To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

Why does he not have a pension from his current employment?

Won't he get half your pension if you divorce? So you'd be worse off. Especially when you consider the age gap.

I'm in a similar situation. DH late 50s and no pension. I'm mid 40s and a good pension. Can't say I've every thought about divorcing him because of it.

Sorry, cross post - I see he opted out!

and you think divorce will help where you split up with your pensions ? Tell me how that works.

If you divorce him he'll get some of your pension anyway.

Why have you thought of leaving him before?

That's the key.

Because yes if your marriage is already rocky for lots of other valid reasons then yes I'd consider leaving, asap, before you go any further. Because once the scenario you see ahead happens, you'll be SO resentful of the situation that it will be awful, you'll probably split anyway.

I can see exactly why you're furious btw. That effectively by marrying someone younger, he will indeed have 'got off scott free' - he'll get to have saved nothing/planned nothing for the future and will simply hand you the responsibility of funding the family/home etc while he will, inevitably, sit in the garden 'retired' all day whil holding his hands up and saying 'well what can I do now'. Your standard of living will drop and presumably you'll feel the extra pinch of having to consider working later in life and just have nothing coming in from him.

It does feel very disingenuous. I wonder whether he would have been so happy to not even think about some saving or pension provision if he didn't have a wife in her 40s with a pension that he could look at smugly and think 'I'm all right Jack'!

This will really corrode things and you cannot spend 20 years resentful. So, again - what other things make you not wish to continue? They're the key. Can you get over this because when the chips are down you DON'T want to lose this good man, or is it something you can't live with?

14 years - how long married? Kids? That's the other thing. He'll get something from you I'd think, not sure about pension, it would depend what other assets there are.

A major factor here is the 20 year age difference surely. ?

Did the pair of you never really discuss the fact that he'd be retiring at a point where you still had another 20 years of working life ahead of you.

He's already worked 20 years longer than you have OP.

I'm a big fan of spreadsheets. In your circumstances I would do a financial income and expenses projection for however many years it will be between him retiring and you retiring. Then sit down and discuss it. Could he take a part-time job in retail or something similar to boost the joint income pot, once he has retired ? After all, you'll be out at work all day and it might be great for keeping social instead of endless "pipe and slippers" time at home.

Are you sure he even has full state pension?

You say he was long time self employed - how many years of NI has he declared to HMRC and paid up?

This may be worse than you think and could be the reason that he is still working and appears to be attempting to be fired. To receive job seekers.

People of his age (and maybe @Champagneforeveryone) have probably spent a lot of their working life assuming that the state pension would be enough to keep them.

If you divorce him now, he will be entitled to part of your pension contributions for the duration of your marriage.
He doesn’t necessarily have to retire at 68 if he gets sacked, there are loads of jobs he could do.
If you don’t want to be supporting your husband financially in his old age, while you are still young and working, I guess you should do something about it now.

You sound like you think the relationship has run its course and you don’t want to financially support a pensioner for the next 20 years or so.

Frankly if there are not upsides to the relationship that are greater than the financial burden placed on you, it might be easier to split up now, rather than when he has actually retired.

@PicsInRed

Are you sure he even has full state pension?

You say he was long time self employed - how many years of NI has he declared to HMRC and paid up?

This may be worse than you think and could be the reason that he is still working and appears to be attempting to be fired. To receive job seekers.

He won't get job seekers' at age 68.

OP is he employed or self-employed?

Givingup please don’t accept any advice from random strangers on an anonymous Internet forum. You need to find a decent IFA who will discuss your financial permission and needs.

I am a finance professional and am not authorised to give investment advice.

You're only late forties, I'd still divorce him asap if you are going to regardless of him getting some pension - he would presumably NOT be getting rights to any more of it than earned while you're together. Plus assets, kids in the mix (?) - he might well understand that he's better taking what there is to split in cash as to be blunt he's that much older , it will do him more good now. I'd fight him like crazy on everything though. Do you own your home and have dependent children?

Financial position

He will be entitled to your pension on divorce though? Divorcing for this alone makes no financial sense.

@ElsieBeard thanks for that, I didn't even know you could check! I have always paid my national insurance and am eligible to the full state pension.
We have equity on the house (joint mortgage) and we are aiming to have the mortgage paid off before we are 60.

You are both as bad as each other, he for not addressing the issue, you for not checking.

If you are paying a pension every month, surely when you throw a cursory glance over your payslip and see the pension contribution figure, it would serve as a reminder to question your future.

Marry in haste and repent at leisure. Did you not even think to ask before marrying him?!

You're kind of stumped now though because if you divorce he's entitled to some of your pension.

I think you have to take some responsibility here for not finding stuff out before marrying.

He won't get job seekers' at age 68.

You're quite right. Even more horrifying.

I'm confused. Surely if he's at least 20 years older than you, then you have always known he would retire way before you did so how earth did you not know he has no pension.

I know it sounds callous but I wouldn't want to work to fund someone sitting at home all day who has made bad financial decisions. it shows a distinct lack of foresight and intelligence and I think I'd be too resentful. He should have sorted this out years ago and it's very telling that he didn't.

@Givingup123456

Whilst pensions are being discussed. Can anyone recommend a private pension plan please

That’s a bit like asking someone to recommend a hairstyle.

Start with the Which pension pages. If you’re starting with small amounts, you can probably pick a product yourself by reading. If it’s larger amounts, you really need a financial adviser.

www.which.co.uk/money/pensions-and-retirement

All the time you have been married, have you had a reasonably good standard of living, enough money, etc? That counts for a lot. Not everyone can have it both ways. When you are retired you will be able to claim for some things if you don't have enough to manage but that, of course, depends on what you get in pension.

There are ways around this sort of thing.

He was self employed for years, employed now.

Can anyone explain why he would be entitled to half of my pension if I'm not entitled to it yet? (genuine question, this would have no effect on any decision I made)
We have one DS who is 16, he is mine but legally adopted by DH.

I think that it is U to leave your husband just for that reason if the marriage is otherwise good. You should not be seeing your dh as your meal ticket. However, the fact that you have only just found out now suggests either that he has been keeping things from you, or that you have always been living separate lives to some extent, and never discuss things with each other. Either of these would bring the strength of the marriage into doubt.