To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

[talesfrommyancestors]

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

I was so happy when my parents split up!!! I was only 8 and I remember it well. No more arguments, no more tension in the household. I was happy. I had a friend who was distraught when they parents split up- I could not understand why. But I assumed, thinking about it now, the parents must have had a good relationship.

YABU - just because I have a child doesnt mean that I stop being a person in my own right.

I have a DD12 and her dad and I split up when she was 5. It was not an abusive or toxic relationship, we just realised that whilst we loved each other, we weren't in love with each other and so we decided to split. We co-parent DD and have remained friends as she spends every other week with each of us.

I have had a few relationships but nothing serious enough to introduce DD, and her dad has a new relationship - they've been dating about 3 years now. Just from spending time together with them at family functions/DDs events etc I can see they are a much better couple than Ex and I ever were, they are definitely in love with each other and I am happy he has found someone.

Ex and I got together when we were 19, had DD when I was 20, split up at 25 and I am now 32. Ex and I realised we weren't right together 6 years into our relationship. If we had not had DD, people would have no issue with us moving on. Why should we have had to stay in a loveless relationship - that both parties knew wasn't right - for at least another 13 years (when DD turned 18)? That would have just started to breed resentment and would more likely have led to us arguing and fighting more, the longer the relationship dragged out.

Same as lockdownlurker here.

My parents stayed together for the children.

Our home was not a happy place - arguments and tension galore. In retrospect I exhibited a lot of “stressed child” behaviour.

I escaped to boarding school /friend’s homes from age 13 onwards. My siblings did likewise as they got older (there are 3 of us)

In adult life only 1 of us has a long term relationship and none of us have children.

I sincerely believe that our childhood experiences have shaped our adult relationship/life choices.

I think divorce and marriage are far too easy when there are children.
DV aside of course, in this case it should be easier.
Affairs, drifting apart etc were easy marriages, far too easy and the poor kids suffer, I completely agree with you.
Parents don't want to feel like they've messed their kids up so will tell themselves any old rubbish to justify themselves.
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

I think that the whole 'it will be better' thing relies on the parents actually being happy once the split is complete as though unhappiness in a relationship is a problem that is automatically cured by splitting.

In my case, my parents split when I was little and then moved on to other, tumultuous relationships with arguing, door slamming and pretty much the same dramas as the marriage, but with the added tension of the step-parenting relationship and trying to manage arrangements between two households.

I think it was probably the right thing for them to split, but I don't think it was better for me at the time. I was shipped back and forth between houses, getting two relationships worth of bickering and drama (not abusive, just the kind of people both my parents are, in their own ways).

My friendships and extra curricular activities suffered because I spent weekends at my dad's, so couldn't meet up with people or attend clubs with friends as it didn't make logistical sense. I never had a proper room at my dad's, so couldn't really keep a lot of stuff there, which meant that even playing could be frustrating. There were two different sets of rules, which I understood, but still found it hard to reconcile that they could all be right when sometimes they directly contradicted one another. And so on and so on!

It wasn't abusive or terrible and I do have some happy memories, but all in all, it was still stressful and confusing for me, but with none of the convenience and stability of living in one house.

Now, I am glad - I wouldn't want to be the adult child of my parents if they were still together - but my formative years probably weren't improved by the split.

If there is no strife in a home, I think children would prefer an intact family unit. If there is a lot of strife and constant unhappiness, arguing, then in hindsight they may agree divorce was better - but not always. Interesting read here. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/01/17/revealed-best-age-get-divorced-protect-childrens-mental-health/

The other problem of course is that relationships rarely break evenly. Many times one party falls out of love. I remember my dad trying to hug my mum and her moving away. She stopped hugging us or giving us any affection as my dad would try to join in. Eventually he blamed us for her lack of affection.

If both parties are happy with the situation fair enough, but that is rarely the case and that is where it becomes toxic. Children pick up on more than you realise. We heard the whispered arguments, felt the chill between them, noticed how they avoided each other. This was all before my dad became abusive.

I know two adults who's parents absolutely 'stayed together for the children'. Both of them are clearly not better off for it, and both have said that with hindsight, they wish their parents had broken up.

Obviously, parents who break up and move on to other fractious relationships and instability aren't great, but I think unhappily married parents can be very damaging as well and an amicable grown up divorce less so.

I think you're making two different arguments really.

One, you think parents should stay under the same roof, as long as they get on ok, even if neither of them is happy.

Two, you think parents leave relationships with their dcs' other parents so they can pursue new relationships. New relationships, blended families etc can be mismanaged or just not work and that is damaging for the dcs.

You could argue the second without the first and I would definitely agree with you. I do think that when parents leave a LTR to pursue new relationships, it can be messy and blended families sound like a total minefield. But plenty of people separate and don't look for new partners at all. Some people separate and find new partners, but it has little impact on dcs, as they never blend or move in together.

I think the first point about staying in a marriage where one or both parties are unhappy, at a low level, non abusive way, is trickier. I think that being in an unhappy marriage can make a person very depressed and lifeless. That is not good for dcs to see.

But, I do think that if people leave marriages because they are hell bent on finding prince or princess charming, at all costs, no that isn't good for the dcs. I think if you're planning this, to a point, you have to plan to be a single parent, not plan to be the future Mrs Charming!

Not to be too fiscally minded as well, but you would need to plan to basically run two household instead of one, so you would need ducks in a row financially speaking.

Also, have you tried couples counselling? I might give that a bash first, but depends on the couple.

OP, I suspect that sometimes people do immediately jump in to make "the children will thank you for it/be happier" type comments because it justifies difficult decisions and makes them feel better about the negative effects of divorce on children. It's similar to "they're just jealous".

There are certainly times when children are better off with divorced parents, but I'm sure there are other times when children could live a happy life with parents who are no longer in love but stay together to maintain a stable home. No two situations will be the same.

I actually didn’t mean sexual passion (although there was none of that either). Our lives were “grey”. We didn’t fight or laugh or express any passionate feelings about anything anymore. Life was grey.

I think selfish toxic parents are going to be selfish and toxic together or apart.

YANBU

We were subjected to drunken arguments and fights from afar because my DM stayed 'for the sake of the children' - they are much happier apart and it should've happened years before

Very much depends.

My dc would not have been happy if we’d stayed together.

*YABU (obvs)

All the views on here have really given me food for thought.
I’m miserable at the moment in my marriage but thinking I should stay for the kids.
Maybe I should reconsider this.

From my experience I would agree. I desperately wanted my parents to get back together as a child, I always felt that I was passed between my parents and never really wanted by either. I feel so sad when parents separate- I know it can be for the best but I think of my childhood and how easy it is for children do become less of a priority.

Our parents weren't abusive, to one another or to us. But they weren't interested in one another, they didn't seem happy in each other's company, never laughed or hugged or kissed. It was very polite, but we knew it wasn't normal - we did a lot of "Mummy, why don't you and Daddy hold hands now for my game?" "No, let's play something else".

It was very strange to grow up seeing my two parents as housemates who interacted very little except when it came to us, compared to friends' parents who acted like a unit, who liked each other, who didn't interact solely to inform each other whether or not the children had eaten. They weren't hateful, just utterly passive - thinking back it was like they were just going through the motions to get the day done. EVERY day.

When they divorced, finally, in my teens, I asked why they hadn't done it sooner, and my mum sobbed and said she wished she had but she thought it wasn't fair to us. I wish so much they had, because I struggled for a long time being overly needy and emotional in relationships because I feared ending up like my parents.

@AlwaysDancing1234

All the views on here have really given me food for thought. I’m miserable at the moment in my marriage but thinking I should stay for the kids. Maybe I should reconsider this.

Like I said earlier in the thread think about what your advice would be if one of your children was unhappy in their relationship. Would you advice them to stay in an unhappy marriage just because they had children?

You deserve to be happy, your children wont thank you when they've grown and you finally leave the relationship. They will possible feel like many of my friends who faced this same situation, that their entire childhood was based on a lie.

@talesfrommyancestors It’s likely that you aren’t affectionate because your parents weren’t, we tend to have similar levels of affection etc to those we experienced growing up. Obviously some go the other way and have an urge to make up for the lack of affection as a child.

A new partner is very often the worst thing that ever happened to a child. The parent may feel more fulfilled as a result but that doesn't necessarily follow for the children

I thought about this for the first time today. A man I was talking to said his relationship of five years with a woman with a nine year old daughter ended in May and how upsetting it was for the little girl who keeps crying for him. I guess he was like her Dad, but unlike a Dad, she now has no relationship with him. He said he really misses her too.

I know someone whose mum stayed married to his dad, even though his Dad was a serial adulterer, till all the kids grew up. Then she left him. He said it was fine and worked for them as kids. Dont' know what the atmosphere at home was like though. The person I know has a happy marriage himself and seems a happy, sorted decent person.

I think if the parents relationship is making them unhappy the DC would prefer them to live apart.
I wish my parents split even as an adult, their relationship was an unhappy one DM was quite and passive DF is a volatile know it all.
It saddens me the most of DM's life now is she gone she was never free.

I was relieved when my parents got divorced when I was 9. Best thing for everyone.

obviously the answer is 'it depends' as every family and every life is different.

But I do feel really sorry for kids two homes.
I would have hated beig shuffled back and forth between two homes. My bedroom was a complete set of of tpys and games in progress, and the idea that you have to leave it and spend half you time in another bedroom would be awful.
Same with livgin out of bags, favourite clothes/shoes/make up

So do I take my guitar everywhere, what a faff, what about my school books, where are they

I have always thought that split living was worse for a child than one home.