To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

I mention if I've seen someone or something the kids did during the day when we were at so-and-so, but only during a normal "how was your day?" Type conversation. I'm certainly not giving a detailed account or letting him know when I'm leaving the house. That's an extremely odd thing to do.

As for hiding what you're spending money on, that's a major red flag that you feel the need to ask how to hide your purchases. This isn't ok, OP.

Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?

Separately.

Sorry, OP. Ether your OH is incredibly over anxious or he's controlling. The first thing he needs to address, the second you need to address. You don't need to inform your husband of your movements.

If something does happen to you then what good is him knowing where you are in advance going to be? I mean, if you are taking baby off hiking in a mountain range and don't come home then yeah, useful he knows. If you have a heart attack or massive car crash or something then I'm sure he'll find out soon enough and unless he's psychic he won't be any help in advance. Send photos if YOU feel like it - "feel straight asleep after swimming" or text if they do something you want to tell them. But being expected to give a breakdown of your itinerary in advance is nonsense.
As for finances... each have your own account and pay a set amount into the joint account every month for joint stuff. Spend your money on whatever you want.
I echo what others have said, sounds like red flags all over the show OP.

I’ll mention any plans I might have in passing or if we’re chatting about our upcoming day but i tend to move around quite spontaneously and wouldn’t make sure to notify him of my whereabouts or anything.

@CDWM

This isn’t coming from a place of anxiety, I do feel it’s more control. He’s not the most controlling person but there are certain behaviours which I’m not comfortable with. The choice to be a SAHM is mine and he supports it and I won’t be doing it forever so that’s not an issue.

My next issue is that most of our money tends to be joint and we have a small amount individually each month. My individual amount won’t be enough to cover my current expenses (makeup etc) and lunches out with the baby or activities etc so I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account. I know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it. Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?

Well you can get your make up from Boots, Asda, loads of baby related stuff in there. activities with baby are somewhat curtailed with covid sadly re baby groups. Lunch out with baby made me smile, that will be a challenge for you both.

I have never told DH of my plans when i was SAHM when our children were small, he might ask if i was going to the shops if he needed something.

I am a SAHM again as my dd is very sick and i am home educating her and because we now share one car he does ask what days i think i need it .

What’s going to happen to you and the baby whilst you’re out !? You obviously managed to get to adult age without permanent security at your side I imagine.

I don’t bother telling DH what I am doing unless he asks in passing. He’s busy, I’m busy 🤷‍♀️

Not in typical non covid times. If I'm going off the beaten track for a walk by myself I'll tell him though.

He's framing it as concern so I'd put that back to him ie 'DH if you are genuinely anxious about us leaving the house, I suggest you make an appointment with the GP because that level of anxiety over normal activities is unusual and you may have anxiety or depression. I'm not going to facilitate that attitude/approach.'
Fwiw when I was a SAHM, I'd mention it to DH if I planned to meet mutual friends we didn't see that often but otherwise, I didn't tell him my plans.

I’d advise you to think long and hard about the life you live. You only get on and the situation you’re describing does not sound like a life well lived.

@CDWM

Thanks for the replies. I am going to be a SAHM very shortly with our first born. Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen. It does feel controlling to me hence why I asked the question here. I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

Did you not realise how controlling he was going to be before you got pregnant.

What an up hill battle your going to have if you don’t nip this in the bud now.

I never told my husband what I was going to be doing during the day unless it was something relevant eg. I’m going to get the car sorted so can you pick me up from the garage. I never felt it would interest him to tell him I was going to Asda or for a coffee and play date with my friends and their kids.

Did you laugh when he told you this because I would have.

No, I did what I fancied when I fancied it and didn't tell him. He knew some regular things if he remembered like toddler group on a Wednesday and so on but I didn't tell him as a matter of course.

Only if it is a part of the conversation. I might say something like I'm going to pop up mums tomorrow or take the kids to the park. If I go to a cafe or something when I'm out I don't tell him but I might mention what we have done in a happy conversation way.

My sister is the opposite and pretty much has to confirm everything with hers. It annoys me. If you are on the phone to her she has to quickly go if he calls. But she runs around after him like his maid.

You're going to have to put your foot down very firmly right from the start otherwise you will be in for a nightmare that lasts for years.

Has he ever shown any of these tendencies before, if you've been going out on your own or seeing friends?

I’m just staggered that your only thinking about this now. It’s a bit late isn’t it? If your quite aware of what he is going to say then you must have seen signs before of what he is going to be like.

You have to admit that at some point you have made a conscious decisions to over look signs that he was like this and make a commitment to dig your heels in and not let this go any further. Your an adult. You run you, no one else.

I would take issue with the word "expect" - it does sound very controlling. Somehow you need to address this and get it sorted before you are a fulltime SAHM depending on his income. I would be feeling very uneasy if it were me. Are there reasons for trust issues either in the relationship itself or in his background? At the end of the day, needing control of someone else is about fear and/or trust.

YEs, I text him where we are going. He should know where his children are.

@verypeckish

You're going to have to put your foot down very firmly right from the start otherwise you will be in for a nightmare that lasts for years.

Has he ever shown any of these tendencies before, if you've been going out on your own or seeing friends?

This exactly. Put a stop NOW to him thinking he has the right to control another adult human being. This could very quickly become untenable.

I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

Well, you have several choices here.

An amazing fantasy of you and om, or similar far fetched sarcy reply. Telling him to mind his own business, or telling him about your day after he's been through each miniscule activity he did at work.

@Purpleartichoke

YEs, I text him where we are going. He should know where his children are.

Maybe if they are with a babysitter. Not if they are with their own parent.

YEs, I text him where we are going. He should know where his children are.

Wait. What?

@Chucklecheeks01

I would not be a SAHM in this situation. You're knowingly putting yourself into an extremely vulnerable position. Even more vulnerable when you know there are red flags regarding his behaviour.

This. Absolutely this.

You need to really consider whether this relationship is a healthy enough one to withstand the pressures of parenting without harming your mental health.

I think mobiles are a curse OH and I often forget to take ours which maybe is a blessing.

@Purpleartichoke

YEs, I text him where we are going. He should know where his children are.

Wait, what?! They're with their mother. I'm not saying i wouldnt mention in passing where we were or send pictures of them having a lovely time etc, but the motivation for doing so wouldn't be some sort of principle he needs to know where they are at all times when he already knows they're with you. He can contact you the whole time, doesn't he trust you to parent them competently?

"Did you not realise how controlling he was going to be before you got pregnant."
@Codexdivinchi many people who are controlling tend to hide it until they've 'caught' the person they want to control. It really is not unusual for the first sign of controlling behaviour to emerge either on pregnancy or childbirth.