To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

@Champagneforeveryone

He was self employed for years, employed now.

Can anyone explain why he would be entitled to half of my pension if I'm not entitled to it yet? (genuine question, this would have no effect on any decision I made)
We have one DS who is 16, he is mine but legally adopted by DH.

because that is the law - spilt of all assets . Your pensions will be lined up on one side of a Form E and his on the other . That's how it works . I don't understand how you can't know this ? I suggest you clue yourself up on divorce.

Is there any chance of inherited wealth. ?

He can't claim his pension until you are at that age too

@Hamm87 Anyone can claim their pension when they reach pension age. How could this man possibly wait until his wife was 67? he'll most likely be dead then.

I'm shocked you have never discussed this and he's 68?! If you've been together 14 years he was already 54 when you met how did it not pop up in conversation?

My brother was married for 14 years and a proportion of his pension (which is a decent pension as he's paid into it since he was 21 and has been planning to be able to retire before 60) will go to his ex wife once he retires. Can't remember the detail, but I remember his outrage at it at the time. So getting a divorce won't help you keep everything for yourself I'm afraid.

If you marry someone much older the chances are you'll still be working after they retire (unless their pension is big enough to keep you too, I guess you'd be fine with that setup!). So I don't really understand your surprise, did you hope to retire at 48 or something or for him to continue to work until he's 80? Surely you realised a 20 year age gap would mean you don't retire together?

I'd say divorce now. You've only been married for 14 years and as I understand it it will only be the part of your pension you've saved during those 14 years that he will have any entitlement to.

Get it over and done with now, while you're relatively young, then find a way to fill the gap his award will have cost you as quickly as possible, because with pensions it's not just how much you put away but how long it has to grow. So my plan would be to divorce, find secure affordable accommodation for me and my DS, then aim to make up the pension gap by going hard for promotion/ better paid work or taking on extra work for a few years.

Every single woman here, married or not, needs to look after her own financial future. None of us has any idea what's around the corner. Some people get lucky with inheritances, some peoples' marriages are stable and prosperous to the very end, but the reality of retirement seems to come as a shock for those who haven't planned. I was talking the other day to a woman who in 2018 resigned from her job at 60 on the assumption that she'd get her full state pension. She'd never checked or taken advice and she was furious to find that a) she'd have to work to 66 to get the state pension and b) she hadn't worked enough years to qualify for the full amount. She blamed the government, not herself.

He won't necessarily have a claim on her occupational pension. It's not as cut and dried as that.

The value of her pension will be taken into account at the time of the divorce. The value could be offset by her getting a bigger sum of any other assets like savings OR if they owned a house by a bigger lump sum from the equity.

I'm sorry you're in the his position & I hope other women take note & learn from this. I used to be clueless about such thing,didn't start a job with a decent pension scheme until I was 40. From that point onward, every time I got a payrise DH said buy more pension. I managed to get a decent enough pension to retire at 60. DH was clued up about pension fortunately but had no interest in money matters in general. He is quite happy to put all money in a communal pot & leave me to it. I know every detail of his pension & our state pensions which will be paid in a couple of years. So please, all women, get this information, understand it & save as much as you can, especially if you live in rented accommodation and will have to continue to pay rent after you retire.

Did he support the household in any way over the years? Or did you always earn and contribute the same amount to your lifestyle? Did you and your son benefit from his income?
If yes, you need to rethink how you look at this. It was your decision to marry someone (14-18 years?) older than you. What did you think would happen when he got to retirement age?

Sounds like you are his pension plan.

Has your dh contributed financially to the upbringing of your son? I'm assuming he has so on that basis alone I think you are unreasonable - it was fine when he was paying for your son but now you're moaning that he's going to be sitting around while you're working????

All the gold digger shite needs to stop. Previously they have both put in what they can (50/50 perhaps?) and lived a certain lifestyle. After retirement he will be putting in less so that lifestyle will change. Not because the op has done anything but because her OH has done something (well, done nothing really). In what world does being frustrated by that make her a gold digger? Some people need to give their heads a wobble

Op, honestly I would switch to proportional money. So you earn 2/3 of the household income, you pay 2/3 of the bills. He has 1/3 he pays 1/3. Then you both keep the rest if your income. He will end up with little or no pin money because he chose not to save it, you will end up with some pin money because you are earning it. Simple and fair reflection imo.

If anyone in this scenario is a gold digger I'd suggest it is him. When you got together amd he took on the responsibility of your child it would seem he was well aware he had no pension provision. He could have saved at that point. However he decided not to, possibly because you were younger and would be working longer so could fund his retirement for him. Add to that the fact he can never repay the favour as he is likely not to live to fund your retirement in return and has no assets to leave and it all seems suspiciously convenient and one way to me.

So he was good enough to adopt and take on your son from two years and now he’s 16 and won’t be a dependent much longer you want to walk away and keep what’s yours.

You'll get bashed for asking about leaving over his pension, but that clearly is not the only issue here.

First make a decision whether you want to stay and just suck up the resentments, or if you want to leave. If it's over you need to see a lawyer. He hasn't necessarily got a claim on your pension but you need to find out. Also you'll probably be in a better position if you file for divorce while he's still employed.

The best thing you can try and do now is plan ahead. Is he deferring his state pension now as that will allow it to build up a bit more over time. Can you agree he works for a few more years and both start putting some money into a pension now. Even a few years of pension planning will help. What about you - do you have a pension plan in place? If not, start investing in it as much as possible.

@Hamm87 is correct, the gov changed it so older partners can't get state pension whilst the spouse is working. Instead there is a joint universal credit claim set up which pays the retiree anything they are entitled to once the working partner earnings are taken into account.

At least that was the plan, I'm not 1000% certain if it is now in action or is coming up soon. Sadly the justified uproar about it all was cut short by Christmas/Brexit/Pandemic stuff.

All the PP suggesting OP is a gold digger, happy to live off her DH's income but wanting to leave now he can't earn anymore, are missing a crucial point. OP resents her DH for not making pension provisions. This means she will have to work harder in order for them to survive/ live comfortably. The issue is not that her DH is retiring whilst she continues working (due to the age gap). Had he made decent pension provisions, he and OP would be able to continue their lifestyle while he was retired. OP really isn't a gold digger...

And how exactly would you be better off single? With ONLY your income

Have you always worked full time and put in the same finance as he did to the family pot? Has he always earned a lot more than you or you more than him? More details are needed.

Maybe he wasn't able to make pension provision because he was supporting the family, which benefitted op and her son?

@JinglingHellsBells

He won't necessarily have a claim on her occupational pension. It's not as cut and dried as that.

The value of her pension will be taken into account at the time of the divorce. The value could be offset by her getting a bigger sum of any other assets like savings OR if they owned a house by a bigger lump sum from the equity.

He has no savings, and they rent. He will get a proportion of her pension pot.

Aside from the pension issues, I would have been concerned about marrying someone 20 years older as you know it is quite likely you would become a carer.

Just to clear up a few points on the pension on divorce position.

After 14 years overall asset split could be 50-50 especially as OP rents

In E&W the whole of the pension assets accrued are likely to form part of the overall asset pot rather than just pension earned in the marriage

It would not necessarily be the case that the pot was split 50-50. As the DH Is older, he could end up with a larger percentage as OPs proportion has longer to grow before she retires and his could come into payment straightaway to meet his income needs

Well in your shoes OP yes I would divorce if you no longer want to be married to him.

Your pension pot would be taken into account and yes, when you retire it is possible that a portion of that would be payable to him. However, given the considerable age gap he may be dead by then.

I do agree with PP that you have been incredibly lax in your financial planning.

A lot of men his age work part time. Any chance of that for him?

@PollyPelargonium52

Three days a week is part time.