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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DH over lack of pension

417 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:12

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

OP posts:

CMMum88 · 29/07/2020 12:06

My DM doesn't have a pension although will get state pension, we as her children are going to have to contribute towards keeping the house going in terms of council tax, maintenance etc because of it and it makes me grumpy but I'll do it because I dont want her to work herself into an early grave.

sammylady37 · 29/07/2020 12:06

You are absolutely not unreasonable. Marriage or any kind of serious committed relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship or a welfare state. Looks like far from being a gold digger, you are his meal ticket

@Lobelia123

Quite. And it seems the op stayed with him (despite ‘thinking’ of leaving him many times) while he was earning and subsidising the lifestyle they currently have, and now that the prospect of retirement and a drop in lifestyle is imminent, she wants out. The very definition of a gold-digger. There isn’t much evidence of a partnership there, it seems to all be going one way.

Babyroobs · 29/07/2020 12:07

@burntpinky

You’d be buggered if you divorced as he’d likely get half your pension anyway

This exactly.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 29/07/2020 12:08

Bet you've been quite happy with the money he's been putting into the house so you can live in a wealthy area though haven't you ?

If you'd lived somewhere cheaper he may have had more money to think about his own pension, in fact the first thing I'd do is downsize to free up some money.........which you'll have to do anyway if you divorce.

Graffitiqueen · 29/07/2020 12:09

www.pensionwise.gov.uk/en/divorce#:~:text=Your%20pension%20should%20be%20included,be%20shared%20if%20you%20separate.

ThePants999 · 29/07/2020 12:10

Can anyone explain why he would be entitled to half of my pension if I'm not entitled to it yet?

He would be entitled to have half of your pension pot transferred to a pension pot in his name. Then, since he's old enough, he'd be able to withdraw from it.

Original poster

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 12:10

you should not be seeing your dh as your meal ticket
The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home.
I could reconcile myself to the situation if he acknowledged what he has done (or not done) and took some ownership of it, but he will not.

OP posts:

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 29/07/2020 12:11

Leaving would put you in a greatly better position right now as when you divorce all assets need to be split including any pensions you currently have in your name. And it sounds like there is nothing else so he will definitely go after it. So either way you will be supporting him. I guess you being late 40s means you still have another 20 years potentially to work and build up pension in your name only, so that is an advantage. Sounds like you're over the relationship so probably best to move on rather than been left carer and financial supporter of a man you dont really like.

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 12:12

He was self employed for years

Cash or declared to HMRC?
Was his paperwork in order?

NoProblem123 · 29/07/2020 12:14

Could he be lying to you about having no pension ?

MidnightCitrus · 29/07/2020 12:14

@sammylady37

@Lobelia123

Bollocks is she a gold digger, she wants to make sure that they both put in the effort to maintain as much of their lifestyle as they can - if anything he's a cocklodger? expecting her to pay for his lifestyle while not bothering to do anything about it

Erictheavocado · 29/07/2020 12:14

@PicsInRed

Are you sure he even has full state pension?

You say he was long time self employed - how many years of NI has he declared to HMRC and paid up?

This may be worse than you think and could be the reason that he is still working and appears to be attempting to be fired. To receive job seekers.

He won't get jobseekers allowance as he's already reached state retirement age. For someone of his age, it wouldn't be that unusual bit to have a private pension plan - I am considerably younger and even when I started work it wasn't common to even pay into a work pension. A friend of mine was really surprised to hear that both Dh and I have always paid into work pension schemes (public sector and banking sector) whereas neither her or her dh, working at a very high level in a huge global company even had the option of joining a work pension plan as it simply did not exist at that time. Even though they did eventually opt for a private scheme, she still reminds me how naive they were back then. So, it doesn't entirely surprise me that OP's husband has no private pension. It would concern me that he is still working and resentful of that when, in theory he could retire now. He might also be entitled to a slightly higher rate since he has worked beyond his entitlement age. So I would be questioning why not? Has he always paid his ni contributions? Or did he fail to pay as that would definitely affect any state pension entitlement.

UncleBillyLostHisWilly · 29/07/2020 12:15

you should not be seeing your dh as your meal ticket
The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home.
I could reconcile myself to the situation if he acknowledged what he has done (or not done) and took some ownership of it, but he will not.*

Well was it not always going to be like that? You working and he will be at home, you've got at least another 20 years till you can collect state pension, did you expect him to work till he's in his 80's so you could retire together??
Big age gaps would always mean you hit different milestones at different times.*

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/07/2020 12:15

You married a man 20 years older than you but are complaining that there will come a time they are "sitting around" while you work?

Iwonder08 · 29/07/2020 12:17

Blimey, He adopted your son so one would think he was nice enough before.. Is the pension provision the only reason why you want to leave him? If it is the case then practically you would loose more if you divorce as the assets will be split in half. As you said he doesn't have any money so everything you own will be split..

Redwinestillfine · 29/07/2020 12:17

If you didn't have this conversation before you got married then yes, this is as much on you as it is him. You need to adjust your expectations.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 12:17

@garbagegirl

I am now starting to worry that I have never really thought about this before and in our 15yr marriage, OH and I have never talked about it! I am nearly 40 and wouldn't know where to start. My income is just pin money really to do stuff with the kids so I don't make enough to put lump sums into savings or anything either.

At your age you are young enough to start to earn more and pay into a pension scheme. I didn't start paying in until I was older than you and now I'm retired, I am so pleased with my small monthly pension, as I was with the lump sum on retirement. It really does make a difference. Don't delay! It's nice to be independent.

Op, it all comes down to how much you love and value your husband and if he has been good, and generous, with you during your years together. It wouldn't bother me to share my income with my husband if he was a good person, that's what marriage is about and he would have shared with me. Also your man may have saved a bit and have a nest egg. He's obviously conscientious to still be working at 68, albeit part time. How much will it cost to renew his professional qualifications and could he free lance/act as a consultant for a few more years?

Don't compare yourself to other people who are better off, there are plenty worse off!

If you have, for example, a fairly big house, you could downsize (if no kids at home), and invest some of the profit. That's just a thought, I don't know your circumstances which you may have disclosed and I have not yet read.

Good luck.

Ickabog · 29/07/2020 12:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You married a man 20 years older than you but are complaining that there will come a time they are "sitting around" while you work?

Indeed. Surely this can't have been a surprise to you OP? You say you don't want him to work until he drops, but you also resent him "sitting around" whilst you work?

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/07/2020 12:18

I left someone over this. Well not just his lack of pension, but his total lack of interest in planning for the future. He also had a physical job. Whenever I would raise anything about pensions, savings, buying a house - anything that was in any way grown up, he would look like a glum fish and stay silent when I asked him how on earth he expected us to survive when we were older. It was soul destroying.

I don't think you'll be able to keep your whole pension to yourself if you split because you are married, but I would leave. You'll end up wanting to bury him under a patio.

Grobagsforever · 29/07/2020 12:19

Having read that you are 20 years younger, I'd leave him with bells on. You get one life and you don't want to spend it financially supporting and being a carer (possibly) to someone too selfish to see this an issue. You could easily waste your remaining best years working yourself to the bone and resenting him,

A cynical person would say he knew he was getting a pension cushion marrying someone 20 years younger.

MaggieFS · 29/07/2020 12:20

State pensions are pretty small. What's his pension forecast and will be even be able to contribute to the rent?

MiniCooperLover · 29/07/2020 12:20

Op if you rent where do you aim to live when you are both retired ?!

Pelleas · 29/07/2020 12:21

I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him.

Surely if your combined income drops, you will both be affected by your DH's choices?

YWNBU to leave him for any reason you think fit but I do think you should seek legal and financial advice before doing so.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 12:21

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You married a man 20 years older than you but are complaining that there will come a time they are "sitting around" while you work?

If he remains fit as many people do into their seventies and beyond, he may not be just sitting at home. He could do all the household duties, shopping, gardening, errands, etc and maybe even enjoy it! Or/and he could find some part time work that's easier than his current job.

Don't write the man off just because he doesn't have a pension. I am seventy and retired; when I was fairly young I can remember people being advised that it wasn't worth paying into pensions. That's not good advice now of course but a lot of people listened to that and behaved accordingly.

81Byerley · 29/07/2020 12:22

@Champagneforeveryone I hate to say this, but really your biggest problem looking ahead is that you rent. My husband and I were in a similar position in reverse, as in my first marriage I fostered and childminded (for a pittance) so I only have my state pension. My (now) husband had provided for his old age and had over the years paid into a few pensions, which now provide small sums. His first wife hadn't any personal pensions, but when she left him she was entitled to half of everything, including pensions.
We live fairly frugally, no foreign holidays, and have one car that is 7 years old now. We manage and even have the odd treat. But we both had mortgages when we met in 2004, managed to pay them off, and bought a house between us, no mortgage. If we had to pay rent we would never manage now.
My advice to you would be to go and see a solicitor and get out now. He's at the age where his health could suddenly go downhill. If he had a stroke and was unable to look after himself, you would have a real problem, because you might have to give up your job... then what would happen to your own provision for your old age?

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