To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

[talesfrommyancestors]

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

It depends. Are those parents living amicably together or are they having arguments, a lot of cold and tension etc? Do the parents want to teach the child that a loveless and unhappy relationship is ok?

Also, your own experiences aren’t all encompassing of separated parents. In my experience when a relationship ends one or both parents go a fair period of time between relationships. It varies from person to person, it’s not a “this is exactly what happens when parents separate” scenario.

It depends, doesn’t it? What constitutes loveless? A couple who are kind and considerate towards one another but not madly passionate?

My parents split up when I was 3. I do have some memories of the arguments and hostility before they did, and absolutely believe it was in everyone's interests for them to end a toxic relationship. I've maintained an amazing relationship with my Dad (who moved out and I saw twice a week) and my Mum separately. They have both been present together throughout my life at various important moments and have always put mine and my sister's happiness before any pettiness. My mum did date a little but both have remained single. I'm not sure if I would feel the same had they remarried etc but I really do support people beiny separate stable parents rather than toxic relationships continuing which can cause lifelong harm to all involved.

It’s not boggled but it does happen eventually most of the time and I think it’s something children don’t always think of.

It entirely depends on the circs.

My parents (and us) would have been much happier if they had split up 20 years ago and met other people. My entire childhood was punctuated with bouts of tension, verbal fights, one or the other leaving home, ruined holidays, family meals taken in silence for days on end because they weren’t speaking. There was never any abuse, but my parents are just two different people and would have been happier in different relationships.

We would have been happier if they had split up, even if that meant upheaval during our younger years.

My parents “stayed together for the kids” & I really wish they hadn’t- they had an awful relationship & I think it has affected my ability to know how to be in a loving, supportive relationship.

If the parents continue to live together and parent together in a supportive and amicable way, then most children would want their parents to stay together.

Absolutely disagree with you.

My ex and I split up when my DD was 9 months old, amicable split. Not only have we co parented we have also remained friends. I remarried when DD was 10 and she is very close to her step dad and step siblings. My ex DH and current DH are now friends. We have celebrated all of DD achievements together as an extended family.

DD is now 26 and if you ask her about her childhood she will bore you rigid with how happy she was and and what a great childhood she had. It is perfectly possible for children of divorced parents to have a really happy childhood but it does of course depend on the adults.

I have read too many threads on here and seen in real life the damage caused to children by living in a household where the parents are unhappy and sometimes as war with each other. I think any parents who believe their DC do not know what is going on in an unhappy household are deluded.

That sounds abusive to me bog

It depends on how unhappy the home is. If the parents can get along until the children are older without huge arguments, infidelity or a bad atmosphere, I do think that's prerfable to splitting, but if it's a horrible, unhappy or dangerous environment, a split is certainly better.

It depends but I think staying together where no abuse is better than splitting.

If both parents co parent well and remain single it’s very different to have new relationships, half siblings that change everything etc.

Id never want mine to have half/step siblings or a step parent as I’ve been there done that and it’s not something I would ever want to repeat.

@TheIckabog

It entirely depends on the circs.

My parents (and us) would have been much happier if they had split up 20 years ago and met other people. My entire childhood was punctuated with bouts of tension, verbal fights, one or the other leaving home, ruined holidays, family meals taken in silence for days on end because they weren’t speaking. There was never any abuse, but my parents are just two different people and would have been happier in different relationships.

We would have been happier if they had split up, even if that meant upheaval during our younger years.

Reading your post you could honestly be my sister.

Our lives would have undoubtedly been so much better if they had just left each other and found new partners. Instead we spent our entire childhood with a huge cloud hanging over us waiting for the next argument and pretending we were both asleep and we couldn't hear it.

I'm afraid I agree OP. Most children couldn't care less whether their parents are happy. They won't even notice.

Of course if there's violence or a lot of shouting, that's difference but parents who carry on and manage to be decent to each other, for the sake of the children but who feel unfulfilled in their relationship or that they could be happier elsewhere, the children would choose for them to stay together every time.

My parents stayed together til the day I hit 18, entirely because they didn't want to break up the family home. It was awful - their last 18 months together was like living in a war zone and I spent most of my teens wondering why they didn't just step up and leave one another because there was very little togetherness and happiness. We knew it was going to happen, we knew they'd divorce eventually, we knew it was all going wrong.

I wouldn't stay with someone I wasn't happy with - separating was the kindest thing my parents did for one another and for me, too. Ex and I separated when DS1 was very young. We've both moved on and married, we're both respectful, kind and honest, we co-parent as a team and DS1 is a happy, healthy, lovely teenager (mostly). I honestly believe we would have made one another incredibly unhappy if we'd tried to stay together. Walking away and maintaining a friendship so that we can raise our son happily was by far the best choice we could have made.

That does rather depend on their new partners, though doesn’t it!

The issue is clearly parents being selfish, whether that’s in or out of a relationship.

I split with ex husband 18 months ago. We moved out immediately and sold the house. I have a boyfriend who my 9 year old knows as my “friend” and has seen occasionally. She likes him. My ex is the same. A girlfriend who has met DD but isn’t a regular fixture. Neither ex-H nor I intend to live with our new partners. Ex-H and I get on much much better now we’ve split and are amicable and flexible with contact.

DD says she is happier like this. She certainly seems happier. The atmosphere at home was unpleasant and tense for the last year of our marriage. Friends and family on both sides have commented on how much more relaxed and happy she seems. Of course the first 6 months was tough but we were consistent in our messaging that we both loved her and it wasn’t her fault. We never slag one another off.

I think children can be happier if both parents can be consistent and put the kid first. Living with 2 people who don’t like each other must be tough!

My parents relationship wasn’t abusive. They just weren’t right for each other. Separated before I was 2. My mum remarried when I was 11. Happily married since. Yes I went on to have a difficult relationship with my father and have a half brother that I don’t see but that was down to my father. I’m glad I grew up with two parents who loved each other. I wouldn’t have wanted my parents to stay together for me because they wouldn’t have been happy and I think that would have impacted on my childhood.

I used to pray my mum and dsd would split up. The grinding misery was hard to bear as a child. I ended up resenting my ( blameless actually) mum.

Totally fucked me up and I have spent thousands in therapy.

I split from ExH I stayed single for six years ( I had been badly hurt in several ways) I built a strong stable home where our DD grew strong and independent, when I meet a new partner he was introduced slowly and now after four years we are moving in together. DD is happy and confident with DP.
My ExH jumped straight in a new relationship with other children and a complicated dynamic. There were no rules and the kids were virtually feral.
DD knows it was better that we split, she would be happier with two parents who had developed good independent relationships with her in a stable home before introducing a new partner. However, at 16 she is able to make choices - she does not visit the chaotic home meeting her Dad in coffee shops.
Parents need to think about how they behave post split to support their children.

YABU. You read posts on here all the time from people who wished their parents had split up.

It's all to do with how you act. I'm divorced, I'm very friendly with my ex husband so our DS doesn't suffer. I also will never have another man living in my home so that won't be an issue either.

It would have been way worse for DS if his dad and I had stayed together unhappily.

I don’t agree at all. Kids will definitely pick up on parental unhappiness and an unhealthy view of relationships will affect then for the rest of their lives.

I resent my mother hugely for staying with my father. And feel it’s a massive waste of both their lives. That’s quite a burden for children, to carry responsibility for their parents’ lives being unfulfilled.

Also an unhappy relationship always means an unhappy atmosphere.

When I was considering separating from my dcs’ dad I asked myself whether I would want my daughter in a relationship like this when she grew up. No, it would break my heart. My ex and I are still very good friends and coparent well. Neither of us have met anyone else and he still joins us on holidays and day trips sometimes. That’s much, much better than arguments and tension.

I can promise you that my children are much, much happier that their parents decided to split. They are visibly so much less stressed. Even their teachers have commented on it on the past.

I haven't rushed into another relationship - it's been seven years and I'm still single as I've no desire to get involved with a man ever again at this point, due to the effects of the relationship with my ex. I know that most people will meet someone else eventually, but that's not always a bad thing. My children love their stepmother and I think she's great too. No idea how she puts up with my ex, but having her there makes life much better when my kids visit their father. And I bite my tongue and do everything I can to be amicable with my ex, so they don't see conflict between us any more.

My own parents argued, sulked and sniped at each other throughout my childhood - and still do to this day in their late 70s. It had a massively corrosive effect on my mental health and messed my siblings up too. I've no doubt I got involved with my abusive ex due to having no idea when it was acceptable to leave a relationship. I watched my parents put up with each other's abusive crap for years and wouldn't wish that in my kids. We literally used to pray before bed at night that our parents would get a divorce!

I used to write a new home without daddy on my Christmas list every year. My childhood was hell. My parents hated each other. I can't remember most of my childhood, it is blank which my therapist says is a trauma response.

A friend grew up in a home where her parents never touched, or hugged, barely spoke. She has had unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship.

You model the relationship your children will see as normal when they grow up.

I am separated, so can't be unbiased here, but when exH and I were looking at this and trying to decide whether to live together as 'friends' or properly separate, I did a lot of reading about impact of divorce at various stages of children's lives, in terms of attachment, development etc.

Some of the things that helped sway us to separate when we did (DS was 8):

The impact of parents' divorcing doesn't stop when children become young adults. You can't have your child go off to university or whatever at 18, and not expect ending the marriage not to have a significant impact on them. They have so much upheaval in those years, I wouldn't want to add to it then by them realising their parents had been pretending for a decade.

You want your marriage to model a good relationship. DS would have seen parents who do not share a bedroom, are not affectionate, don't really touch. That's not great for his understanding of how relationships work.

So you could keep living together, but make it clear to any DC that it's not an "in love" marriage, but while you are still in the same house, the DC might still hold hope, and it could all get a bit confusing. If one of us did meet someone significant a few years down the line, then the separation of homes would have to happen then, which would just be putting of that situation.

I actually think calling quits on a marriage earlier, before it deteriorates utterly into loathing and resentment, might produce better outcomes for many couples. While some marriages can recover from years-long bad patches, from other people's stories as well as my own, it does seem that when the trouble starts, it generally heads in one direction. I think people should be less averse to relationship counselling as soon as issues start; this could help save relationships, but also can help end relationships constructively.