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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH over lack of pension

417 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:12

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 29/07/2020 12:23

While you can leave for whatever reason you choose, I think YABU to decide now that this is an issue. He was well into his 50s when you got together so the damage was really already done before you met him. He can’t build a time machine!

I agree he’s been foolish but then we don’t know what his income or circumstance were earlier in his life. Lot’s of people don’t have a pension because they believe they can’t afford one so he’s not all that unusual. What is it you want him to do? You deny wanting him to work til he drops but he’s 68 now and it seems he’s feeling ready to retire. How long do you want him to continue to work?

It does come across like you haven’t been at all bothered about this while your comfortable lifestyle was being covered by two incomes but are now put out that you’ll be the sole earner. To me that seems unfair as given the age difference you must have realised he’d retire long before you.

Original poster
Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 12:23

No ickabog not a surprise, I just naively assumed he would have some sort of provision for his inevitable "sitting around".

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 29/07/2020 12:23

So he has no pension, no investments and neither of you own any property?
Have you both checked that you will get full state pension? This is a shocking position to be in at 68. Add to that going part time without asking you? Shocking.

AriettyHomily · 29/07/2020 12:24

If you were both relativlye similar ages this would have come to a head sooner. Is it more that now you realise you don't want to be married to a pensioner.

fflelp · 29/07/2020 12:24

you should not be seeing your dh as your meal ticket
The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home.

What on earth did you think was going to happen when you married a man 20 years older than yourself? When you got together in your mid 30s and he was mid 50s, did you not think... ok, but he'll be retiring when I'm late 40s and I'll still have to work for another 15-20 years? There was always going to come a time when he was retired and "sitting at home" and you would have to continue to work.

I see what you're saying from the point of view of him not having a pension and therefore being able to contribute less now to the household than when he was working. But you must have assumed (wrongly) that he had pension provision in place. This should have been discussed long ago. It's very hard as a self-employed person to pay into a pension.

You're saying you'll have a "diminished life" because of it but that's actually the reality for most people once they have retired. Unless they've been able to save an awful lot of money, have investments and a great pension scheme (few of those around), they will have to make cutbacks.
When you marry someone 20 years older than yourself this is going to become an issue for you 20 years earlier than it would have done if you married someone the same age.

I do think YABU because you should have considered all of this more carefully when you married him and the finances should have been discussed. You can't turn around now he's 68 and somehow expect him to keep on working and be angry at him for not having a pension. You've had 14 years to discuss this with him and make plans. Money could have been saved in those 14 years.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/07/2020 12:24

YABU. You should have discussed this throughout your marriage. It's not enough to say you assumed he had a pension.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 12:24

@CMMum88

My DM doesn't have a pension although will get state pension, we as her children are going to have to contribute towards keeping the house going in terms of council tax, maintenance etc because of it and it makes me grumpy but I'll do it because I dont want her to work herself into an early grave.
She will be able to get some help from the benefits agency which is not ungenerous.
Oly4 · 29/07/2020 12:25

This is 50% your fault for not sorting this out earlier. Leave him if you want but not because of his lack of pension

Ickabog · 29/07/2020 12:28

@Champagneforeveryone

No ickabog not a surprise, I just naively assumed he would have some sort of provision for his inevitable "sitting around".
So you thought about retirement, but never actually discussed the finances? Confused
dudsville · 29/07/2020 12:29

14 years, you love him and are angry. Can there be a way forward for you to stay in this relationship? At 68 if he's been doing a physical labour job I would be surprised he's still going and I think it would be reasonable for him to stop. The issue isn't that but that he hasn't got a pension. Would it help for him to do some work behind the counter of a local shop?

VanillaSpiceCandle · 29/07/2020 12:30

YANBU. If he has deliberately concealed or lied about the lack of pension that’s a massive issue and means you wouldn’t be leaving solely for lack of pension. If you’re thinking of leaving anyway then you will lose part of your pension so either way you’ll sadly be worst off. I think the main consideration is if you want to stay in the relationship or break up. Sorry.

VanGoghsDog · 29/07/2020 12:31

his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire

Why? That sounds like age discrimination.

He can do other jobs though.

But, on your main question, I couldn't live like this, having to support someone who had made bad decisions, many of which were before I met them.
If you have to split your pension with him (and he might not go after it, it's not a given that he would) you're better off doing it now while you've still got twenty years to make up the shortfall.

sammylady37 · 29/07/2020 12:31

Bollocks is she a gold digger, she wants to make sure that they both put in the effort to maintain as much of their lifestyle as they can - if anything he's a cocklodger? expecting her to pay for his lifestyle while not bothering to do anything about it

She absolutely is a gold digger. This lifestyle she’s going on about, he’s clearly been subsidising that and she’s been fine with that. But when he’s no longer able to, she’s off. It seems to be a surprise to her that someone 20 years older than her would retire 20 years earlier than her.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2020 12:31

I do honestly think he is entitled to retire at 68. He must be getting his state pension by now. Given his age I am utterly amazed that you've only just realised he has no pension provision. It's a bit late now to start planning his retirement when he has already passed retirement age.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 12:32

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

Sorry but if you have been married for 14 years and have only found out what your pension looks like (his pension ) then that's down to you not asking the right questions years ago.

vikingwife · 29/07/2020 12:33

I think this is very sad - considering he was apparently good enough of a person for OP to consider him fit to legally adopt her son & take him on as his own.

The 20 year age gap is significant, how does one go on for 15 years of marriage with no discussion or future planning for this ? I am dubious the OP has only suddenly discovered this...and if so, is she not arguably as fiscally irresponsible as the husband to not have planned for this?

She owns no property or large assets (as stated) apart from her own pension, so arguably they would have reached a problem due to renting at some stage. I can’t see how this man is a gold digger, if anything it sounds like the OP has benefited financially in this marriage too.

There had to be a point when the age gap factor would be an issue - the cynicism me is wondering if Op was assuming her husband would be more frail by now & closer to death than he actually is, so he is living longer than she expected. His usefulness is about done now....

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/07/2020 12:33

looks like far from being a gold digger, you are his meal ticket

Hell yes. It may not be the case but it looks a lot like, by marrying a much younger woman, YOU are his pension because he'll be able to live off your income. He's spent his money and now he wants to spend yours.

Given the age gap between you, I'd be getting some solid advice from a divorce solicitor before taking any further action. I don't know the laws surrounding pensions in such a situation but if it's the case that he can only claim against your accrued pension up to the date of the divorce - but not after - I'd be off quick smart now.

DoorstoManual · 29/07/2020 12:34

My DM failed to make provision for her old age, my sister and I support her to the tune of £100 every month, we on the other hand have good provision made for old age, so yes I resent it, added to which in two years my DH is retiring, so we are going to have a situation where the pensioner is supporting the pensioner. This is OK, because we should be ok, but if it weren't.......

To anyone reading this, who doesn't have anything sorted get it sorted. Don't kick the can further down the road, it will still be there when you get further down the road.

RB68 · 29/07/2020 12:36

Actually you are saying he is self employed then talking about an employer and being sacked - so what is his status??

vikingwife · 29/07/2020 12:37

Are people really believing someone who didn’t plan their retirement in their 50s married a woman with no assets & a son who he adopted as his responsibility forward planned his meal ticket for 20 years into the future?

Hamm87 · 29/07/2020 12:38

He can't claim his pension until you are at that age too

unfortunateevents · 29/07/2020 12:39

Actually you are saying he is self employed then talking about an employer and being sacked - so what is his status?? - OP clarified that he has been mainly self-employed during his working life but is currently employed (as an employee)

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 12:39

You don't seem to have brought much to the marriage in terms of finance yourself, OP.

Do you earn enough to fund a mortgage?

Have you savings?

It looks as if you manage day to day but renting after 14 years' marriage and he is 68....why?

Did you never talk about buying?

Between you both, was there not enough money to buy a home?

Why have you settled for renting?

You couldleave him but there will be no assets to share other than savings perhaps.

You will be on your own, you will need to earn enough to buy your own home if that's what you want, so you are not going to be any better off than if you were with him. You will need to work till you are 66/67 or longer.

How does that sound?

vikingwife · 29/07/2020 12:39

...or was this man a seemingly stand up person & hard worker who took on a single mother & adopted her son & has helped to provide them with what OP has said is a nice, middle class lifestyle in a good area. Who is the gold digger here again?