To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

@Mountainpika

We always tell each other where we're going. Always have.(married 46 years) Not controlling. We just do. Where going, what time expect to be back. And so the other knows what time we need to start worrying if they're not home within a reasonable time of the expected time. (Not that that's ever happened.) We rarely use mobile phones, but will phone home to the other if we're going to be late. It would seem most odd if one of us just walked out of the house and went shopping/meeting friend or whatever without telling the other. It's a simple matter of courtesy and respect for the other. Courtesy might seem an oldfashioned value to some people, but it's very valid. And yes, we do talk about where we've been because we're interested in the other.

That's not quite the same as having to phone or be phoned regarding going out during the day, shopping and the like.

My wife normally bombards me with pictures if they have been out and about, but if she didnt it wouldnt bother me, its nice to have some more pictures of little one tho

DH ask "what did you do today" but only out of general interest. Unusually pick the thing he's most interested in and talk about that. He doesn't care abkut my general movements

We both do. More out of if we need something along that route/place. Not for controlling purposes.

I work part time and from home at the moment so would probably mention where I was going initially as he is working from home and might notice that I've gone out but often I think of something else I need to do and especially when the children are on leave and will go somewhere quite randomly which we often joke about!

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen.

My response would have been: Well that’s not happening.

On mat leave I would have tried to remember to tell DH if I wasn’t going to be in when he got home from work and roughly when I’d be back. That way he could go to the gym, or for a pint or whatever if he fancied it and not rush back for no reason.

If I was, for example, having a planned day out at the farm, or driving down to see my mum for the day, or something significant then I’d have mentioned it to DH the night before/in the morning just because that’s normal conversation stuff.

But if I had no real plans, ended up going to the park, supermarket, to meet a friend for coffee etc, then I’m not sure he’d have ever given a shite.

I assume you are trying to be funny there @RainyWinter

@RainyWinter

I absolutely think that SAHPs should be reporting to the working parent on what they’ve done and where they’ve been.

The way I see it is that the working parent is effectively the SAHP’s ‘boss’ or ‘line manager’ as it is their salary that is enabling the SAHP’s lifestyle. They are therefore quite within their rights to expect a report on what exactly they are funding and whether the SAHP is providing value for money in terms of the quality and quantity of their childcare and housework duties.

You should be a comedian.

RainyWinter I guess that's a joke. Its not really funny though.

OP is walking headfirst into a disaster.

If it was something I'd planned in advance I probably would have said something, ie 'if the weather's nice I think I'll take the kids to the park' or 'I'm meeting Sally and her kids at soft play', if it was just something I'd decided on the spur of the moment unless it meant I wouldn't be home when he was expecting to be home then I wouldn't tell him - if I didn't think I'd be back he'd come home to a note. However I would mention it later when talking about the day

If it was to a supermarket I probably would text just to ask if there was anything he wanted - same as he usually does if he's calling into one

..

OP why are you becoming a SAHP, leaving yourself completely vulnerable to a man who you say yourself is controlling to the point that he always wants to know where you are and wants to monitor and question your spend? You will become someone he's "keeping" so he'll feel even more entitled to ownership of you.
In fact, why are you staying with him?

I was a sahm for 8 years I might mention in passing where I was going and we did the same things most weeks so baby group on morning swimming another couple other groups. if I was going for a day out I'd tell him where. Hes now wfh and I've been off work since march due to shielding, vulnerable people in the home. I often just take the kids out with not much idea where we are going, took ds to blackpool for lunch on thurs that's about a 40 min drive, I'd usually just say I'm nipping out if I wasnt going to be out long to ask if he wanted anything. Or if I'm going out for longer I'd just say I was going out and didnt know when I'd be back, then probably text him when I got there. I'd find it controlling if i had to tell someone where i was going to be all the time, I'm quite spontaneous so might change my mind in the car on the way to somewhere.

Most of the time I do as send pictures of our baby and toddler and just because I like texting him.
SoMetimes he will text and ask Me what I'm up to but not in a checking up on me way just general conversation.

It's definitely not expected of me to tell DH where I'm going, but it would usually come up in conversation.
For example, having dinner on a Monday night
"Did I tell you I'm going for lunch tomorrow with Kate?"
"Where you off to?"
"The new Italian restaurant in town"
"Great. Have fun. If you call me when you're done, I'll pick you up on my way home"

I wouldn't be happy if it was expected of me, I'm not a child reporting to my parents

We used to talk over breakfast about what our plans were for the day, and if we were going to be out later than usual I might have texted DH, but I wouldn't have been reporting in regularly. Wouldn't agree to either, there's enough work in getting packed up and leaving the house without having to worry about something else as well. Spending has always come out of a joint account, no questions over that either, although we would discuss any major purchases beforehand.

Yeah we both do. Neither feels forced, never felt like I HAD to we just do.

Only because he's at home too and it's courteous to say if I'm popping out, like he does with me. But when he was working there was no need to mention it, maybe just in conversation if it was somewhere interesting.

*I absolutely think that SAHPs should be reporting to the working parent on what they’ve done and where they’ve been.

The way I see it is that the working parent is effectively the SAHP’s ‘boss’ or ‘line manager’ as it is their salary that is enabling the SAHP’s lifestyle. They are therefore quite within their rights to expect a report on what exactly they are funding and whether the SAHP is providing value for money in terms of the quality and quantity of their childcare and housework duties.*

Hahahahaha, this did make me laugh! If DH tried this bollocks with me he’d be reminded that nursery for our DTs is 25k a year, laundry is 10 quid a bag, a cleaner is £15ph, a PA is 25k a year and if he doesn’t stop this rubbish I’ll quit my “job” and he can bloody well sort it all out.

To answer op, I’ll mention our plans in a general way if he asks, or I’ll text him if we’ll be out when he gets back from work, or cute pictures of the kids. He’s never questioned my spending, he always says if it’s for the kids then he knows I’ve made the best decision as I’m a researcher. If it’s something for myself he always seems really pleased, as I rarely buy much!

Yes but just to say we out with x friend or at the park. Mine older now so not as much texting. It might be more to do with dinners or supermarket things. I feel sahp under valued they do alot run around with kids. This is to the poster that ask them to account their day

RainyWinter good one ! For a couple of minutes moments I actually thought you were some batshit stepford wife ! Then I realised you we're taking the monumental mickey !

Funny post. Well done !

If my DH is at home I'll give him a shout "Going to XX, be back YY" so he'll know I'm not in the house with him. But when we were working (we're retired now) it wouldn't have occured to me to call him and tell him I'm leaving and where I'm going. Why would I? If I was going to the shops I'd call and ask if he needed anything, if DC and I weren't going to be home when he got home, I'd let him know that. But otherwise, since my comings and goings didn't impact him, there was no need to keep him apprised of my every move.

he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen

Simply knowing where you are isn't going prevent 'anything' from happening nor is it going to let him know any sooner if it has. Most times either one is able to call and say "XX has happened, we're OK" or if not, the authorities do.

IMO, if you start with this he'll use "I'm anxious" to stop you from living your life. Next you know, he'll be asking you to turn on "Find my location" so he can track your every move so he can be 'reassured' that you are 'safe'.

If I was going to supermarket I might ask what he fancied for dinner. I might mention I was having lunch with a friend I might not. It all depends what else we have to chat about. He would not be upset where I was going as long as back in time for child returning from school on days he is not wfh. With Covid he has wfh everyday and I have barely been out.

No, I don't. I wouldn't like to feel that I had to, even if he was still in the house when I was leaving (which he is at the moment due to wfh). We're pretty happy with things that way, he's too busy to really be bothered, and I'm usually in a rush to get out. Sometimes I'll tell him if it's particularly interesting or if he needs to know for other reasons, but otherwise my days are my own.