To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

My next issue is that most of our money tends to be joint and we have a small amount individually each month. My individual amount won’t be enough to cover my current expenses (makeup etc) and lunches out with the baby or activities etc so I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account. I know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it. Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?

Well, the baby expenses are joint expenses and it would be unfair for you to have to pay them out of your existing personal spends while he gets to continue to spend his on himself.

Do you get the same amount of personal spends currently or is there a difference? Is your personal spends allowance going to reduce when you are on maternity leave by any chance?

You will find though that you probably won't spend as much as you normally do on make up etc once the baby arrives. I would also be applying for the child benefit to go into up your account for Abbas related stuff.

This doesn’t sound great op. Can I ask why you think it’s a good idea to be a stay at home mum with a controlling man? Please consider the scenario that’s it’s escalated wildly, baby is 4mo and you feel like you cannot breathe around him or stay living with him for another minute but with no job don’t see what your options are. This would be so much easier to navigate If you could jsut notify work you are returning.

We run a business where we are going in and out of different/multiple houses every day talk about a drip feed- if you run a business together that’s a diff thing.

Tbh even some of the responses on this thread, even if not controlling, the codependency in some relationships is my idea of hell. If me and my husband ever shared a bank account or credit card I would be livid if he asked me “oh when did you have lunch at”....in fact I’d just reply “when I was hungry”

Not really.. he may call when I'm out and I'll tell him then or if we are at the park etc and I send him a photo of our daughter playing he will know but don't feel the need to unless my phone is going to die incase he tries calling or msgs me.

No.
DH might ask me what we (dd2 and I) are going to get up to that day after school drop off and if we go to the shops that week can we please get him (whatsoever he wanted).
Discuss if I want him to pick us up after swimming lessons or to let me know if he is going to finish early/start late and take dd1 to school/pick up.
But it’s more making conversation than needing to know where we are going or doing.
If we are doing anything exciting during the school holidays I’ll let him know before hand to see if he wants to get involved.

Otherwise it’s the same vague we are going out to the park, play group, garden centre etc as I’d get in return if I asked what he was up to, work, sport.
No minute details, he doesn’t want to know the exact park or the exact plans.

We have joint finances. We both have an equal spending budget outside of bills.
Unless either of us has overspent then we will discuss it.

My OH wfh so I will say "We're going out for a walk", "we're going to the shops", "we're going to baby class" just so he knows I'm not in the house, not making lunch today etc.

When I return he doesn't ask where we've been, what we did, he doesn't call when we're out unless he wants something from the shop.

Your OH seems very extreme, what does he think is going to happen to you? Does he think you will be going somewhere he doesn't approve of?

Honestly OP I can’t give you any advice on set ups that will help avoid control.

What you really need is a long conversation about the fact you are an equal, an adult and he does not get to debate where you go or what you spend (assuming spends are small and for the baby or for you). And that his behaviour so far has been rather controlling.

If he pushes back on that rather than apologising and changing his tone... you have a big problem

No, I tend to tell him what we did at the end of the day. Sometimes send photos to him while he’s at work to make him smile. Just be aware that controlling or abusive behaviour often gets worse after the baby is born. So I’d be advising you to start looking at options.

Be clear that you are a fully grown woman and more than capable of keeping you and the baby safe, that you appreciate he cares, but you won't be keeping him updated with where you are etc - it is unreasonable to ask you to do this, and you won't be doing it. You are not a child op.

Secondly in terms of the money work out how much you need to cover all of your expenses, add a little more for a cushion and get the extra paid into your account. That is how we manage it. I spend far more than my dh (hair, make up, sanitary products, clothes etc is all much more than anything he buys) It should be acknowledged that the expenses of men and women ARE different, and accounted for. You are a team discussing money, differences in expenditure should happen normally and regularly. He does not get to decide just because you are having a baby, everything should be equal and joint. Raising a child IS a job in its own right, and I would make it clear you expect him to see it that way. You are not busy having a jolly on the beach, you are bringing life into the world and supporting that child - and that does not equate to you giving your rights and equality within the marriage away.

DH and I rarely speak/text in the day. I would be very concerned if he insisted on knowing where I was all the time.

@justasking111 I take my baby for lunch all the time. Never had an issue.

OP I agree that this is concerning. I'm on mat leave at the moment and might discuss my general plan for the day with DP, but most of my plans are made on the spur of the moment. He would never expect an update if I decide to go somewhere. As a PP says, I'd probably tell him if I was going somewhere really remote in case of emergency, but that's pretty rare!

Do you get the feeling he's going to check up on you throughout the day? Or try to make you change your plans?

Can you work part time in your old job? I would get that sorted asap. If necessary tell your not-so-d h that the idea of being stuck at home with the baby is too much and making you miserable.

Don't leave yourself vulnerable to a controlling partner. Please.

If he’s home and I’m going out I’ll say where but if he’s at work I don’t tell him that would be odd to text him to say we’re just off to Tesco’s...

Thanks for the concern about me being a SAHM. I have a number of family businesses I can always go into as worst case scenario and do have a sum of money stashed away, but I don’t ever envisage that being necessary. I can put my foot down and say I won’t be updating him with my whereabouts on a daily basis and he can like it or lump it. I just hate the idea of him monitoring my spend from the joint account for baby related stuff I might be doing, and criticising and questioning it, but I guess I will just let it go in one ear and out the other.

OP you sound as if you are asking yourself questions about this relationship- I may have missed when your LO is due- but I would suggest you give this some serious thought BEFORE the birth as afterwards, if he is controlling he will for sure become more so- but it will be hard to recognise as he will dress it up as caring for you and baby.
FWIW I was a SAHM years ago, before the days of mobile phones. My DP never, ever expected to know where I was or what I was doing. We both just got on with our days. I might say to him- nice weather, think we may go to the park. Or I may not have. I had equal access to our joint account which all his wages and CB (and my wages when I had them) went into. I spent from there as I saw fit. I would discuss any major spend - say a washing machine- and so would he.

That's what a mutually respectful and loving relationship looks like OP

I usually let him know what we're up to each day and send him pics and updates throughout the day if I get the chance. This is because he's interested in what we're up to, he hasn't demanded I inform him of my whereabouts in a controlling way.

I probably send my dh the odd photo if it is nice of the dc and we talk about things at the end of the day, I would not dream of 'informing' him where we are or what we are doing, and I would probably freak out abit if he expected me too.

Watch girl on the train op.
Subtle small controlling habits can turn into a much bigger problem, be watchful of where this is leading.

A good long discussion about how uncomfortable you are feeling about this, should offer you more insight into whether he is being overprotective or if he is seeking to control you.

If he is being over protective he will apologise, and won't attempt anything like it again.
If it is the latter, you will quickly see other ways he is beginning to control the narrative and your lives, and you will not see any contrition or acknowledgement that this is neither normal or natural and that it needs to stop. I would be very careful to ensure you have a safety net, options because you may feel vulnerable when the baby arrives, and exhausted and it is an easy way for him to make it sound like he is 'helping' and 'caring' when nothing could be further from the truth. He could destroy your confidence in the process by making you feel you can not manage alone, and 'need' him.

You're already worried about him trying to control your activities AND about him monitoring and criticizing (ie controlling) your spending.

And you still want to be a SAHM just why, exactly?

If I were you, I'd be going back to work.

If he doesn't trust you to be able to leave the house to go about your everyday activities without being "safe" then he shouldn't be trusting you to look after his child full stop.

As for finances, "I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account" - IMO that sounds ok if you are allowed to buy XYZ baby item without having to explain your reasoning to him. Somehow I get the feeling you'll be expected to justify each purchase though?

No, but my husband is away for weeks at a time so we’re used to doing our own thing - also have separate accounts and we have no idea how much each other spends or what on.

Exactly what @AcrossthePond55 said. He's controlling on (at least) two fronts, and by becoming a SAHM, you are risking putting yourself further into his control at a time when spousal abuse tends to spark off. I wouldn't. Even if you want to take your full maternity leave, I'd be making my plans to return to FT work when the time comes.

I always tell my husband so he'd know when to expect me home, and he will always keep me informed of his whereabouts, even calling me throughout the day to tell me if something strange, frustrating or funny happened since we last spoke. I don't know why but we've always been like that. Lately I've been listening to a lot of true crime videos on YouTube lately and it's made me really glad we do it.

i pretty much always know where my DH and adult living at home DCs are because we talk to each other, about our day, our plans etc.

What if, say, you decided to visit somewhere on a day out and were involved in a crash on the motorway and your DH gets home and he has no idea where you are or where to start looking for you? Remove the element of control by keeping it breezy but there's no reason not to say "oh we're going to town for a coffee with a friend" or "it's so nice today i thought we'd go to x village"

But you need to get the discussion about finances done before you start being a SAHM.

actually OP just try saying no to him and see how he reacts. just no, without any excuses or explanations. That may give you some indication of how he will be when the baby comes and you are far far more dependent on him.

On the days I'm not working and at home with DS, DH will sometimes ask what we got up to during the day but more out of conversation starting rather than needing to know what we've done (we've very dull lives though so it's definitely not an interesting topic) It's the same as me asking how his day was. Not all the interested in the comings and goings, just connecting with him and happy to hear whatever he wants to tell me (his days are usually as interesting as mine!)

If he was asking me to account for my whereabouts I'd probably clam up and tell him nothing. But I'm contrary like that.