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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH over lack of pension

417 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:12

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 29/07/2020 11:26

My friend and husband broke up for other reasons and she has to pay him a % of her pension or make a one off lump payment to support her ex husband.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2020 11:27

Have you only just met and married him or has he been lying to you?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/07/2020 11:27

For richer for poorer

I think that depends a lot on the person's input.
My uncle gambled away all his family's savings, and couldn't hold down a steady job - should his wife have been stuck with him, impoverishing herself and her DCs, because of a promise she made 25 years earlier.

If he's worked hard but at a low income and at 68 he's over it, that's hardly surprising and I don't think it's necessarily fair to cut him loose now, you knew this was coming. If he's spent what he should have saved, not worked and is now ready to live comfortably off you as a meal ticket, or there's a lot more backstory (sounds like there is) then maybe it's a good time to reassess.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2020 11:28

X posted

To be honest, you look like you're looking for an excuse to divorce him.

Figgygal · 29/07/2020 11:31

Sorry you rent at the moment what is your plan for housing in the future what was his plan?

That’s quite an age gap sounds like he’s turning into an old man and will be expecting you to pick up the slack in the future

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 11:32

If you're going to do it, you better do it whilst he has a job or your could find yourself paying spousal maintenance.

Any joint children?

Madlollyoftheshire · 29/07/2020 11:32

Presumably he is now employed, as you talk about your husband being furloughed and “his employer”, in which case he will have some sort of pension from this employer. Have you looked into how much this will be?

Lazypuppy · 29/07/2020 11:32

I would be so angry if this was my partner, he needs to be sorting something out to add to his income, or he better get used to living off his state pension, i wouldn't be subsiding him form my income.

However, me and my partner have never shared finances so this wouldn't be out of the blue

Cryalot2 · 29/07/2020 11:33

To leave over the lack of a pension does sound extreme.
Do you love him? Are you happy together?
There has to be more to it than the lack of a pension.

ElsieBeard · 29/07/2020 11:34

@garbagegirl

I am now starting to worry that I have never really thought about this before and in our 15yr marriage, OH and I have never talked about it! I am nearly 40 and wouldn't know where to start. My income is just pin money really to do stuff with the kids so I don't make enough to put lump sums into savings or anything either.
such as it is you can start with the stare pension. .register at hmrc and they will quote how much you will be entitled to and how many years you still need to pay into it for a full pension.
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/07/2020 11:34

You can leave him any time you want. Presumably you signed up for the whole richer or poorer thing, so what’s changed? Has he lied to you about pensions up to now? Has he frittered away money despite your protestations? Has he dropped to part time when you couldn't afford it? Or has he just never earned enough to pay for a pension?

My DH who is older than me doesn’t have a pension. He hopes that investments he has will pay an income in retirement. If they don’t, I’m expecting that my wages/pension will have to support us both. I wouldn’t divorce him because his financial planning didn’t work out. I might if he’d gambled it away.

Original poster
Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:35

Some of the assumptions made here are not actually true.
I don't want him to work until he drops to maintain our lifestyle. I mean I'm resentful our lifestyle will have to change for the worse while I work harder and he effectively gets off scot free with his bad choices. I've already said that he will not be able to "work till he drops"
I love him and he is a good (if not an easy) man. I've always known he's hopeless with life admin so I'm at fault for not going into this in more detail earlier on. But I didn't and that's the situation I'm in now.

OP posts:
Thehop · 29/07/2020 11:37

This is hugely unfair on you

zigaziga · 29/07/2020 11:39

But how would that make you better off?

unfortunateevents · 29/07/2020 11:40

You admit you knew he was hopeless with life admin and yet it has taken you 14 years to discover his pension situation! Presumably it cannot be a surprise to you that his plan is to work until he drops (or have you just discovered this now?), did you not at any point discuss retirement age, plans for the future etc? Also you say that you didn't think you needed to check his pension pot, you are married, it's not just "his" now is it? Just as your pension provision is not just yours!

Original poster
Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:40

madlolly he opted out as he was of an age where he was able to do so.

testing there are no investments. He has earned reasonable money but spent unwisely. He dropped to part time without consulting me (a whole other thread) but realistically he was physically unable to continue working full time.

OP posts:
Givingup123456 · 29/07/2020 11:40

Whilst pensions are being discussed. Can anyone recommend a private pension plan please

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/07/2020 11:40

Think you’re being unfair OP, you didn’t seemingly save for a house or a future plan yourself.

CayrolBaaaskin · 29/07/2020 11:40

You’ve been together 14 years- have you always contributed equally? If not, it’s really hypocritical to divorce him now that he understandably wants to retire. He would have been well into his 50s when you got together- why did you both not have any plans for the future?

I think it does effectively mean you’re a “goldigger” if you’re happy to stay with him when he’s paying the bills but leave him when it’s your turn. If you divorce he will get half the assets (including your pension) so you should bear that in mind.

zigaziga · 29/07/2020 11:40

Divorcing him, I mean. Won’t your pension just go into the assets to be split?

Notcrackersyet · 29/07/2020 11:41

Were you his pension plan?
As a previous poster said, best to get out sooner rather than later if you are thinking of leaving. Divorce will only get more expensive for you when his income dries up.

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 11:41

Do you think you could be finding yourself in a "nurse with a purse" situation OP? Have you been somewhat of a life manager for him and injected more cash - and now face years of supporting him financially and eventually physically with your labour and pension?

What do you mean he isn't "easy"?

burntpinky · 29/07/2020 11:41

You’d be buggered if you divorced as he’d likely get half your pension anyway

fairydustandpixies · 29/07/2020 11:41

How is he self employed, on furlough and at risk of being sacked??

feistyoneyouare · 29/07/2020 11:42

I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t pay anything into a pension for all those years. How did he expect to live in old age?

If he's mostly been self-employed he may not have been able to afford to pay into a pension at certain times, but that's just guesswork based on the fact that I'm self-employed and struggle to cover the bills some months, never mind pay into a pension.

Agree that it's very irresponsible of him not to have thought/talked about this much sooner, but leaving seems extreme unless there are other factors pushing you in that direction OP.