To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

Money for the children eg soft play and baby classes, clothes and toys (if they are on) needs to come out of joint accounts but make up etc needs to come out of your ‘pocket money’ - do you get the same amount as each other? If you are becoming a stay a home mum then to have to accept that as a family you will have less money than before.

No, you do not need to tell your husband where you are. Curently, as DH is working from home, I do tell him if I'm planning on being out for a while - either I need to go to the big shops, which is at least a 1 hour round trip on foot or i just need a bloody walk and some headspace - this means leaving him with our autistic teens in the house, though so it gives him chance to say no, actually, I've got a meeting at 2.

When he was working in the office and the kids were at school, I didn't routinely tell him where i was, though, unless he needed to know or it came up in a general conversation.

Tell your H that you're a grown up and he needs to jog on if he expects you to be constantly accountable to him.

I've not read the whole thread. I'm a SAHP with 2 kids.

I don't ask husband's permission as such, but in general conversation over breakfast I'll tell him our plans.

At the end of the day I'll likely run down what we did too.

I just hate the idea of him monitoring my spend from the joint account for baby related stuff I might be doing, and criticising and questioning it

Why do you think he will question and criticise you? Has he done it before?

I would not expect my dh to have a view about what baby things we needed beyond the normal input ie birthday gifts and what to buy if asked. The fact he feels he can criticise you is a red flag definitely. My dh might not like my choice of baby product, but he wouldn't question why I needed it unless it was extremely expensive (and we would usually decide bigger expenditure together beforehand) It sounds like he has a lack of trust in your judgement and decisions. Assuming you don't have a shopping addiction or form for over spending.

The problem is that you think he'll be monitoring and criticising your spend. We have one account and all expenses come from that. Theoretically, I could see what DH has spent money on if I wanted to. But the only tie we do that is if we're worried about finances and we want to work out if we're spending too much in certain areas such as days out for the DC (him - he's a SAHD) or me when out and about for work (Pret is my weakness...). So, if you had a healthy relationship, spending this stuff from joint account just wouldn't even feature on your list of worries.

As for where you're going - god no. I mean, I generally have a sense of what DH and the DC are up to. But it's not unusual for me to get home and discover they'd decided to go to soft play or whatever. And I can honestly say I've never questioned his decisions on where to take them. With the possible exception of if I know that the kids have been desperate to go somewhere and he hasn't got around to it or we might discuss the fact that we want to save money so it's better to go to place A than place B.

I'll caveat this by saying that we've lived together for 25 years, and a lot of the time one or more of us would be away with work.

DH has been working from home since mid March and we have a teen daughter. At the moment I probably do mention if I am nipping out to the shops in case somebody wants something and we'll usually run through everybody's whereabouts for the week on a Sunday so we know how many want feeding (less of an issue now we're usually all home).

We all share calendars so can tell who is going to be out and when. We're all linked on "Find Friends"/"Find my iPhone" too. I don't think any of us bother to look that often TBH.

Ordinarily, over the school hols, DD and I would probably have gone up to London for a few days. I would tend to sort that sort of thing well in advance myself and let him know our plans. If it was something I thought he might enjoy I would ask him first. I'd also probably Facetime once a day so DD could chat etc (just a habit we got into when DD was a toddler and DH was working the other side of the country).

I work 3 days a week but the 2 days I'm off with our son my dh will probably usually know what we're doing as we send a couple of messages to each other during the day and we tend to have similar things planned each week anyway.

I don't have to tell him but I'd also find it odd to not tell him what our plans are. Just like he talks about his day at work and calls me when he's on his way home.

Thanks for the replies. I am going to be a SAHM very shortly with our first born. Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen. It does feel controlling to me hence why I asked the question here. I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

Him expecting you to tell him when you're leaving the house is ridiculous. I wouldn't be happy at being told I had to.

Yep so we can get cars/kid gubbins right. Only in general terms of pottering locally or going off on adventure.

Would also discuss practicalities like useful shopping, avoiding duplication or missing something he finished and I didn't, and if going for a run would give a good idea of route on general safety grounds (sprained ankle more than murder).

I might say "I'll probably be popping on to Tesco - is there anything you want me to get?', or "I'm going for coffee with Maggie and you know what we're like once we get together. Sort your own tea out.", but I don't feel obligated to provide a "flight plan" of my intended schedule, or to let him know if I've had to change any of it.

If DH demanded this I'd regard it as controlling.

When I was on mat leave and then part time my husband would ask what plans I had for the day, just because he was interested and liked to know that we were having a nice day. Nothing beyond "we're going to baby group and then might have a coffee with friends" level of detail and most definitely not in a controlling way. All our money is joint but he wasn't interested in how much I was spending on soft play/lunches out/coffee etc.

If I had to tell him when I was leaving the house and where exactly I was or who I was with, or he was keeping tabs on my spending, I would be hearing alarm bells.

Unless you live in a war zone the safety 'concern' sounds like bollocks.

The way the money works for us is I get a lump on payday to cover me and DS for the month. If I need more I take it from the joint account or ask for more. This rarely happens and the only question I get from DH if I do ask is 'are you sure that's enough?' . This works for us and he would know what it's for just from normal conversation about what we got up to each day.

Sometimes I WhatsApp saying we are at the garden centre etc with a picture .. or just back from the park/ great walk at blah.

No major plans at the moment. I would say I'm meeting so and so tomorrow, but he prob wouldn't listen or remember unless it's going to be expensive .

I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

You need to manage it by telling him that this is controlling behaviour and that you are an adult and perfectly capable of looking after yourself and your child without telling him where you are constantly. Tell him this is not a normal expectation and that normal husbands and fathers do not do this.

If he rings me on his break for a chat I'll tell him what were up to, pre-covid we had a schedule of baby classes and groups so he usually roughly knew anyway, and anything like a lunch with friends I would pay for out of the joint account so he would know, same as I could see if he went out for lunch at work if either of us cared to look. Often send him photos of the baby throughout the day as well so hes pretty well informed I suppose. Never seen it as checking up just general chit chat, but in your case I think you're right to be cautious because the way hes already saying he wants to know what you're doing is weird

I'm glad you have a fall-back plan because otherwise I was going to say don't give up your job. I understand the desire to raise your own child -I personally was lucky enough to have morning jobs that gave me the right work/life balance - but be wary of a man who thinks that you are incapable of looking after yourself.

Or doesn't want you to be able to look after yourself.

Be careful, consider making an exit plan.

No never really, unless it’s in a how was your day type of way.

Controlling husbands turn into controlling fathers.

No, not at all. He will sometimes ask what we have been up to when he gets home, but just to be polite I think.

No. Or extremely rarely. I don't usually decide what I'm going to do in advance. If I had something special planned, I might mention it, but I doubt that he'd be particularly interested what I get up to, tbh.

We always tell each other where we're going. Always have.(married 46 years) Not controlling. We just do. Where going, what time expect to be back. And so the other knows what time we need to start worrying if they're not home within a reasonable time of the expected time. (Not that that's ever happened.) We rarely use mobile phones, but will phone home to the other if we're going to be late. It would seem most odd if one of us just walked out of the house and went shopping/meeting friend or whatever without telling the other. It's a simple matter of courtesy and respect for the other. Courtesy might seem an oldfashioned value to some people, but it's very valid. And yes, we do talk about where we've been because we're interested in the other.

Who's idea was it for you to be a SAHM?

A close friend was in a controlling relationship and the control started during her mat leave. It was driven in part by depression and anxiety but it was more that his depression and anxiety heightened his need for control. Depression and anxiety should not be used to justify curtailing someone else's freedom. At the end he was monitoring all of her communication with other people, following the GPS of her phone and tracking her spending. Controlling behaviour creeps up and chips away at your free will.

I think an honest conversation with your OH about what is reasonable to expect whilst you are a SAHM would be a good idea. Keep an eye on how he responds to you wanting to not have to report all activities and movements too him etc.

I'm about to start mat leave, I'll probably let my OH know if we are going out for a prolonged period of time or if we are going somewhere where I might not have phone signal but I certainly won't be giving a daily itinerary or running commentary.

I check in and let him know where I am if. He honestly doesn't give a shit at all and think he'd prefer if i didn't. It's totally my issue and need for structure and planning. I kinda use him as a schedule enforcer - if I tell him I'm going to the shop then I have to get off my arse and do it.

Generally yeah, but not always, just like to share