To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

yes that is controlling he doesnt need to know unless you already have planned something together

Tell him no, that's odd.
I might mention to my husband what my general plans are or tell him what we did when I see him later that day. Not because he wants to know particularly, just as general chit chat.

Do you mean when he's not there? I work from home, there's no way I 'd be texting or calling him in the office to tell him that I'm popping to the shops or going out for a walk. He'd think I'd lost my marbles if I was telling him each time I left the house.

Yes and no, for instance if I have a plan to go out on X day, I may mention it the night before in passing convo. If I have to take kids anywhere (appointments etc) then I'd again mention it.

But in terms of waking up, dropping off kids to school then going for a cuppa with friends or popping into town on a whim - no. Probs would mention it in our catch up in the evening "how was your day" type convo though or if we texted during the day and he asks how my day is going etc.

No, not really. We generally talk about our day once the children are in bed and we're having dinner so I'd probably tell him then but more in the context of one of the children doing/saying something funny when we were at X place, rather than giving him our itinerary for the day.

Plus sometimes plans change, I might have planned to go to a playgroup and then might get a invite for a play date etc so I'd never bother expecting him to rely on information as to where we might be! I've got a mobile if he needs to reach me.

Just seen your up date. It’s a red flag. Have you asked him why might it be a danger? Or why him known where you are make a difference?

Last year DD1 was in nursery and I had a baby. Sometimes I would go for an unplanned walk without nursery mums after dropping off DD1 or we would go to last minute planned visit to soft play with friends for lunch on a friend. DH would be happy that I was getting out and seeing people for my benefit.

Tell him he isn't your dad and you're all grown up. No need to check in with him unless you aren't going to be there when he gets home and he worries.

If he's WFH, yes.
If he's on a site visit or in the office, no.
If I'm taking the kids on a big, planned day out, yes.
He has basically known my every move since mid March, but that is unusual.

Seems a bit of an odd expectation on the face of it. Why would he worry about your safety?

When he takes the baby out alone will it apply to him?

Not always might mention in passing. My husband also trusts me with the safety of our kids .

Your DH is being unreasonable and what he's asking is quite controlling.

I'm on maternity leave and would tell DH if I had any plans or later in the day we share how our day has been, but it's general conversation not keeping tabs on each other.

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen oh it’s for “safety”- sounds like a controlling man line if ever I heard one. As a grown adult I’m sure to can navigate yourself out of the house and home again.

Abuse often starts at the point of having a newborn, so keep an eye on that.

I was a SAHM and I didn't tell my DH what I was doing unless I wasn't going to be in after he'd got in from work. I'd often plan my days depending on the weather etc, so couldn't say in advance.

This isn't normal. Controlling behaviour is often excused by 'I worry about you/want you to be safe'.

Don't let this happen and look out for red flags.

I was a SAHM for a couple of years when I left teaching.
DH and I would talk about our days in general conversation and if I was planning to go into town for example I'd see if he needed anything.
Mostly I just got on with things and so did he.
He would often check if I was going to a particular craft group as it was near his work so he'd ask if I could bring treats for his workmates - specifically warm sausage rolls - when I came over.
If it was half term etc we'd talk about what I was doing with the kids as we'd go further afield for days off.
And when I was training for endurance walks I'd let him know where I was planning to go and for how long as a sort of safety measure because I walked in some quite isolated areas - he wanted to track me with Life 360 or whatever it's called but I wasn't keen so he asked that I text every now and then. Which I was happy to do.

Don’t leave your job.

seems very controlling OP, it's very strange. My worry would be that alot of abusers start/get worse when their partner is pregnant or has just given birth and this is sending huge red flags. Do you have family/friends irl you can confide in too?

Why on earth would it be dangerous? And how would informing him of your whereabouts make it any less dangerous? It seems very, very strange OP.

Huge red flag. His request is not normal.

And on reading your update it's incredibly controlling and not in any way normal.

Tell him that no, you won;t be letting him know each time you leave the house.

No - this is suffocating and unpleasant.

And yes abusive men will often excuse their behaviour with: I only say this for your own good, I care about you, I worry about you - because obviously they do not believe that you could possibly have the intelligence/common sense as a grown woman to take care of yourself.

Having read your update, unless he is usually controlling (in which case I would seriously reconsider being a sahm and putting yourself in a position where you're reliant on him for money) I would maybe consider if this is coming from a place of anxiety.

When my eldest was small and DH wanted to take her out to give me a break I used I insist on him telling me exactly what their plans were and I would be cross if he didn't do as he'd told me. It wasn't because I was trying to control him it's because I was a total anxiety riddled mess, so scared that something was going to happen to DD that I lost a bit of perspective and reason.

Thankfully he - kindly - pointed out how my behaviour made him feel (like a totally incompetent parent, which he was far from!) and over time and with some therapy I managed to knock it on the head. We're done now and I could care less where he takes the children as long as they have fun.

Just a different perspective. Is this request how he usually treats you or is it something new?

Not at all. I may or may not mention plans that might be of interest to him but apart from that no. Quite apart from anything else I often don’t know what I’m going to do until the idea occurs and I would only ring/message him at work in an emergency, not to say ‘we’ve decided to go to the zoo/over to mums/out to McDonald’s ’.

Even when I do tell him he is unlikely to remember!

We're fine now, not done!

We share out Google maps location with each other, mainly because he is crap with time and means I know if "leaving the office now" is a real thing.... But I'd be pretty freaked out if he was checking it for no reason.

We always have our iPhone locations turned on in iMessages.

That way we always know where each other

It’s not a control thing, merely so we don’t have to keep texting each other