To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

@CDWM

Thanks for the replies. I am going to be a SAHM very shortly with our first born. Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen. It does feel controlling to me hence why I asked the question here. I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

He can 'expect' all he likes. He can also fuck off.

How to manage it? By telling him to get a grip and stop being an arse. And absolutely NOT complying!

The "concerned about our safety" angle - he could be controlling, he could have some sort of anxiety issue. But you say it feels controlling to you, and you're the one experiencing it so you know. Even if it was anxiety, my answer would still be the same. He would need to deal with HIS anxiety, not push it on to you.

Do NOT feel railroaded into this!

It doesn’t sound the best foundation, no.

Has he always been like this?

Tell him you don't quite understand what he wants, but that if he texts you from the office telling you what he's doing whenever he changes task/has a meeting and where/stops to chat to someone/stops to discuss work/goes to lunch etc then you're sure you'll get the hang of it by the time you're required to do it.

He needs to set the communication example of his expectations.

He can see where I am as we all have Find My Phone and our location services on.

It’s not a control thing before anyone jumps on me.

know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it. Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?

What will happen if you tell him you need more money in your individual account now that you will be going out with teh baby in the day?

Are you happy in this relationship? I have to say, I think cracks in relationships tend to become wide open chasms after children are born.

My DH will ask what we are up to but he doesn’t want an hour by hour report. He will mention something he sees on the credit card statement like ‘oh when did you go to x’ or ‘did you have lunch at y on Tuesday’ to check the statement and be a bit nosey I guess.
Sometimes it’s feels a bit suffocating because I certainly don’t have any financial privacy but then I have nothing to hide as such so I can’t really object to it.
If he wanted to know every time I left the house I would find that too intrusive and tell him so.

I would manage it by saying

"I was thinking about what you said. Will you really be worried about us popping to the shops or the park or was that a joke? You should talk to the Gp about that sort of anxiety its not normal. Of course I'm not texting you every time I go for a walk! I've always got my phone, with me though"

I do tell DH but in a general oh were seeing X tomorrow, oh so you think DC would like Y, we might go Friday. Also if H umcute photos say if it was the zoo or they did something adorable. Or I'd say ooh we went to the art gallery today, he loved X.
BUT it's a sharing the day thing not I must tell him. Frankly he knows he'd get a rude answer if he told me to tell him every time I left the house.

Do you live in a really rough area? Are you incapable of carrying for your child outside your own home? No? Then he's def being controlling.

Re money, baby expenses should come from shared money. You can get the CB paid directly to you and use that as well for day trips etc but clothes, toys etc should be joint. Have to say ours aren't but u think they should

"My next issue is that most of our money tends to be joint and we have a small amount individually each month. My individual amount won’t be enough to cover my current expenses (makeup etc) and lunches out with the baby or activities etc so I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account. I know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it. Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?"

Baby-related expenses ARE a joint expense and you absolutely should not be financing these from your personal funds. We run our finances in this way too, salaries into the joint account for family spending, standing orders from there to our personal accounts for personal spending. However this set-up was never used to monitor my activity.

My suggestion would be a weekly cash withdrawal to cover the baby expenses, 'to ensure you had cash for those small purchases that retailers don't want to pay card fees on'.

We tell each other what we've been up to, cos that's part of being a family. I'm home during the school holidays with our child, I put everything we're doing in the calendar, he can just look at that. We discuss plans in advance too.

I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account. I know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it.

Bloody hell, this really doesn’t sound like a great relationship.

I'd make sure you don't have a location tracker switched on in your phone. Completely controlling behaviour, OR he's got severe anxiety and needs some counselling.

This is immensely controlling and send highly unlikely that you'll be able to protect yourself and baby from him. My Dad had supper high anxiety and back in the 1970s it would never have occurred to him to treat my mother like that.
Why wouldn't your DH be paying half the cost of caring for a child? And why would he want a child to miss out on social and emotional development?
Does he want a child of God to grow up in poverty and unable to develop well? Does he want his child to be special needs at school with social services involved? Because the impact of what he is suggesting is severe and would raise alarm with midwives, health visitors and teachers.
If during him down and telling him how utterly unacceptable his behavior is doesn't change what he's saying, you need to leave. Controlling men often show their true colors when their partner has a baby. This is deeply, deeply concerning.
To answer your questions as if he's a normal person. You each support your child to the best of your ability, and that means giving as much money as is needed from you both. You also encourage development by frequent daily trips and activities, but obviously keeping safer from Covid.

DH has just become a SAHP thanks to redundancy, I don't expect him to keep me updated at all. He definitely didn't expect it of me when I was on mat leave or anything. We do chat about our days and obviously the dc say "we went to x today" but there's no pressure to provide an itinerary and account for all our time, that would be weird.

smallskylight "I have to say, I think cracks in relationships tend to become wide open chasms after children are born."

This. Are you happy in this relationship @CDWM?

I would not be a SAHM in this situation. You're knowingly putting yourself into an extremely vulnerable position. Even more vulnerable when you know there are red flags regarding his behaviour.

Are you taking ML with a job to return to?

I agree about being wary about becoming a sahm.

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are in case anything were to happen.

No. This is controlling. Especially since you say this isn't anxiety and you expect he will come looking for you if he doesn't know where you are.

You're entitled to have a life while you're at home with your baby. You don't answer to him over your choices or whereabouts at all times.

And I would reconsider being a SAHP for very long if you are in a controlling relationship. If you want/need to leave it will be hard enough leaving a controlling person, but to not have your own money and security on top of it will make it even harder.

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety

Haha this is bullshit.

The nearest I got to SAHMing was during mat leaves, it wouldn't have occurred to me to account for my movements to DP. When DP became a SAHD later on it never occurred to me to quiz him on where he had been. Its ridiculous.

Why do you have so little money to spend and is his amount the same? There are ways to make spending less obvious - eg buy everything on a card and pay off the card each month - but that doesn't solve your problem, it only works around it.

Are you confident you don't want to keep a foot in the workplace rather than make yourself dependent on someone already behaving like this?

Massive red flags now combined with your post about finances.

Keep your job. It’ll be harder to escape without it.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers @notanothertakeaway

It’s not a control thing at all, please don’t jump to conclusions like a majority of people on MN.

We run a business where we are going in and out of different/multiple houses every day, and totally different areas etc so it saves us having to text each time “I’m now going in 16 Garden Close etc” 25 x every day.

Actually the more I think about this, the more I think he's subtly undermining your competence as a parent. Because if he doesn't expect you to give him a blow by blow account of your day now before having the baby, then he can't be that concerned about your safety as a pregnant woman. The only concern he is expressing is for you leaving your house with your baby. So either he is implying the baby's safety is at risk with you in sole charge, or he is wanting to stop you having independence of movement. Neither scenario is a good one.

Funnily enough my OP takes off in the car on a whim without saying where he is going, usually to the boat or a friends. He gets a bit snippy if I do the same. We do talk about our days though when we are together.

Does your OH have trust issues OP?

We might have a brief chat in the morning about my plans for the day & I'd say something like "I'll probably take the kids in to town to get (insert whatever it might be here) & we might have lunch whilst we're out. Do you need anything from town whilst we're out?" But he isn't that bothered if we decide not to go for whatever reason or if I forget what he asked me to get. 🤷‍♀️

Nope, I would mention it in passing or in a conversation at the end of the day or possibly the day before if it was something out of the ordinary, just as I would talk to a friend about what I was up to but would he expect to know where I was during the day? No.