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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

302 replies

talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:05

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

OP posts:
WinnieLowCo · 27/07/2020 13:43

@talesfrommyancestors

I don’t think being in a dull relationship would be the worst thing that could happen to my son or daughter, any more than working in a dull job would be.
Are you depressed OP?
Lockdownfatigue · 27/07/2020 13:43

I don’t think being in a dull relationship would be the worst thing that could happen to my son or daughter, any more than working in a dull job would be.

It’s not the worst thing but that’s not a very high bar. Personally I’d like my dc to find more fulfilment in life than that. We only get one life, after all.

Original poster
talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:43

You can hide the thread if it’s upsetting you but I’m not going to stop the discussion because of that reason. Flowers

Self control wax, it’s a thing!

OP posts:
TinySleepThief · 27/07/2020 13:43

@talesfrommyancestors

I don’t think being in a dull relationship would be the worst thing that could happen to my son or daughter, any more than working in a dull job would be.
So you would honestly rather they stayed in an unfulfill, loveless relationship than find someone else to have a happy and fulfilling life with. I find that a staggering attitude for a parent to have of their child.

Its also not a myth that many children have suffered with the guilt of their parents having a miserable life so they could stay together. Its very shortsighted to think knowing they are only together because they had you wouldn't damage a child.

Alloverthegrapevine · 27/07/2020 13:44

A new partner is very often the worst thing that ever happened to a child. The parent may feel more fulfilled as a result but that doesn't necessarily follow for the children.

I think if you're going to argue that splitting because of general dissatisfaction (rather than abuse) is best for the children, you also need to recognise that if you're acting in the best interests of your children you're very likely to be single until they leave home. Of course there will be examples of where everything's worked out beautifully but introducing a new man is probably the single most risky thing a woman can do with her children.

Original poster
talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:46

Tiny, I think as with all things there is a weighing-up process involved but if you have children you need to be conscious it isn’t just your life and happiness that are important.

If you live with a man who doesn’t excite you but isn’t abusive and is a great father to his children then leaving him, becoming a single parent - and this has a financial consideration as well as the emotional upheaval - is not necessarily the way of finding true love and happiness. And even if you DO find it, your children may not agree!

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 27/07/2020 13:46

@talesfrommyancestors

I don’t think being in a dull relationship would be the worst thing that could happen to my son or daughter, any more than working in a dull job would be.
However I don't aim for my DC not to have the worst thing happen to them , I aim higher for them to have better than I had. I don't want to teach them to settle for " not the worst thing" or " it's ok but I could have better but I won't try". Whatever my DC do and wherever they go they deserve to know they can aim for the happiest the best , they don't have to settle for something that doesn't make them happy.

I couldn't give a shiny whatever what it is that makes them happy , be it refuse collector , artist , builder .....except possibly estate agent. I want them to do whatever makes them happy but not to settle for ok because they don't believe they can have any better.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/07/2020 13:46

@talesfrommyancestors and what do you do when the children are grown up and leave home? Carry on living a lie?

Being a martyr is never a good thing.

GreenCoxing · 27/07/2020 13:47

Totally disagree.

My parents should have split when we were younger. I love my Dad, but my DM should have left him. He was lazy round the house, drank too much (now sober) and spent his money on what he wanted. My DM stayed with him and now is very bitter and resentful. He has massively improved since retirement, but she literally can not see any good in him, and everything he does is wrong. She is constantly moaning about him. I don't enjoy going to see them as a result.

I feel my parents relationship really impacted on mine. I put up with a lot of rubbish from men, "as that's what they do".

Iwalkinmyclothing · 27/07/2020 13:47

Honestly, I think every situation, every family, every child is so different that it depends on a lot of factors and the only thing that's definite is you just can't generalise.

RaspberryToupee · 27/07/2020 13:47

My mum and dad divorced when I was a baby, so I don’t remember them being together. What I do remember is spending a lot of time at my paternal grandparents when I was young when my dad didn’t want to parent (part of why they split up). When my dad met my step-mum, he became more involved in my life. It took 20 years for my parents to be OK in the same room together again. I have to guess what would have happened but I imagine there would have been a lot of yelling and my dad would have remained uninterested in me. It wouldn’t have been better for me at all. I don’t remember their divorce but I’m glad they aren’t together. My mum has never remarried but my dad has. My step mum is very different to my mum but obviously a good influence on my dad.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/07/2020 13:48

My kids didn’t especially like the split
But not did they like walking on eggshells and seeing their mum get screamed at

Whatever happens they are going to be damaged but at least their Mum isn’t having suicidal ideation any more

And as for a partner ! Ha ! I’d rather put a red hot needle in my eye than dive into that shark infested pool again

I don’t think any couples split on a whim anyway

Original poster
talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:48

I think it is very sad when putting your children first is being a ‘martyr.’

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/07/2020 13:48

I didn't leave my ex husband to find true love elsewhere. I left him so I could love myself again.

Home42 · 27/07/2020 13:49

My relationship wasn’t abusive. It was just eventually wrong for us. I could go into the issues but it wasn’t really important in the end. We were unhappy together. We tried to make it work. We never argued in front of DD. We were polite. There was no joy in our house though. No love, no silly fun, no affection, no passion. We just ground on trying not to snipe at each other. His existence in my space annoyed me and visa versa.

I didn’t split up with H to make DD happier. I split with him because my life was miserable and I could no longer pretend otherwise. I didn’t know what it would do to DD but I couldn’t exist like that any longer and as much as I love my daughter I don’t think I should have to live the rest of my life unhappily to protect her from harm. I worked hard post split to reassure her and to keep things positive as did ex-H. He is a good man and he loves his daughter. I also consider her very carefully in decisions I make about my future that will also impact her.

Would anyone really want their parents to live an unhappy life with someone they don’t love? I don’t need to saddle her with that guilt!

OwlBeThere · 27/07/2020 13:49

My parents divorced when I was 5. It never affected me badly. My ex and I share custody and the kids are happy

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/07/2020 13:49

Staying in an unhappy relationship isn't putting your children first, however you decide to paint it. You're setting them up to be scapegoats.

Original poster
talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:49

I’m honestly not in any way sniping at you home but does anyone show ‘passion’ in front of their children? That would surely be inappropriate in the extreme!

OP posts:
Covert20 · 27/07/2020 13:50

Just asked my teen (me and his dad apart since he was a small child) - “better apart than in hell” he said “wouldn’t have it any other way”

Original poster
talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:51

wax, I’m not, personally. But I do feel that a lot of the ‘leave, your children will thank you for it!’ Views are wrong and misguided.

Wanting a romantic relationship is understandable but I don’t think this should be the absolute priority in ever area of life.

OP posts:
runningonemptyfulloflove · 27/07/2020 13:51

I had no idea my parents weren't happy, I was completely shielded from it all (didn't argue or seem unhappy in front of me), but as soon as they split up (when I was 11), and in time found new partners, my eyes were open to how a relationship should be. I get On so well with both step parents, and love seeing my parents with their partners, holding hands, cuddling, just being happy! For me, I really do prefer having two separate happy parents.

TinySleepThief · 27/07/2020 13:52

@talesfrommyancestors

I’m honestly not in any way sniping at you home but does anyone show ‘passion’ in front of their children? That would surely be inappropriate in the extreme!
Passion could mean kisses, cuddles, even a compliment. Imagine growing uo never seeing your parents affectionate towards each other.
Gatehouse77 · 27/07/2020 13:52

As a child I wished my parents would split up. They didn’t seem like being in each other’s company so it wasn’t a happy household. And I thought it would force my father to be more engaged with me (and siblings).
They did split when we were adults and it made a huge difference as going home became a pleasure.

DH and I separated for a substantial amount of time but it was amicable. It gave us the space to work through stuff and, overall, has had little impact on the kids. Which is borne out by how we all interact now and what they have said. Which I 100% believe because we’ve always been very open and discussed it with them.

Beamur · 27/07/2020 13:53

My DH commented on how much happier his DS was after he split from his ex. They hadn't argued in front of the kids but I would imagine it wasn't a happy home environment. I met DH after they split and always had a nice relationship with his kids. Ex had remarried and everyone gets on just fine.

vintageyoda · 27/07/2020 13:54

I can't count the amount of people whose parents have 'stayed together for the children' who wished they'd divorced sooner. Arguing, unhappy parents are a toxic environment for children to grow up in.
I separated, very amicably, from my husband at the end of last year and we are all happier for it. The children see their dad all the time as he pops in as and when he fancies. We were never a couple to argue in the first place but my DH drive me nuts with his behaviour on a regular basis and the children could see it. He drove them nuts with it too sometimes. I'm tons happier now, me and the kids have a good life and my DH lives ten minutes away.
So, OP, ours is a story that counters your concerns.