how this has come out of nowhere for you, with him aged 68.

I get that you might have assumed when you were young and not thinking about retirement... but he’s actually already state pension age 🤷🏻‍♀️

Crackers!

Do you have decent pension provision?

I’ll be carrying my husband financially in retirement - but I’m well aware of it.

How did you not know this before he got to 68?!

You might want to leave him for other reasons, but not having a pension seems like a horrible reason to leave someone. I wouldn’t accuse him of being the only person to make poor choices here. If it was that important to you then surely you should have talked about it long before now.

YABU but only because it has somehow escaped you for his long that he has no provision. How on earth did you not know htat?

This situation is 50% your responsibility. Dh has no pension because of a financial disaster. I don’t have one either. That is my problem and I think you either have to think “we’re in this together” even if it’s for “the worse” bits of the vows, or divorce and still be on state pension.yourself.

His stupidity will now have a huge impact on your life. I would leave him to his own miserable old age.

I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t pay anything into a pension for all those years. How did he expect to live in old age?

I’d rather someone left me if they only wanted me for my money.

Presumably he’s never supported you and you’ve always paid 50/50 of everything given your stance on him retiring?

I am now starting to worry that I have never really thought about this before and in our 15yr marriage, OH and I have never talked about it! I am nearly 40 and wouldn't know where to start. My income is just pin money really to do stuff with the kids so I don't make enough to put lump sums into savings or anything either.

Leaving someone because they don’t have a pension! Shallow or what?

What happens to the marriage vows for richer or poorer?

Another one here who is shocked that you didn't know. Surely you've discussed retirement and plans for later life at some point during your marriage.

Has he been lying about a pension previously or have you just always assumed he was paying into one? I'm baffled that he's got to the age of 68 without you knowing this!

You’re not unreasonable to leave him btw - you can do that, any time - any reason. But you are unreasonable to have a 68 year old husband with whom you have planned out retirement finances years ago.

Is there a dripfeed here?

@garbagegirl you start off by finding out what type of pension your husband has, what’s it worth, what it pays to beneficiaries (if anything) and whether you are the named beneficiary.

Apart from the recent grumpiness, Is he otherwise a good husband? Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?
I can’t imagine leaving a spouse due to this issue alone tbh, our vows say for richer for poorer for better for worse. But if you when other issues then maybe..

His stupidity will now have a huge impact on your life. I would leave him to his own miserable old age

Unfortunately OP would only be taking half the assets. DH could be benefiting from half of her pension on divorce

Do you love him?

Yabu. Retirement provision is the responsibility of you both.

Thank you for all your comments. To answer a few of the questions you have asked.. I am in my late 40's and have reasonable pension provision, though I will not be cruising the Caribbean for extended periods.
We rent our house so downsizing and releasing equity not a possibility.
We have been together 14 years. I was extremely naive in the beginning regarding finances and have only really got my act together over the past 3-4 years.
I also (again naively) didn't think that I should be checking his retirement pot. For this the blame lies solely with me.

It sounds like the pension is a red herring tbh. In a caring relationship I don't think you would want your partner to "work until they drop" to maintain your lifestyle. Equally, in a caring relationship partners recognise they have to act in a way that provides for your shared future, and I totally get why you are passed off that your dh didn't get a pension while you did and now you are stuck with the negative consequences.

I wonder if the bigger problem is the grumpy, unreasonable behaviour and the lack of care to you he is showing?